Monday, April 30, 2012

PB2 looks and tastes like something you’d scrape off the bottom of your shoe.

Today’s pet peeve. Products that get phenomenal reviews online but turn out to be total crap. I refer specifically to PB2 and PB2 with Premium Chocolate, overpriced powdered peanut butter products that are sold mostly by Internet retailers — or in health food stores — to idiots like me who get sucked in by five-star reviews. “PB2 with Chocolate tastes just like a Reese’s peanut butter cup!” No, actually, it doesn’t. It looks and tastes more like something you’d scrape off the bottom of your shoe. I bought one jar of each flavor last week during a visit to Sugarless DeLite in north Dallas.
PB2 is marketed as a healthy peanut butter substitute with 85% less fat and calories and “all the flavor of real peanut butter” when reconstituted with ordinary tap water. Horseshit. You wind up with gritty, inedible slime that tastes best when you shovel it into the garbage disposer. I couldn’t eat even one spoonful, and that’s a depressing investment at $7.49 per jar.
And now for something completely different. During a brief shopping junket yesterday at Tom Thumb I bought myself a jar of SUGAR-FREE SWEET PICKLES, as pictured below. My favorite way to eat sweet pickles is with a grilled cheese sandwich and chocolate milk. Other dining options include: 1) skip the grilled cheese and just eat them with chocolate milk; 2) chop them up in tuna salad; or 3) that’s probably about it.
These Mt. Olive No Sugar Added Sweet Gherkins are teeny, crunchy and sweet but not quite sweet enough, so feel free to dredge them in Equal.

In case you’re interested, my haircut turned out GREAT this morning! I went to Salon 2000, the biggest salon in Mesquite, which apparently must be quite a distinction because they mention it constantly. Salon 2000 is a little more expensive than salons I’ve used in recent years but at least I didn’t come home with a shaved head. Plus, Tiffany gave me a couple of free Redken samples. I love free Redken samples.

And now I think I’ll mosey into the kitchen to rustle up some grub for Sam and me. Thank you for reading this.

Gun shows are extremely popular in Texas. I hope I never have to miss another one.

I was hoping to write a post on Sunday but somehow never got around to it because Sam and I spent most of the day either napping, eating or planning our next meal. In my view these were thoroughly worthwhile and productive activities. I also browsed around online and wound up ordering some cool wheelchair accessories on, which are pictured below for your possible interest.
The backpack is big enough to hold damn near anything (well, maybe not live animals) and closes with velcro; the cup holder clamps onto an arm rest of your choice. And while I’m on the subject, please allow me to make a quick comment here. In case you’ve been concerned about this, I am not an invalid nor am I confined to a wheelchair, but I do have ongoing mobility issues caused by arthritis, neuropathy and plantar fasciitis. I bought a wheelchair last week for outings and activities that might require standing or walking for long periods of time, such as a museum, a Chinese buffet, the state fair or a gun show. (Gun shows are extremely popular in Texas. I hope I never have to miss another one.)

Just in case you give a crap about this, I’ve got a haircut appointment later today at a new salon. I’d been going to Vince’s in Garland for the last few months but my stylist’s primary language is Korean and she typically misinterprets “not too short” to mean “shave my head and make me look butch.” So I think it’s finally time to move on. Stay tuned for further developments.

And now I’d better wake Sam so we can go to bed. He’s been asleep in the family room since 8:30, which allowed me ample time to watch this week’s episodes of “Veep,” “Mad Men” and “Real Housewives of New Jersey” plus two “Hardcore Pawn” reruns. Thank y’all for reading this.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

The whole scoop on small-town baloney, “chorks” and more fake meat in a can.

From our News You Can Use department, a stupid mystery dude stole a jar of change collected for charity from the crappy Asian buffet on Town East Boulevard here in Mesquite. You know you’re living in a small town when this kind of baloney actually qualifies for the evening TV news in Dallas ... and they even sent an eager reporter to interview a waitress and a couple of yakky customers. Take a look for yourself.

Incidentally, this is the exact same crappy Asian buffet where Sam and I had dinner a couple of weeks ago (see post).

