Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly anywhere again unless somebody invents a sectional sofa with wings.

Sam got home from work this morning at 5 a.m. I always have trouble sleeping well when he’s gone all night like that and keep opening my eyes to look at the clock on the nightstand. And what’s worse, Sam left here yesterday at 1:15 in the afternoon … that’s a 14½-hour work day! I’d like to beat the crap out of somebody but I can’t figure out who.

And so here we sit, Sam and me, both of us barely conscious from insufficient sleep, thinking whether we should eat lunch (it’s 11:30) or try taking a nap. I vote for the nap, to tell you the truth. Naps are GOOD. I’ll finish posting afterwards. Please stand by.

Believe it or not, there was a five-hour lapse after composing the second paragraph of this post. I just woke up. Shortly after noon I slipped into an immediate post-food coma on the chaise in the family room and don’t even remember Sam leaving for work. It’s presently 4:35 p.m. That’s one hell of a nap even for ME ... and I’m a charter member of the Olympic napping squad!

To clear the cobwebs from my head I just placed a lovely order with Netrition.com, which includes all of the following:
In case you’re wondering, I order practically all of my grocery products — with certain exceptions, obviously, such as frozen crap, fresh vegetables, Loma Linda fake meat in a can and cream cheese — online from Netrition because I don’t have the stamina, balance or motivation to shlep through supermarkets any more and therefore have no idea if any of these products are available locally. I also don’t like to annoy Sam with complex grocery lists or trips to multiple markets. First-time products in this Netrition order include the zero-carb kelp noodles, Walden Farms no-calorie strawberry syrup (reviewers say it’s swell in a smoothie) and Walden Farms no-calorie Asian dressing. The latter will douse the aforementioned zero-carb kelp noodles and be consumed cold like a salad with a few nice shrimp and a fork. Oh boy! And I mean this most sincerely.

For the last half-hour I’ve been receiving emails from my cousin Bobby with photos of his oldest son’s wedding in California earlier this month. Here, for your possible interest, is a group shot of my favorite cousins posing together at Gideon and Kimi’s big event and looking mighty damn wonderful. I haven’t seen them in an awfully long time. And yes, obviously, we’re all senior citizens now. Oy.
And here are the bride and groom. After seeing these pictures I’m really sorry that Sam and I couldn’t make it to their wedding. Frankly it’s tough to accept that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly anywhere again unless somebody invents a sectional sofa with wings.
There’s still time to tune in for tonight’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn” on TruTV, which the Howdygram heartily recommends for your viewing pleasure. This is one of our favorite reality shows because there’s nothing quite as entertaining as ghetto maniacs being dragged out of a pawn shop by 350-pound bouncers. Thank you for reading this.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Sarah Palin, the unpopular mean girl who didn’t get invited to the cool kids’ party.

And now for something completely different! As I write this post I’m also bidding on eBay in an effort to snag myself some cheap boxes of glucose test strips. They’re about $58 on Amazon.com but I just discovered them on eBay for a whole lot less. I won an auction about half an hour ago and bought a box of 100 for $41.95 with free shipping, and now I’m bidding on another box of 100 from a different seller. My current high bid is $32 and the auction closes in about 25 minutes. This is cutting into my nap time but what the hell, it’s worth the trouble if I can save some dough on these stupid things. I test my blood glucose four times a day, which means a box of 100 test strips lasts about three weeks.
In my opinion glucose test strips are the Diabetesland version of inkjet printer cartridges. You can buy a name-brand printer dirt cheap but it’s the ink that’ll bankrupt you. Well, diabetics are in the same boat with all their testing crapola. You can find glucose meters on Amazon for less than ten bucks — or even get one FREE from your doctor — but the test strips cost a fortune and (no surprise) they’re also an essential part of a diabetic’s daily routine. With a prescription the insurance co-pay is about $65 for 50 strips, and on Amazon (as I mentioned earlier) you’ll pay about $58 for 100. That’s why this eBay auction is such a big stinking hoo-hah. I always thought Amazon was cheap but my current bid on eBay is $26 less than Amazon’s lowest price. I’m so excited I might need pickles & biscuits for dinner.

