Muzzlestroking ammosexuals plan a rally at Home Depot.

In this post: Grout people, skeeters, dipshits.

I promised to come back tonight, and here I am. Please hold your applause, okay?

First on my list is an update on our never-ending remodeling project in the master bathroom, dragging on forever at the hands of the grout people. I won’t rehash the entire nauseating story in any detail tonight, so if you want to know more please click the following links to all of my earlier posts: click click click click click click click click click and click. And now here’s the aforementioned update. Clayton, leader of the grout people, and Tim, the main dude from Binswanger Glass, were here at Howdygram headquarters on May 22 to diagnose the leak in our shower and arrange for Tim’s company to handle the repair ... but that was the last time we heard from either of them. We found out this morning that Clayton gave Tim the WRONG PHONE NUMBER, so every time he tried to call me to set up an appointment he left the message on somebody else’s voice mail. I WANT TO STRANGLE THESE PEOPLE.

Invasion of the grout people.

In this post: Remodeling disasters, spray-painted savages, a USDA recall.

I’ll begin with a lede sentence you’ve seen here before in various iterations: Howdygram headquarters was invaded this afternoon by grout people AND glass people! Clayton, leader of the grout people, and Tim, representing Binswanger Glass, conferred together adjacent to Sam’s favorite toilet and managed to figure out, after two months of inept repairs, exactly where, why and how the shower in our master bathroom continues to leak puddles onto the stone floor. They made plans for another overhaul — hopefully for the last time — after Memorial Day. I am simultaneously excited, hopeful, skeptical, despondent, mildly nauseated and irked. I’ll need therapy by the time we’re done with this. Or at least a lot of braunschweiger.

I never thought it would be such a huge hoo-hah to find a comfortable and reliable place to sit down.

In this post: Grout people, seating issues.

Clayton, leader of the grout people, dropped in this morning to assess the latest crisis with the shower in our master bathroom. To help him better understand where the current leak is coming from Sam jumped into a Speedo, turned on the water full blast and sat on the bench in the shower until a visible little puddle began to form on the bathroom floor. It was pure genius. Clayton realized that his crew didn’t re-hang the frame and glass correctly four visits ago so he volunteered to hire REAL GLASS PEOPLE to redo it from scratch sometime next week.

Tens of millions forget to show up for Operation Putzfest.

In this post: Grout people, Cliven Bundy, Operation Putzfest.

Okay, first I have to apologize for lying in my last post. Clayton, leader of the grout people, called about half an hour ago to ask if he could come over tomorrow instead of today because TRAFFIC and RUSH HOUR. Plus he knows Sam isn’t home tonight. Wise move. Clayton obviously realizes I plan to beat the living crap out of him and he thinks Sam would stop me. (He’d be wrong, by the way.)

The grout people have to come back today. Would anybody mind if I killed them?

In this post: Diabetes bargains, caulking cretins.

It’s almost 3:30 in the afternoon here and my Friday is finally beginning to take shape. Let me see if I can sum it all up for you, okay?

HUNGER. I haven’t eaten since breakfast but I don’t expect you to feel sorry for me or anything because I’ve got leftover egg foo young and one egg roll.

A LOW-CARB SHOPPING SPREE. My Friday afternoon shopping spree included the following essential products from Netrition.com. This is my first time trying Walden Farms’ zero-calorie Russian and thousand island dressings and I’m hoping they’re just as good as Walden Farms’ cole slaw goo. (Their cole slaw goo is OUTSTANDING.)

Welcome to another chapter of Sam & Marcy’s Adventures in Inadequate Remodeling.

In this post: Another leak, another Putz.

Hey, boys and girls. Believe it or not, Clayton and his crew were back again today in their never-ending quest to repair the shower leak in our master bathroom ... THEIR SEVENTH ATTEMPT IN THREE WEEKS. Each time they show up we can’t use the shower for at least 48 hours afterwards due to wet caulk, grout and paint, and today they’re actually leaving us with a high-velocity fan turned on full-blast so everything dries as fast as possible because Sam and I are ready to start strangling people. In case you’re interested, Friday’s all-day repair went south last night when we turned on the shower and wound up with a substantial puddle on the bathroom floor and a crack in the brand new drywall. Please stay tuned for the next chapter of Sam & Marcy’s Adventures in Inadequate Remodeling. Thank you for your support.

Texas is run by a financial terrorist who also happens to be really, really stupid.

In this post: Food delivery, palpatations, Governor Hairdo.

As I hang around waiting for my Friday evening delivery from Artizone.com — baloney with olives! homemade tamales! bean salad! sliced turkey! — I thought I’d overshare some crap from yesterday when I experienced two exciting new symptoms of autonomic neuropathy, which is defined as follows by the National Library of Medicine:

Autonomic neuropathy is a group of symptoms that occur from damage to the nerves that manage everyday body functions, such as blood pressure, heart rate, sweating, body temperature, bladder control and digestion. Autonomic neuropathy is most frequently caused by diabetes.

We still don’t know what’s responsible for The Dinty Moore Dumpling Incident.

In this post: The shower saga continues, flying dumplings, Jane Powell.

There are so many EARTH-SHAKING HOT SCOOPS today at Howdygram headquarters I almost don’t know where to start. Maybe the best approach would be to separate everything into neatly-typed, indented sections for your reading pleasure. I hope you’ll consider turning off your phone until you’re through here to avoid interruptions and distractions, okay? Thank you.