And while I’m on the subject of Asian cuisine, the Howdygram is pleased to introduce a brand new utensil for your possible interest and amusement. Meet the “chork,” marketed by the Brown Innovation Group from Salt Lake City, which is basically plastic chopsticks with training wheels in case you need help to venture out of your comfort zone. Sorry, but chorks will never replace the ladle for shoveling Mongolian chicken at high speed. I’m just saying.
Breaking news! I just placed an order on for a case of Loma Linda “Big Franks” ... fake canned hotdogs packed in liquid that vegetarians and other weirdos are raving about from coast to coast. They’re supposed to be exceptionally tasty, practically addicting and very low fat with ZERO CARBS, which is big hoo-hah for diabetics like me. Even though it’s barely dawn here in north Texas I’ve already made exciting plans for Big Franks as soon as they get here — most likely by Wednesday — such as: 1) Big Franks on a paper plate; 2) Big Franks with a side order of sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles; 3) Big Franks Foo Young; and 4) Big Franks with a Marcytini.
I love Loma Linda’s fake meat crapola and have been dining on their canned “Swiss Stakes” and “Fried Chick’n” for quite some time. A large quantity of useful gravy is included in every can and you can buy all of these whatnots on Amazon.
I should probably go back to bed for a few hours since waking up at 4 a.m. can really wreck your entire day. Thank you for reading this.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Wheelchairs, bona fide mushrooms and the joys of “textured vegetable protein.”

Hey, I almost forgot. I just placed an order with Shelf Reliance so I can restock the pantry with my three favorite products. Believe it or not, this crap is TERRIFIC.
In case you’re not familiar with faux food abbreviations, “TVP” stands for “textured vegetable protein” which, when compared to real meat: 1) is lower in fat and calories but tastes swell; 2) is a lot cheaper; 3) contains more protein; and 4) rehydrates in two or three minutes if you throw a fistful into soup or gravy. The freeze-dried mushrooms are self-explanatory. You just soak them in warm water for a few minutes and whammo ... BONA FIDE MUSHROOMS!

News flash. FedEx just delivered my wheelchair! It’s an impressive piece of equipment that’s completely assembled — thank God — and all we have to do is attach the foot rests, which arrived yesterday in a separate box for reasons that defy logic. Stay tuned for additional developments and a couple of photos.

Thank you for reading this.

I want to kick the crap out of somebody, and Rick Perry is the obvious choice.

In case you think the Howdygram isn’t a big international hoo-hah, during the past 24 hours we’ve had visitors check in from the following exotic locations: Hanoi, Beirut, Tel Aviv, Berlin, Lithuania, Singapore, Capetown, Ontario, Miami and Lisbon. Someday I’d love to know what the average Vietnamese finds so interesting about my thoughts on gefilte fish, afternoon naps and food freak Paula Deen — the Food Network’s diabetic, southern-fried phony — who promotes Krispy Kreme hamburgers with fried eggs and bacon and deep-fried baked potatoes stuffed with unrecognizable high-fat garbage while serving as official spokesperson for a national diabetes drug manufacturer.
Oh swell. I just read a news story that as of July 1 will start collecting SALES TAX from customers in Texas! Amazon finally caved in to pressure from the Lone Star State because they have a distribution center — i.e., a “brick and mortar” presence — in Irving and therefore should have been collecting Texas sales tax for YEARS, to the tune of $269 million. To make make up for Amazon’s obvious “oversight” they’ve agreed to build an additional distribution center here and create 2,500 jobs ... probably all at minimum wage. This is so depressing I want to kick the crap out of somebody, and Rick Perry is the obvious choice.
Listen up, everybody. The Howdygram is please to announce that another truckload of “rare” Marilyn Monroe memorabilia will be up for auction on May 8 in New York City. These treasures will include: 1) Marilyn posing with a Mountie; 2) Marilyn’s chest x-ray from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in 1954; and 3) the couch from Marilyn’s therapist’s office. Seriously.
In an exclusive report, the Einsteins at have uncovered that — please sit down for this — telemarketers are ignoring the national “do not call” list. While this might be newsworthy to MSNBC, Sam and I have been on the national “do not call” list for YEARS and still receive at least one annoying call from a telemarketer every single day, typically from companies plugging security systems, free roof inspections, membership in a senior citizen prescription plan or gutters. For the record, I’m also mighty sick of the daily collection calls for a deadbeat named Rachel who apparently once had our home telephone number and owes money to a pack of pit bull creditors in five states. Every time the phone rings here there’s a 75% chance that somebody’s asking for Rachel instead of Sam or me. I really, really hate her.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Callista Gingrich scares the crap out of me.