Here’s our latest Putz of the Week award! This time the Howdygram is honoring crab-ass Sarah Palin, the half-term loser from Alaska, for her snotty, unsolicited remarks about the White House Correspondents’ Dinner a couple of days ago. Palin wrote on her Facebook page: “Yuk it up, media and pols. While America is buried in taxes and a fight for our rights, the permanent political class in DC dresses up and has a prom to make fun of themselves. No need for that, we get the real joke.” And on Twitter, she wrote: “That White House Correspondents’ Dinner was pathetic. The rest of America is out there working our asses off while these DC assclowns throw themselves a #nerdprom.”
Isn’t this exactly what we’d expect from the unpopular mean girl who didn’t get invited to the cool kids’ party? Stay classy, Sarah. Maybe next year you’ll be asked to deliver the keynote address at the National Bowhunters’ Conference. They meet in the back room of a Waffle House in Anchorage.

Yesterday online I saw a photo of Sean Connery taken a few days ago while he was strolling around Manhattan. I thought he looked not too decrepit at 82 years old but didn’t actually realize how much he’d aged until I Googled a photo of Sean in a bodybuilding competition from the mid-1950s. Oy, people, I’m speechless. James Bond is a GEEZER!
I think I’ll gnaw on a couple of Slim Jims now and watch today’s episode of “People’s Court.” Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Don’t get hysterical. Mister Furry is a faux mink blanket.

Hello. It’s me, Marcy, and I’m freezing. I’ve got this crazy hypothermic body temperature thing again — 95.6° last time I checked — and I’m so damn cold I can’t even get comfortable in bed. I figure I’ll just sit here for a while and write a Howdygram post, but eventually I plan to migrate into the family room and spend the rest of the night on the chaise with Mister Furry. (Don’t get hysterical. Mister Furry is a faux mink blanket.)

FYI, the hypothermia issue is one of the many symptoms of diabetic neuropathy. Trust me, all of them suck.

Know what? I’ve finally given up on those crappy Schwan’s chicken whatnots mentioned in my last post. Even the best sugar-free teriyaki sauce on the planet couldn’t help them. On Wednesday I’m handing them back to our delivery doofus (that’s his actual job title) when he brings our next order and asking for a refund. I never want to see those miserable things again for the rest of my life.

I thought I’d share the following video that I found last night on Gawker.com. It’s a Puerto Rican TV news anchor who has a Bruce Almighty moment on the air and apparently goes insane. (It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand Spanish. Neither do I.) Check it out.

In case you’ve never seen Bruce Almighty, here’s that comparable scene with Steve Carrell and Jim Carrey. The first time I saw this I almost wet my pants.

Before I finally get some sleep (it’s almost 3:30 in the morning) I thought I’d post my latest haul of free fonts, most of them downloaded on Saturday morning while Sam was at Costco buying pistachios, parmesan cheese, beef jerky and sushi.
Thank you for reading this.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Rick Perry deserves another Putz of the Week award more than anybody else on the planet.

It’s almost 8:30 and I haven’t eaten dinner yet. This kind of lead-in sentence can only mean one thing: I’ve got some great crap to share with you, and for the moment I’d rather write than eat. This could change at any time, however.

