Tonight’s agenda includes insulin injections, cheesy movies and laundry.

In this post: Sign the petition, cheesy movies.

Good evening, fellow activists! (If you’re NOT a fellow activist please humor me, okay?) I’m excited to announce that the Senate has passed an extension of unemployment benefits, and now the only thing standing between millions of out-of-work Americans and this urgent safety net is the weirdo douchecanoe pictured below.

I’ve been hacked.

In this post: Generosity, suspension, canned goods.

I’ve got some breaking news for those of you following the tale of my wayward shipment from Netrition. Today they RESHIPPED MY ENTIRE ORDER from back on March 11, not just the contents of the one damaged carton that UPS returned to them. Holy crap, everybody … we’ll be PACKED TO THE RAFTERS here with duplicate pumpernickel, hot dog buns, cookies, pasta sauce, chili, sugar-free fake Kool-Aid drink mixes and chocolate bars! That’s about $150 worth of free food! I’m sure the customer service Einsteins at Netrition think they’re being generous, helpful and accommodating, but WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT THIS STUFF? Our pantry is already jammed with — among other things — Hormel tamales, Spam, Vienna sausages, Loma Linda fake meat and teeny cans of ham floating in mystery juice that arrive regularly in caseloads from Wal-Mart and Amazon. Please don’t tell Sam about this yet so I can make a plan. HEY! WANT TO COME FOR DINNER?

A story of fear and self-loathing in Texas. Also pumpernickel.

In this post: Nice weather, GOP bullshittery.

Hi, people. It’s a a lovely, sunny, 80° Tuesday afternoon in north Texas, just the kind of adorable weather we wish we’d have all year round instead of triple-digit heat from June through September when you can’t touch your car door handles, think about going out to lunch or even enjoy your own patio with shorts, lemonade and a Fred Astaire biography. Please let me know if this makes any sense to you because I’m awfully confused right now.

I’m a retired senior citizen with an inquiring mind and way too much time on my hands.

In this post: New features, great TV, weenie jackets.

Hey. Has anybody noticed a couple of exciting new Howdygram features in our right sidebar? For instance: 1) TRENDING NOW offers our top five most-read posts during the last seven days; and 2) FAVORITE READS is a list of my preferred topical blogs and news websites. I read nearly all of these on a daily basis because I’m a retired senior citizen with an inquiring mind and way too much time on my hands. Thank you.

The only thing that doesn’t hurt today is my hair.

In this post: Kvetching.

I’m hurting from head to toe today. This is probably the most aggravating horseshit I’ve ever experienced so I’ll break it all down for you by various body parts to help you understand what the hell’s going on around here. The only thing that doesn’t hurt is my hair. Seriously.

MY HEAD. I’ve had a dull ache in my head since I got up this morning and it’s been almost impossible to stay awake. At 9:30 a.m. I decided to take a nap on the chaise in the family room that lasted SIX HOURS. I pried my eyes open twice, sneered at the clock, said “What the hell,” and went back to sleep.

If it looks like a shepherd’s pie, please avoid this crap no matter what.

In this post: Crap to avoid.

Hi, people. For your possible interest I’m introducing a new Howdygram feature — PLEASE AVOID THIS CRAP NO MATTER WHAT — that’s basically my own warped version of a public service announcement, and I’ll begin with a review of the beautiful and enormous store-made shepherd’s pie Sam bought yesterday at Costco. Long story short, it was supposed to be dinner but turned out to be PUKE. For $13.95 you get a four-pound foil pan of ground beef, peas and carrots in a gluey, thoroughly flavorless, charcoal gray gravy topped with equally thoroughly flavorless mashed potatoes and a wad of what appears to be toasted shreds of cheddar cheese, but that’s just a wild guess because it might be paint chips.

Ted Cruz thinks President Obama is “forcing gay marriage on all 50 states.”

In this post: Sam, avoiding King China, Putz of the Week.

Welcome to day two of Sam’s trip to California, where apparently he’s charming the Depends off all those adorable little “eightysomethings” at my mother-in-law’s assisted living facility in Sherman Oaks. Sam has been eating with them once or twice a day in the community dining room and interacting with others as he accompanies mom on her walker junkets up and down the hall.

Frankly, none of this surprises me. Sam is probably the sweetest sweetheart on the planet and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT. I just hope he can tear himself away long enough to fly home to Texas on Sunday because I miss him like crazy. Thank you.

I’m turning into my father, rest his soul.

In this post: A Vienna sausage retrospective, remembering Mr. Cub.

Considering that Monday started off crappy around here (see previous post) I’ve got some damn good news to share with you. I just got an email from Dollar Tree that my Armour Vienna sausages are ready for pickup! On January 29 I ordered a case of 48 cans online — a steal at only $24 — and when you choose delivery to your local store SHIPPING IS FREE. So tomorrow Sam gets to drive over to Dollar Tree and bring home a trunkload of TEENY CANS OF VIENNA SAUSAGE IN MYSTERY LIQUID! The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the Dollar Tree retail store on Town East Boulevard; C) our closest Lowe’s supercenter, where Sam buys light bulbs, hose nozzles and hammers; and D) my favorite Long John Silver’s. I love their cole slaw.

Please feel free to drop in if you’re hungry because I’ve got a lot of fantastic snacky crap.

In this post: Shipping nightmares, snack attacks. 

UPS and FedEx are a total disaster right now in the Dallas metropolitan area. Deliveries are late, rescheduled, misdirected and then vaporize. Yesterday FedEx didn’t deliver the office chair I’d been waiting for (on back order) since September so I checked online around midnight to see if they rescheduled it. I find out the package had been “delivered to front door” at 11:45 p.m. so I open the front door and guess what: NO DAMN PACKAGE. It’s past midnight when I finally reach somebody at FedEx to rip them a new one, and the customer service agent puts me on hold and sends a text message directly to the delivery driver. Two hours later I hear a truck engine idling outside and my carton mysteriously shows up at the front door ... at 2 o’clock in the morning. Holy crap.

I’ve just discovered my new favorite cheap canned meat: Armour Vienna Sausages.

In this post: Recalls, a Wal-Mart addiction, Vienna sausages.

I’ve been receiving frantic emails today from the Amazon Product Safety Team with news that Abbott has recalled a bunch of their popular FreeStyle Lite glucose test strips due to lousy results when used with older-model FreeStyle blood glucose meters. So far I’ve received six emails (one for each purchase, I guess) except none of this actually applies to me because I don’t have an older-model meter. Also because I used up those test strips at least nine months ago.