Wednesday is the only day of the week there’s any substantial activity here at Howdygram headquarters. Our landscapers get here at the crack of dawn and mow at 7:30 in the morning (I’m usually asleep and don’t know what’s going on), our biweekly maid service shows up at 9:45 and the Schwan’s delivery dude gets here at 11:30. Today’s bounty included a load of frozen mozzarella sticks, a bag of Krunchie Potato Wedges — how kute! how kreative! — and assorted other whatnots. Afterwards Sam and I drove up to north Dallas to buy some low-carb crapola from Sugarless DeLite because they’re having a 20% off sale and my life wouldn’t be complete without cheap granola and low-carb noodles.

You may (or may not) recall that Sam and I have been busy collecting quart bottles of DaVinci sugar-free syrup for the last several weeks. So far we’ve got Banana, Peach, Raspberry, Lime, Chocolate, Watermelon, Caramel and Egg Nog, and as of 4:40 yesterday afternoon Cherry, Root Beer and Pineapple were on the way.
We use most of these to make gourmet sugar-free sodas — five pumps of syrup, 12 ounces of cold seltzer, six ice cubes — and the Caramel and Egg Nog flavors get squirted into coffee or sugar-free hot chocolate. FYI, DaVinci syrups are liquid like water (not thick like Hershey syrup) with very intense flavors. Sometimes I get so excited I wish I could hook up an I.V. Seriously.

And now for some wonderful news! Newt Gingrich, the delusional narcissist from Georgia, has finally admitted failure in his bid for the GOP’s 2012 presidential nomination.
I’m relieved as hell to know this blowhard is finally off the national stage and sincerely hope this is the last time I’ll have to look at his face in connection with any public office. For the record, I’m not too crazy about his wife, either. You know, the scary one who’s parading around Washington with half a million dollars’ worth of Tiffany jewelry.
And now I think I’m sufficiently ready to hit the sack, having written a long and generally meaningless post with a number of excellent photos. Stay tuned for a medical update later today after my follow-up appointment with Dr. M, okay? Thank you for reading this.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

And I thought my gefilte fish addiction was weird.

I’ve been in a crappy mood all day. This almost never happens to me, but today was clearly an exception as I endured a list of annoying catastrophes, including: 1) running out of corn starch; 2) trying to pay for an eBay purchase by phone but the line was busy; 3) am I the only person on earth who likes baloney tacos; and 4) I can’t think of anything else.

With regard to item two above, here’s an earth-shaking development. I bought myself a wheelchair today on eBay. Oy.
If you’ve been reading my posts for any length of time you probably know by now that I’ve got mobility issues. I get around the house just fine, but due to a variety of medical conditions — arthritis in my knees, plantar fasciitis and neuropahy in my feet — I have very little stamina if I go somewhere that involves walking or standing for any length of time. So I decided to buy the sleek new wheelchair that’s pictured above! From now on if Sam and I decide to go to a museum or a classic car show I’ll finally be able to enjoy myself as much as he does. There’s a good chance my new wheels will be here by Saturday, so if the weather’s decent maybe we’ll try it out at Mesquite’s Real Texas Festival this weekend. Yee-haw!

Breaking news. I just read a story on that teens are apparently drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk now. Over the past month in Los Angeles at least eight future Einsteins have landed in emergency rooms with alcohol poisoning. They’re apparently distilling the product with salt to separate the ethyl alcohol, which is 120-proof and 50% more potent than tequila. Holy crap. And I thought my gefilte fish addiction was weird!
And finally, I forgot to include a crucial film in last night’s Howdygram post. It’s Queen of Outer Space from 1958 starring Zsa Zsa Gabor.
So here’s the basic plot. Four astronauts from Earth rocketing to a space station get bombarded by mysterious death rays that force their ship to crash on Venus, which is inhabited by a race of voluptuous but severely crabby women. The astronauts are wearing the same space suits from Forbidden Planet (1956) and the dialog and cheesy cardboard scenery make this a “camp” science fiction classic you have to see to believe. (Order it here on Amazon.) I’ve included a video clip below for your possible interest.

For the record, Zsa Zsa is not the queen. She’s actually a scientist on Venus with an enormous wardrobe of stiletto heels and evening gowns. Go figure.

Thank you for reading this.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Do yourself a favor and never get diabetes.

Here I am, as promised, with brief reviews of several bizarre movies I watched this past weekend.