Fighting back against the GOP’s budget from hell.

In this post: Remodeling, the GOP budget, mealtime favorites.

In case you’re dying of curiosity, our shower remodeling crew showed up this morning at 8:30 and they’ve been hard at work ever since not counting a break for lunch. I haven’t even had an opportunity to see what’s going on because they’ve had the bathroom door closed all day so they wouldn’t disturb me. (I was asleep on the chaise in the family room for a few hours watching cheesy monster movies.) It’s currently 6:25, and I have a hunch they’re almost finished because I think I smell paint!

Who the hell starts a remodeling project at dinner-time?

In this post: Emergency groceries, waiting for Clayton.

I’ll begin with a brief synopsis of Sam’s emergency grocery expedition to Wal-Mart this morning, which included braunschweiger, Oscar Mayer bologna, a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese and several dozen two-liter bottles of Coke Zero. Because a senior citizen needs her Marcytinis.

Conspiracy theorists are paranoid schizophrenic poop-heads.

In this post: Disruptions, Einstein Award, upcoming events.

Our remodeling contractor (Clayton) will be here tomorrow at 11 a.m. to take apart the shower in our master bathroom and repair the damage from a water leak behind the marble bench. I’ll try to be as brave as possible about this, but I usually have a nervous breakdown if something disturbs my privacy and afternoon nap. Clayton and his helper will be here Thursday, too. I might have to blow my brains out.

Three things and a new Putz of the Week.

In this post: Our shower remodeling hoo-hah, a new Putz, dinner ideas.

Three things!

FIRST THING. It’s official, people. The Great Shower Remodeling Hoo-Hah has been scheduled for Wednesday, April 9. As I mentioned in yesterday’s Howdygram post, we found out that water has been sneaking behind our marble shower bench for quite some time, so our remodeling dude — Clayton — will dismantle the glass shower enclosure, remove and clean the tiles, take apart the marble bench, replace the entire structure with new supports, sheetrock, mouldings, baseboards and paint, inside and outside the shower. Clayton says it’s a two-day project, which is damn good news because commotion really gets on my nerves and leeches valuable time from my afternoon naps.

Happy April Fool’s Day from the Queen and Donald Trump.

In this post: Scary crap, remodeling, dried fruit, Doris Day Day.

Believe it or not I spent most of the morning trying to figure out something clever to post for April Fool’s Day, but I came up short except for this ... and I apologize profusely if it scares the living crap out of you.

Sunday night doldrums highlighted by bathing in the sink.

In this post: Redelivery, baby Sam, Plan B.

Hey, remember the damaged box from my last Netrition order (see previous post, paragraph titled “Sucky Reason #3”) that UPS never delivered on March 18? The tracking information on UPS’s website reads like “War and Peace” — check out the screen shot below — but apparently Netrition finally reshipped everything from upstate New York for overnight delivery TOMORROW. Wow, people, that’s one damn expensive shipment, considering the carton contains nine really heavy glass quart bottles of DaVinci sugar-free flavored syrups plus three boxes of chocolate bars, three bottles of sugar-free Thai chili sauce and a jar of Stevita sugar-free fake cherry Kool-Aid drink mix!

We love Costco.

In this post: Moaning, shopping, remodeling.

3:15 A.M. Know what? I feel so thoroughly miserable right now I almost can’t use my damn keyboard! I woke up half an hour ago with a substantial fever and severe joint and muscle pain, and Sam heard me moaning when I got out of bed and helped me shlep into the study so I can sit here rocking back and forth like a large turnip. He also brought me a Marcytini from the kitchen with a mountain of ice because my hands feel like they’re on fire and I like holding the glass.

I’m picturing various scenarios where Sam hoses me down in the back yard with our new power washer.

In this post: Hosing off, excellent things from Amazon.

It’s official. We have an appointment with The Grout Doctor on Tuesday, and the crew will be here between 8 and 9 a.m. to recaulk and regrout the shower in our master bathroom. I should be excited as hell, but unfortunately this whole hoo-hah is turning out to be an unexpected inconvenience. Clayton — our personal grout physician — asked us not to use the shower on Sunday or Monday or for 48 hours after they finish the work. That’s FIVE DAYS, people! This isn’t a big crisis for Sam because he can shower in our guest bathroom, but I can’t because I’ve got serious mobility issues, there’s nowhere to sit down (the shower in our master bath has a marble bench) and I don’t want to fall over, start crying or have a nervous breakdown. At the moment I’m picturing various scenarios where Sam hoses me down in the back yard with our new power washer. (Don’t tell the neighbors.) Holy crap.

Today’s hot topic: caulk and grout.

In this post: The Great Dallas Jampocalypse, a grout emergency.

Hi, guys. Before I address today’s hot topic — caulk and grout — I thought y’all might be interested in a couple of photos from a massive traffic jam yesterday in north Dallas ... an event The Dallas Morning News has dubbed the “jampocalypse.” What you see here are the eastbound lanes of I-635, also known as the LBJ Freeway, backed up from a five-car wreck at Skillman Avenue. Cars, trucks, vans and pickups driven by authentic Texas yahoos are seen here headed in two directions on the same side of the freeway, doing wheelies on the grassy knoll (Texans are fond of grassy knolls), attempting three-point turns in traffic lanes and backing up on the shoulders. Being a housebound senior citizen definitely has its advantages.