Once again the Howdygram is honoring the Lone Star State’s biggest embarrassment, Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry, with our Putz of the Week award. This is Perry’s third win in case you’re keeping track.
Like a sad and desperate former rock star, Perry is currently touring America to lure jobs and businesses to Texas, touting the state’s low taxes and lack of annoying regulations and government interference. California laughed him off the airwaves; this week in Illinois he received a nasty reception from government officials. Nobody’s buying what Perry’s selling, and this is most likely because:
  1. During the last national election Governor Einstein seriously suggested that Texas should secede from the union.
  2. Half the adult population of Texas doesn’t have a high school diploma or GED.
  3. We’re the 9th poorest state in the nation. 
  4. Texas ranks 46th of the 50 states in education and just laid off 49,000 teachers.
  5. State lawmakers voted to rewrite history textbooks from a religious and reactionary viewpoint.
  6. Texas is tied with Mississippi for the highest percentage of workers in minimum wage, no-benefits jobs.
  7. We have the highest percentage of medically uninsured residents of any state.
  8. Texas holds the record for most Death Row executions, even if you’re innocent.
So why am I bringing this up? Because Perry got hugely pissed off this week by a political cartoon published in the Sacramento Bee, which appears below for your possible interest.
Lots of commenters online, as well as Rick Perry, thought the cartoon was horrible and tasteless and mocked the dead and wounded in the West, Texas, fertilizer plant explosion. They missed the point. The artist isn’t mocking the dead and wounded ... HE’S MOCKING RICK PERRY. The fertilizer plant hadn’t been inspected by the state of Texas since 2006 and was storing highly volatile ammonium nitrate at 1,370 times the legal limit. Worse yet, Texas has no statewide zoning regulations and allows individual municipalities to decide these issues on their own without intervention. This explains how come the fertilizer plant in question was adjacent to an apartment complex, a middle school and a nursing home, all of which were flattened by an explosion so enormous it left a 93-foot wide crater and registered 2.6 on the Richter scale. Rick Perry deserves another Putz of the Week award more than anybody else on the planet.

Thank you for letting me rant.

And now, because I am diabetic with quickly-plummeting blood sugar, I need to turn my attention to something really important: EATING THINGS. At the moment I’m considering a large pot of steamed California blend veggies with fake spray-on butter and a nice little bowl of chicken whatnots in sugar-free teriyaki sauce. The veggies and whatnots are both convenient frozen products Schwan’s and pictured below. The teriyaki sauce (see right) is another brilliant offering from Netrition that tastes so damn good you’d never guess it’s low-carb and will probably make those strange little whatnots practically edible.
Thank you for stopping by tonight. Tell your friends, okay?

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Wintergreen TicTacs and sugar-free Jello. The possibilities are endless.

This has been one hell of a day at Howdygram headquarters for two really huge reasons: 1) Sam arranged to refinance our house this morning and locked in a 15-year loan at 2.75%, which is Wells Fargo’s rock-bottom lowest Holy Crap Mortgage Rate; and 2) I downloaded another 20 fonts, all of them exquisite. TWENTY! I’m so excited I could puke!
My favorites? Dominique, Pocket Casual and Doggie Bag, with Cherry Cream and Scriptek as runners-up. (Fonts almost make me happier than Mongolian chicken.)

Don’t forget the “Project Runway” finale tonight on Lifetime! This is REALLY HUGE and I know you won’t want to miss it. Stanley, Patricia and Michelle are the three season 11 finalists. I personally think they all suck in their own special way, but it’s always a hoot to see who wins and who loses, plus adorable fashion icon Michael Kors will be on hand as a guest judge, which is great news because his critiques are some of my favorite one-liners EVER, i.e., “Her crotch looks absolutely insane” and “Mazel tov. She’s wearing the bar mitzvah dress from hell”.

I think it’s probably time to consider dinner. Tonight I’m making a pot of low-carb Dixie Diner’s Skinni Spaghetti, only three net carbs per serving, and it’s my plan to eat the whole damn package (12 carbs) with olive oil and parmesan cheese. For dessert I’ll improvise with wintergreen TicTacs and sugar-free Jello. The possibilities are endless.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Sam welcomes the Obamas to Dallas.

There’s a huge hoo-hah tonight in Dallas because all of our former presidents are flying into town for the George W. Bush Presidential Center dedication tomorrow. Sam called me during his dinner break tonight at work and said swarms of Secret Service, police cars and big black Suburbans were streaming into the Crescent Hotel across the courtyard from his office. The Obamas are staying overnight at the Omni, so the big show at the Crescent had to be for the Carters or the Clintons. Is this exciting, or what?
In case you’re wondering, I didn’t forget. In an earlier post I promised to write a review of Schwan’s pre-cooked, pre-cubed chicken whatnots, and here it is. In a word: I’M NOT IMPRESSED. (Okay, fine. That’s three words.)
These little wads of white meat chicken are very attractive and convenient as hell, but there are a couple of major negatives: 1) they’ve got the texture of a poached mousepad; and 2) they’re insanely overpriced to the tune of $13.11 for 1½ pounds. That last point is especially important when you consider Schwan’s sells a five-pound sack of really beautiful individually-frozen boneless chicken boobies for only three bucks more. Thank you.