Riders to the Stars (1954) is about a scientific institute recruiting and launching four volunteers into space in one-man rockets to catch a meteor from a meteor swarm. Things don’t go too well, however. One dude quits in disgust, one goes nuts after he’s launched, one turns into a flying skeleton when he falls out of his rocket ship (don’t ask) and the fourth catches the desired meteor and returns to Earth to get kissed on the lips by Dr. Flynn, played by Martha Hyer in a skin-tight jumpsuit. A good cast — Richard Carlson, William Lundigan, Herbert Marshall — is wasted on dull script with idiotic ideas and a story that moves like sludge. It’s all in Technicolor, however, so at least that’s something.
I also watched the following four 1960s beach party movies. All but one — For Those Who Think Young — were a total waste of time. Here goes.

Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine (1965) features Vincent Price, Dwayne Hickman and Frankie Avalon. This one’s so stupid I actually couldn’t get past the first 35 minutes. Dr. Goldfoot (Vincent Price) is a mad scientist who creates gorgeous female robots in gold bikinis who lure college boys into evil situations, such as making Dwayne Hickman back up his convertible into a fire hydrant. Hysterical, right?

Pajama Party (1964) has to be the worst of the lot. You get Tommy Kirk as a teenager from Mars, Annette Funicello, Harvey Lembeck, Elsa Lanchester and Buster Keaton (who’s older than Methuselah) as an American Indian chasing coeds with a tomahawk. There are no redeeming qualities to this film whatsoever. It just sucks, period.
The Girls on the Beach (1965) stars Noreen Corcoran and a cast of duds except for the Beach Boys, who look embarrassed lip-synching two songs with an idiot girl in Daisy Duke shorts dancing like a spaz right in front of them. The plot here is that Noreen and three sorority sisters get conned by a group of boys who promise they can lure the Beatles to sing at their fundraiser. This is actually much, much worse than it sounds. Although Lesley Gore is on hand to belt out a couple of torch songs, the big hit number at the end of the movie is “I Want to Marry a Beatle” sung by Noreen and the aforementioned sorority sisters. Seriously. A video clip of this hot mess appears below for your possible interest.

For Those Who Think Young (1964) is actually entertaining, funny and naive with a decent cast that includes James Darren, Pamela Tiffin, Paul Lynde, Woody Woodbury, Ellen Burstyn (her first movie), Nancy Sinatra and Bob Denver. I especially want to mention that James Darren (pictured at right) is now 76 years old, has been married to the same woman for 53 years and is still performing. Holy crap, doesn’t he look terrific? Why do men at that age always look so much better than women? (I’m not really expecting an answer, by the way.)

And now I’d better get something to drink because it’s time for my nightly fistful of pills and an insulin injection. For the record, insulin isn’t working very well for me so far. I’ve been increasing my dose by six units every three days but my blood sugar is still more than twice what it’s supposed to be. I still have a long way to go before I reach the maximum dose, though, so keep your fingers crossed. (If I don’t show some progress pretty soon Dr. M says I’ll have to start injecting insulin before every meal. I’m not thrilled about that.)

Do yourself a favor and never get diabetes. Thank you for reading this.

Our junket to Ennis, the official “bluebonnet capital of Texas.”

Good morning boys and girls, I’ve got a recreation update from Howdygramland! Sam and I didn’t take our day trip to Ennis yesterday because I found out that April 20 and 21 were the town’s official “Bluebonnet Trail Days” and half the state would probably be creeping along on the back roads gawking at wildflowers. So we went today instead, and glorioski! It was ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS! Perfect weather, empty roads, and afterwards we went to Sam’s Original Restaurant & BBQ in Fairfield for lunch and it wasn’t even crowded. No waiting at the buffet ... now that’s what’s really important!
The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; B) Ennis, the official bluebonnet capital of Texas; and C) Fairfield, home of Sam’s Original Restaurant & BBQ. They have good food, many kinds of pie and surprisingly excellent restrooms.
It’s my plan to write another post later today with reviews of some seriously crappy movies I watched over the weekend. These include four 1960s beach party movies and Riders to the Stars, one of the worst science fiction movies ever (not counting Ed Woods’ Plan 9 from Outer Space).

Thank you for reading this.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Welcome to teeny pieland.