When Sam finally gets home from work tonight — hopefully by midnight — we’re going watch Artists and Models (1955) starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, which I recorded a few hours ago on the Retro movie channel.
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Artists and Models, believe it or not, because nobody ever shows the old Martin and Lewis comedies on TV ... and I don’t know why! A couple of days ago Sam and I watched Martin and Lewis in The Stooge (1953) and it was HILARIOUS. Nobody does comedy like Jerry Lewis. I adore this guy.
Without a doubt, though, one of my favorite Jerry Lewis shticks is from The Patsy (1964) when he’s in a studio recording “I Lost My Heart in a Drive-In Movie” with three backup singers.

I guess that’s about it for tonight, people. Sam’s on his way home (he just called) and I’m craving pickles, Beanit Butter and chocolate Soy Slender soy milk. For the record, my taste buds are definitely NOT aging very well.

Thank you for reading this.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Harry Truman looked like a middle-aged man when he was nine years old.

Practically every day of my life I get emails from Organizing for Action, President Obama’s political action committee. These include polls and questionnaires, frequent updates on every issue before Congress, opinions and ideas from everybody on Obama’s staff, press conference videos, speech transcripts, lists of the administration’s priorities, goals, challenges, disappointments and accomplishments, and — more recently — persistent requests to “join the good fight” with a bare-bones, grassroots group of community activitists here in Dallas. Obama’s Organizing for Action may be a swell bunch of fun, hard-working progressives, but I’ve got news for them: I’m better suited to ORGANIZING FOR NAPS. This is because: 1) I practically never go anywhere; 2) I hate wearing a brassiere; 3) I’ve got chronic pain and mobility issues that affect my mood, my stamina and my tolerance; and 4) people generally tend to piss me off for no reason at all.

I’m no community activist. I just want to write the Howdygram, watch “People’s Court” and  eat biscuits, PERIOD.

And now, for your possible interest, I’m pleased to post another image collection of celebrities when they were young. I think my favorite has to be Harry Truman, who clearly looked like a middle-aged man at the age of nine. Other cutie-pies are Julie Andrews, Ellen DeGeneres, Hillary Clinton and Paul Newman. (Don’t get me started on John Wayne. Was he gorgeous, or what?)
I’ve also got another edition of our Holy Crap Gallery to share with you, this time featuring a quartet of Hollywood sex symbols gone to seed. It’s sort of reassuring to know they all have the same aging issues — and obvious addiction to cheeseburgers — as the rest of us. Is it just me, or did Nick Nolte turn into a vagrant?
Time for a nice hot shower and a whole bunch of food, with special emphasis on the lovely half-sour pickles that I got today from the KC Kosher Co-Op. I ate one as soon as I got home from picking up my order but I need to eat a lot more of them. Like NOW.

Thank you for reading this.

Monday, April 22, 2013

The highlight of my week: A case of kosher pickles and 12 canisters of chicken soup mix.

By now you’ve probably noticed that I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday. This was due mostly to the fact that we had a lazy weekend and didn’t do very much. Sam needed a lot of sleep, which he got, and I made tuna salad. We also watched a few movies but I can’t remember which ones because I’m getting old.

One more reason I’m feeling my age: I read that Richie Havens died of a heart attack today. I loved this dude! Havens, who was 72, mostly recorded covers of other artists’ hits but turned them into his own personal triumphs with better vocals and instrumentals than the original recordings. Here’s Richie singing one of my personal favorites, George Harrison’s “Here Comes the Sun,” from Woodstock’s 40th anniversary back in in 2009.

I might be a little late to the picnic on this topic, but I’ve finally realized that the Internet is an appalling waste of time. After I dug up this terrific video of Richie Havens I spent THREE SOLID HOURS glued to YouTube watching a mashup of Judy Judy’s best cases. I think my favorite was a 40-year-old man suing a 13-year-old neighbor girl who didn’t pay him for the liquor and cigarettes he bought her. While this was probably worth three hours of my life, I haven’t eaten since 11:45 this morning and my blood sugar is plummeting. Holy crap.