In case you’re wondering how dinner turned out tonight I’m pleased to report that my inaugural leap into teeny pieland was a rousing success. God bless Babycakes.
I made teeny chicken pot pies for Sam and me. He ate three, I was full after two, and there are six more in the fridge for tomorrow. These little suckers are bigger than I expected and baked in only 13 minutes. The filling was my own recipe using all those strange freeze-dried ingredients I bought a few weeks ago from Shelf Reliance — shredded chicken, onions, celery, mushrooms, diced potatoes — which I rehydrated in less than 10 minutes and smooshed together with two cans of low-fat Campbell’s cream of chicken soup, a cup of cooked mixed veggies and half a teaspoon of thyme. The teeny crusts were cut from Pillsbury’s ready-made refrigerated pie dough, shown below, and I saved the scraps to use next time. My rolling pin will be a can of Pam. (It works. Stop laughing.)
I guess that’s about it for tonight. I’m hoping to get to bed at a decent hour (for a change) so Sam and I can be up early tomorrow for our road trip to Ennis to ogle the bluebonnets and longhorns. Thank you for reading this.

Fine dining options include Waffle House and the Ennis Regional Medical Center Cafeteria.

While Sam takes an extended afternoon nap in bed I’m left in the study to my own devices, amusing myself in the meantime with a Howdygram post and anticipation of my maiden voyage to teeny pieland, so-to-speak. Tonight’s premier effort with my new Babycakes Pie Maker will be TEENY CHICKEN POT PIES and I plan to get started within the next half-hour before Sam wakes up so I can surprise him. The instructions are a no-brainer. I sincerely hope I don’t embarrass myself.
And now for the ultimate vision of spring ... wildflowers in Texas! Here we have a local longhorn (below) posing in a meadow of bluebonnets, probably planted years ago by former first lady and native Texan Lady Bird Johnson, pictured at right in 1965, who was addicted to wildflowers and decorated damn near every empty field and freeway ramp in the state.
The official “bluebonnet capital of Texas” is the town of Ennis, about 43 miles south of Mesquite, and since Sam and I have nothing whatsoever planned for tomorrow and the weather forecast is sunny and 79° with zero chance of rain, I’m thinking it might be entertaining to take a little drive and admire more of Lady Bird’s handiwork. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Ennis, Texas.
Aside from an overload of flowers Ennis also boasts several fine dining establishments, including Bubba’s BBQ, The Kolachke Depot, Waffle House, Sam’s Pizza and the Ennis Regional Medical Center Cafeteria. It’s a comfort to know we’ll never starve, and the latter option would be mighty convenient in case somebody needs stitches.

Thank you for reading this.

If these are “real housewives,” I’m Princess Grace.

Breaking news! Season four of Bravo TV’s official trashfest, the “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” premiers tomorrow at 8 p.m. Central time. Trust me, you don’t want to miss the merry hijinks of five narcissistic, sequined bimbos — whose formal educations combined might equal one GED — and their Mafia wannabe husbands, who speak to one another with respect and affection, such as: “You look at my wife like that again and they’ll have to wire your jaw shut.” Mostly it’s great fun to watch them all spend money they don’t have, get into fistfights at family events and embarrass their children on national television. This is excellent programming and you shouldn’t miss it.
I have nothing else to report at this time except that it’s 2 a.m. and I should be in bed. Thanks a million for stopping by. Tune in later for news about my first batch of teeny pies!

Friday, April 20, 2012

It never hurts to be prepared for food emergencies.

I know all of you will forgive me for not posting anything yesterday because everybody’s entitled to an off day once in a while. I actually had plenty to say but just didn’t feel much like saying it. Today is different, however, so here I am. Better late than never.

I’ll begin with an important announcement. My Babycakes Pie Maker arrived this afternoon! It’s even cuter than I expected and I just spent a couple of hours searching online for savory pie recipes. The best and easiest of the bunch came from Betty Crocker’s website and they’re all adjustable from full-size pies to teeny ones. These include: 1) chicken pot pie; 2) southwestern pie; 3) taco pie; and 4) cheeseburger pie. Even Sam got excited, and he never gets excited about food unless it involves lobster. I’ll tackle the chicken pot pie recipe tomorrow with accompanying photos, if possible. Stay tuned for further developments.

And now I’m pleased to announce three swell websites I discovered yesterday.

Swell website #1. sells (among other things) miniature food charms to wear around your neck. As a diabetic I have to admit I’m strangely excited by this concept. I might have to start wearing pancakes.
Other charms include a pair of teeny functional salt & pepper shakers, a vial of real barbecue seasoning and miniature cutlery. Because it never hurts to be prepared for food emergencies.

Swell website #2. I also recommend, where you can find — go on, take a guess — every kind of soup on the planet, including dry mixes, jars of “starters,” seasoning blends, canned goods and all kinds of wacky ingredients. I ordered myself some packages of Sunbird Hot & Sour Soup mix and a jar of Better Than Bouillon chicken base.
Their prices are lower than my local supermarket and shipping is relatively cheap. As a tried-and-true soup fanatic, this is probably the coolest website I’ve discovered in a long time. Please shop there immediately.

Swell website #3. Hard-to-find DVDs at amazing prices at Although I wouldn’t be surprised if their movies are illegal or bootlegged, they’ve got one of my all-time favorites — a title that’s never been released on DVD — The Late George Apley from 1947 with Ronald Colman, Mildred Natwick and Richard Haydn. So I ordered it. I’ll let you know as soon as it gets here so you can come over and watch with me. I might even make a few teeny pies.
Thank you for reading this. I have to take a fistful of pills now.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Air Einstein pilot mistakes the planet Venus for an oncoming plane and other important news.

A quick update to the outrageously high blood sugar issue I mentioned in yesterday’s post. As of this writing the number has dropped significantly … from 377 at 2 p.m. to 245 two hours after dinner. And Sam, my sleeping genius, may have solved the mystery! We went to Mariano’s for lunch yesterday and he suspects they gave me a real Coke instead of diet and I didn’t notice the difference. I’d like to believe I’m not senile enough to mistake the taste of a real Coke, but I guess anything’s possible. Stay tuned for additional developments.

Breaking aviation news. A report issued this week by the Transportation Safety Board of Canada finally explains an issue of “severe turbulence” that occurred last January on an overnight Air Einstein flight from Toronto to Zurich, Switzerland. Apparently a sleepy and disoriented pilot mistook the planet Venus for an oncoming plane and forced his jet into a nosedive, during which passengers and flight attendants, who were not wearing seat belts, were hurled into the ceiling and overhead bins. Air Einstein officials apologized profusely afterwards and distributed free moose jerky, maple leaf keychains and two-day passes to Canada’s most popular tourist attraction, Mountieland.
From our It’s Almost Not Worth the Effort department, reality TV bimbo Kim Kardashian has announced her plan to run for mayor of Glendale, California, in 2017. Kim’s qualifications include: 1) being Armenian; 2) barely finishing high school; 3) unnaturally large breasts; 4) starring in a widely distributed sex tape with an African-American hip-hop artist; and 5) staging a sham wedding to increase her TV ratings.
To her credit, however, Kardashian is considerably more qualified for public office than Sarah Palin.

Thank you for reading this.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Maybe I’ll just go drown my frustration with a pound of DeMets Turtles.

Know what? I’ve discovered there’s not much else to do at 4 a.m. except fantasize about pies, so I bought myself a Babycakes Pie Maker this morning! You can make FOUR TEENY PIES AT ONE TIME using Pillsbury ready-made refrigerated pie crust dough that you cut out with teeny little tools that come with the pie maker, and you can fill your aforementioned teeny pies with PRACTICALLY ANYTHING, sweet or savory, such as sugar-free cherry pie filling, gefilte fish or leftover Mongolian chicken. I bought my Babycakes Pie Maker from Barnes & Noble (seriously) because their price was the lowest I saw online — $29.99 — with free shipping. A recipe book is included so stay tuned for lots of stupid but fascinating pie posts in the weeks to come. And incidentally, Babycakes has a lot of other options if you’re not into teeny pies, such as teeny doughnuts, teeny cupcakes and teeny waffles. Check out their website. (It’s regular size.)
I bought a bunch of lancets this morning, too. You know, pointy little finger-stabbers for checking my blood sugar. Amazon had them super-cheap at $4 for a box of 100 so I ordered three boxes. I suppose I could have ordered more but I don’t like to be greedy.
For your possible interest here are a couple of Howdygram celebrity before & after pictures … Shelley Fabares with some serious hair issues and the Smothers Brothers, who officially retired from show business last year after announcing that Tom has Alzheimer’s. I guess he can’t remember who mom liked best any more.
I’ve figured out that a lot of crazy shit happens when your blood sugar is out of control. For example: 1) you wake up in the morning with a burning thumb lump and it’s really hard to make the bed; 2) the left side of your tongue itches; 3) the battery dies in your Hyundai and you wind up at Pep Boys; and 4) an idiot always rings the doorbell when you to try to take a nap. All of this actually happened today, including the itchy tongue and Pep Boys. As for the blood sugar issue, I just sent an emergency email to Dr. M to ask what I’m supposed to do. My glucose is so outrageously high right now you wouldn’t believe I’m using any medication at all.