For your possible interest, here’s what’s happening this week at Howdygram headquarters.
  • The highlight of my week: Tomorrow is pickup day for my April order from the KC Kosher Co-Op. I have to drive into Dallas to meet the delivery truck at 5 p.m. in a ritzy Jewish neighborhood about a mile from George W. Bush’s house. This month’s loot includes a six-jar carton of Ba-tampte half-sour pickles and 12 canisters of Kosher Carmel chicken soup mix.
  • My maid service will be here Wednesday at 1:30.
  • The big season 11 “Project Runway” finale is Thursday night at 8 Central time. I’m ready, people.
  • Sam has an appointment with an ophthalmologist Friday morning to discuss cataract surgery.
I didn’t think I’d run across another Putz of the Week candidate so soon after honoring Louie Gohmert in my last post, but there’s definitely an abundance of right-wing cretins waiting for the Howdygram’s acknowledgement. This time it’s Minnesota’s ultra-conservative radio host Bob Davis, who announced on the air that Sandy Hook families can “go to hell” for infringing on his gun rights.
On Friday Davis was discussing the Newtown tragedy during his talk show on Twin Cities News Talk AM 1130 and launched into a hideous tirade about how family members of the 26 victims — who were mostly 6 and 7 years old — are suddenly advocates for gun control. Here’s a direct quote of his remarks. You’d better have a barf bag handy.

“I have something I want to say to the victims of Newtown, or any other shooting. I don’t care if it’s here in Minneapolis or anyplace else. Just because a bad thing happened to you doesn’t mean that you get to put a king in charge of my life. I’m sorry that you suffered a tragedy, but you know what? Deal with it, and don’t force me to lose my liberty, which is a greater tragedy than your loss. I’m sick and tired of seeing these victims trotted out, given rides on Air Force One, hauled into the Senate, and everyone is just afraid — they’re terrified of these victims. I would stand in front of them and tell them GO TO HELL.”

I have news for you Bob: The families of those children are already in hell and I HAVE NO DOUBT YOU’RE GOING TO JOIN THEM. And while I’m at it, isn’t it amazing how these loudmouth right-wing sacks of poo can spout liberty and freedom when it comes to their stupid guns but have no problem refusing women the right to a legal abortion? I’m just saying.


It’s almost 9 p.m. and I’d better figure out immediately what I want for dinner and shlep myself into the kitchen. Leftover Chinese sounds like the perfect option because it’s also the fastest option. Thank you for reading this!

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Meet Louie Gohmert, our Putz of the Week and king of the conspiracy theories.

Hello, and welcome to Saturday night at Howdygram headquarters! I almost didn’t write a post tonight but changed my mind at the last minute. Sam is conked out in the family room watching a screwy movie from the 1960s called Wake Me When It’s Over starring Ernie Kovacs and Don Knotts, but personally I’m feeling a little restless and think maybe it would be fun to hop in the car and drive all over downtown Dallas for a while. Except I’d have to wear shoes and a brassiere, and I’m definitely not motivated enough for anything as radical as THAT. So the hell with it.

Know what? It’s time for a Putz of the Week award! Tonight we’re honoring another Texan because there’s no shortage of politicians in this state who clearly suffer from blunt head trauma. Our latest honoree is GOP Congressman Louie Gohmert, the patron saint of marginally-literate east Texas racists, a card-carrying “birther” and king of the conspiracy theories, who claims to have a handle on how America can avoid future tragedies like the Boston Marathon terror bombing: Build a great big wall to keep out radical Mexican fundamentalists.
Gohmert told CSPAN, “We know Al Qaeda has camps with the drug cartels on the other side of the Mexican border. We know that people are now being trained to come in and act like Mexicans when they’re radical Islamics. We know these things are happening and it’s just insane not to protect ourselves.” Except pretending to be an undocumented Mexican to avoid suspicion with Texas law enforcement is maybe the lousiest infiltration strategy EVER.

And there’s not a single shred of evidence that what he says is true. As usual.