The hell with it. Maybe I’ll just go drown my frustration with a pound of DeMets Turtles or a Sara Lee cheesecake. The kind with oozy strawberries on top.
I have to take my meds now. Thank you for reading this.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Rolling laundry carts and Lane beats the crap out of snotty Pete Campbell.

Can we talk about GORGEOUS SUGAR-FREE DESSERTS for a minute? I just ordered a couple of wonderful products from Amazongorgeous sugar-free cookies and gorgeous sugar-free petit fours by Wisconsin Cheeseman! (You know, one of those fancy-schmancy food companies like Swiss Colony or Figi’s.) I’m so excited about I might have to hang out on the lawn waiting for UPS. Sam can slide my meals under the front door.
Holy crap. Do you want to eat these as much as I do?

And if gorgeous sugar-free desserts aren’t exciting enough, Sam just put together my NEW ROLLING LAUNDRY CART (see post). It’s even better than I expected. This thing is extremely huge and extremely well made, and Sam even commented it’s the nicest “assembly required” product he’s ever been required to assemble. Glorioski! I think I’ll go stuff it with bath towels.

From the world of meaningless foods, a couple of months ago Kraft introduced their “MilkBite” bar, a weird new breakfast thing that combines milk & granola into a product that sort of looks like a big bland dog biscuit. Enter “Mel,” MilkBite’s unassuming food mascot, who’s awkward, slightly weird and confused about life. Think Woody Allen. Part milk and part granola, Mel finds himself on an agonizing life rollercoaster as he attempts to integrate with society. The Howdygram hopes you’ll enjoy the following three Mel-centered commercials.

I’m starving so I think I’ll go toast myself an English muffin and watch last night’s amazing episode of “Mad Men” for the second time, during which Lane shocks the hell out of everybody in the room and beats the crap out of snotty Pete Campbell.
Thank you for reading this.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Please don’t throw peanuts during the debates.

I’ve got a lot to say so let’s get started, okay? First and foremost, I’d like to report that we never got any of those “catastrophic” storms the National Weather Service predicted for us this morning (see post). Although I didn’t really want destructive weather — our big tornado outbreak on April 3 was more than enough — we also didn’t get any measurable rain today, either. Less than one-tenth of an inch. This sucks because north Texas is still on stage 3 water restrictions, which means we can only water our lawns twice a month. If we don’t get a little free water from the sky now and then we’ll be screwed.

And now for some breaking international news from Europe! Apparently the crackerjack police of Paris have seized 13 tons of contraband miniature Eiffel Towers. The owner of a Paris souvenir shop, her husband and her son were arrested during the trinket seizure on Friday and accused of selling artificial crap — as opposed to authentic crap — without a permit at their gift shops in the Eiffel Tower and Louvre. The operation was led jointly by the Paris police department and French customs after several months of intense surveillance. I don’t know about you, but all of a sudden I’ve got a visual of Inspector Clousseau hiding in a bush.

Next to beer, guns and pickup trucks a Texan’s favorite pasttime is greasy food, so you’ll surely understand that — according to every news website in town — the city’s number one goal for 2012 has involved researching, eating and acclaiming the Best Burgers in Dallas. And they’ve even published a map to help us find them.
The blue pins indicate the following dining establishments: The Commissary, Elevation Burger, The Grape, Fred’s Texas Cafe, Ketchup Burger Bar, Marquee Grill, Off-Site Kitchen and Wingfield’s. Although Sam and I have never eaten at any of these restaurants, after viewing a 20-page photo gallery on the Dallas Morning News’ website I’m ready to head out the door RIGHT NOW. Are these gorgeous, or what?
Next time you come for a visit Sam and I promise to include one or more of these fine establishments on our “do” list. FYI, the burger on the right weighs 10 ounces without the bacon and bun. Glorioski!

And finally, a recent research study at Aix-Marseille University in France has revealed that baboons are able to distinguish between real and fake words in print about three-out-of-four times, according to the results published in Thursday’s science journal. Four-year-old Dan Baboon, the star of the bunch and equivalent in age to a human teenager, got 80% of the words right and learned 308 four-letter words. That being said, the Howdygram is pleased to announce the Republican party’s 2016 running primates for president in 2016.
Please don’t throw peanuts during the debates and thank you for reading this.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Crushing news from the bowels of Howdygramland.

I don’t really know how to break this story so I’ll just blurt it out. Candy manufacturer Just Born, Inc., has announced that Mike and Ike have decided to split up. And in a quirky advertising tactic to revive interest in their 72-year-old product, Just Born is hinting at GAY DIVORCE.
Apparently Mike plans to work on his music and Ike wants to work on his art, and their separation is being promoted through new packaging, funny YouTube videos and goofy billboards. Here are two of the aforementioned funny videos for your possible interest … the first was produced by Just Born staff, the second shows reactions from teens on the street.

On a personal note, I’m devastated by the news because my long-standing affection for Mike and Ike made me what I am today. Diabetic.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Holy crap. I’ve turned into a bowl of toxic soup.

So here’s the weekend outlook from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! We’ve got severe thunderstorms on the way Saturday night and all day Sunday plus a chance for tornadoes on Sunday. Since most of the area is still recovering from that record-breaking tornado outbreak on April 3 I wouldn’t mind skipping the wind, hail and fireworks and just get down to essentials ... all I really want is a good soaking RAIN. Below is a map of Sunday’s predicted storm activity, courtesy of
So far so good with my new diabetes meds. My blood sugar was slightly lower today than yesterday — please feel free to cheer — and I seriously hope the trend continues so we can finally get this sucker under control. I just injected my nightly dose of insulin and celebrated by swallowing a fistful of assorted pills: two Benazepril Hydrochlorothiazides, three Amitriptyline Hydrochlorides, one Atorvastatin (the generic version of Lipitor) and one Spironolactone, all working diligently to treat a number of chronic health conditions such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol and peripheral neuropathy. I also take four Glyburide tablets every day (two at breakfast, two at dinner) to help control my blood sugar because apparently insulin isn’t enough all by itself.

Holy crap. I’ve turned into a bowl of TOXIC SOUP.

Sam is asleep in the family room pretending to watch a bunch of “Deadliest Catch” reruns so maybe this is a good time to sneak a quick shower before he wakes up. Tomorrow’s agenda includes grocery shopping and Sam promised to assemble the new rolling laundry sorter I bought last month — pictured below for your possible interest — because my old one pretty much bit the dust.
We’re also planning to watch a couple of classic Walter Huston movies tomorrow ... The Devil and Daniel Webster (1941) and Dodsworth (1936). These are two of our all-time favorites. If you’d like to join us I’m making grilled cheese for dinner with a side order of Vlasic pickles.
The cast of Dodsworth also includes Mary Astor — we love Mary Astor! — and David Niven. Thank you for reading this.

Einsteins walk among us.

Good morning, boys and girls. It’s Friday the 13th in Howdygramland, a “holiday” that means absolutely nothing to me whatsoever and therefore I have zero plans to alter any of my daily activities, which include: 1) making the bed; 2) eating beet borscht; 3) stain removal; and 4) writing this post.

Breaking news. I started injecting 16 units of Lantus insulin last night at bedtime. This is not particularly exciting, per se, but it’s a life-changing event for a person with type 2 diabetes because I have to test my blood sugar four times a day now. That’s a lot. And the damn testing supplies cost more than my medication.

On a lighter note, Arby’s is announcing FREE CURLY FRIES — no purchase necessary — at all of their restaurants on Income Tax Day, April 17. Free curly fries is a fine idea but the Howdygram strongly recommends that you avoid Arby’s pre-chewed roast beef sandwiches. Even Horsey Sauce can’t save them. (Why is this chain still in business?)
I’d like to talk about a local Einstein for a minute, okay? Meet Oliver Johnson (see below), Einstein extraordinaire, who burglarized a perfume store at the Allen Premium Outlet Mall early Sunday morning around 5 a.m., loaded his pickup with hundreds of bottles of designer fragrances and sped away. Unfortunately, he was spotted by a security guard, who called 911.

Police caught up with Johnson heading southbound on I-75 and chased him at speeds exceeding 100 m.p.h. through Allen, Plano, Richardson and into Dallas, where he eventually bailed out of his truck and ran like a maniac, dropping his photo I.D. At this point the police know who he is and where he lives, retrieve his vehicle and all the merchandise he’d stolen, and didn’t even have to work very hard to apprehend him. The following morning Einstein calls police headquarters to report his abandoned getaway vehicle stolen, so they tell him they have his truck if he wants to come on down and pick it up. Guess what happened next.

I have to empty the dryer now. Thank you for reading this. Seriously.