Louie Gohmert, incidentally, is the same putz who made that infamous conspiracy speech to Congress in 2010 about the danger of “terror babies” and then ranted like a lunatic in an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, which appears below for your possible interest and amusement. Just one more shining moment for the Lone Star State. Holy crap. (You deserve a round of applause if you can sit through the entire video without shoving your foot through the screen.)

I think I might need a nice movie now and a late-night snack, maybe a bag of low-carb Lowrey’s microwave bacon curls and a sour cream dip or pickles & biscuits. (I love pickles & biscuits.) See you tomorrow, okay?

Friday, April 19, 2013

Proof that you don’t need any functioning brain cells to be an Olympic swimmer.

Everybody knows I’m a big fan of “Project Runway,” and last night’s episode finally revealed the three finalists (pictured below) who will show their collections at Fashion Week. I have to admit, I’m underwhelmed this year.
Patricia creates capes with horsehair fringe for Native Americans, Michelle’s designs are all Victorian “steampunk” in dark green (seriously) with quilted leggings and pounds of hardware, and Stanley’s clothes are simply, in a word: GORGEOUS. I’d wear them in a heartbeat, and that’s exactly why he’ll never win: I’M IN MY SIXTIES. I can’t imagine any fashion designer ever hitting the big time if his target customers are senior citizens with corrective shoes and boring underpants. Nevertheless, try to tune in next Thursday night on Lifetime to see who wins. If you care.

And now a little something from the zany world of politics! Jon “Einstein” Lundberg, a Republican State Senator from Tennessee, finally found time to focus his efforts on passing a vital and long-deserved resolution: A resolution honoring himself. The resolution was written by Lundberg’s staff to honor the 20th anniversary of the Senator’s P.R. firm. When asked about spending $300 of the taxpayer’s money on a self-congratulating resolution, Lundberg remarked that he paid back the state of Tennessee for the cost of the paper. (How about also reimbursing taxpayers for this indefensible waste of time?) According to local news station WSMV, this wasn’t Lundberg’s first abuse, because he also passed a resolution honoring his daughter when she graduated from high school. Holy crap.

At last, here’s ample proof that you don’t need any functioning brain cells to be an Olympic swimmer! A pair of anchors on Fox’s Philadelphia morning show dissolve into hysterics after interviewing vacant Ryan Lochte about his upcoming reality TV show, “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”, which focuses on Ryan partying at Hooters, Ryan getting drunk, Ryan posing without a shirt and Ryan learning how to tie his shoes. 

Lochte’s reality show premiers on Sunday, April 21, at 9 p.m. Central on E! Entertainment. For the record, I think I’d rather watch “What Would Terri Schiavo Do?”.

And now for a welcome diversion from the Boston Marathon bombing, here’s a video of a Russian cat playing with a vacuum cleaner hose. On YouTube it’s titled “Кот и пылесос.” This can probably best be translated as: “In Search of Last Night’s Hairball.”

My Friday night sock-folding party starts in 30 minutes. Thank you for reading this.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Tasty coleslaw goo and other items of interest.

As far as I’m concerned, the world is sucking right now for the following reasons:
  • The United States is blowing up.
  • The Senate thinks it’s fine for mentally ill Americans to buy assault weapons at gun shows.
  • A lousy Elvis impersonator from Mississippi is mailing poison letters to President Obama.
  • The Texas legislature actually voted to rename Dallas’ North Central Expressway for George W. Bush.
  • Sam won’t be home from work until 4 a.m. 
No kidding, people, this crap is giving me a MIGRAINE.

On the plus side, there’s also some genuinely happy news tonight from Howdygram headquarters, which includes: 1) I fell in love with Walden Farms amazing zero-calorie coleslaw dressing, pictured at right; 2) my April subscription deliveries from Amazon.com will arrive on Friday; and 3) I participated in an interesting 60-minute AARP webinar about what a person needs to know about Social Security before signing up for benefits. Unfortunately, I’m still confused as hell.

Regarding item one in the previous paragraph, this tasty goo is absolutely incredible. One 12-oz. bottle is the perfect companion for a standard-size bag of shredded coleslaw mix from the grocery store — i.e., chopped-up cabbage and teeny carrot strings — and you’d never guess in a million years that it’s not a high-calorie, high-fat dressing. I LOVE IT. You can buy yours here from Netrition.com.

Item two is pictured below for your possible interest.
If you’ve never tried online subscription deliveries you’re definitely missing one of life’s guilty pleasures. Amazon really has the entire procedure nailed down, and you even get an extra discount when you subscribe to five or more products every month. I love extra discounts!

And now for a couple of excellent video clips! The first shows what happens when an intoxicated idiot wanders onto the field during a high school football game and a bunch of angry dads decide to take him down. Apparently this was a lot like wrestling an alligator.

Next, remember the big hoo-hah about Beyoncé lip-syncing the National Anthem at President Obama’s inauguration? In case you missed it, here’s the video of her actual performance that day. (Be sure to click the “CC” icon to get the full effect.)

I think I’ll watch an old Melvyn Douglas movie now. Thank you for reading this.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Oy, I almost forgot.

I have to share my latest stash of new fonts! I now have 15 million and continue to prowl for more almost daily. For your possible interest a list of my favorite font websites appears in the right sidebar of the Howdygram.
Thank you for reading this.

I think a water feature would be a nice addition to the front yard.

We’re waiting for weather here at Howdygram headquarters. North Texas is expecting severe storms during the wee hours — starting around 3 a.m. — with hail, crazy wind and a chance of tornadoes. Frankly, I’ll believe it when I see it. The lying sacks of poo at Weather.com have predicted the same hoo-hah a million times before but all we ever get is a bogus forecast and NO RAIN. We never stop hoping, though. It’s like Charlie Brown and that miserable football. In the event you care about this, here’s the weather we’ve been promised tonight:
Breaking news! Regarding my Howdygram post from April 2, the information provided in Scary Story Number One was a wee bit premature. The Aryan Brotherhood of Texas, a prison gang of white supremacist halfwits, apparently was NOT responsible for the multiple homicides in nearby Kaufman County. A former justice of the peace and his wife have been arrested and charged with capital murder after confessing to the assassinations of District Attorney Michael McLelland and his wife, Cynthia, at their home on March 30, and for the drive-by murder of Assistant District Attorney Mark Hasse on January 31. Eric and Kim Williams are in jail and being held on $10 million bond. (In other words, they ain’t goin’ nowhere.) Mug shots of the Williams Gang appear below. I think they look like people you’d run into at IHOP on Saturday morning.
And as long as I’m reporting local crime I guess I should throw another scary story into the mix. Mesquite police received a missing person report yesterday and located the victim’s car a few hours later in the Wal-Mart Supercenter parking lot at Belt Line Road and I-80 with his body stuffed in the trunk. Law enforcement officials have arrested Randy Wilson Wright, pictured at right, for capital murder. Please be advised that the Wal-Mart in question here is about two miles south of Howdygram headquarters in a very decent neighborhood with lots of restaurants, two nice motels, a new car wash and across the street from our favorite Denny’s. Holy crap! The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) The Wal-Mart Supercenter on I-80 where criminals are parking dead bodies; C) the aforementioned favorite Denny’s; and D) the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market on Town East Boulevard where Sam buys fruit, yogurt and lunch meat.
If this keeps up we might have to hire armed guards or build a moat around the house. Personally, I vote for the moat because I think a water feature would be a nice addition to the front yard.

And now it’s time for some Wednesday evening recreation, featuring: 1) an insulin injection; 2) homemade chicken soup with zero-calorie Miracle Rice and a low-carb black raspberry smoothie; 3) four “Hardcore Pawn” reruns; and 4) folding socks. I love my life, people.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Cut-up chicken whatnots from Schwan’s are a perfect convenience for the modern housewife.

Here’s a late-breaking story from our Financial News Desk! I am now an official Netrition.com affiliate because I frequently use a considerable amount Howdygram real estate to rave about their products and their website, and I figured why not try to make a few extra bucks while I’m at it. I have no idea if any of my readers actually shop on Netrition.com, but if you click through using any link on the Howdygram I’ll eventually be a millionaire! (Okay, I might be exaggerating. Maybe they’ll pay me $35.)
I am a modern housewife. I just ordered a sack of pre-cooked, pre-cubed frozen chicken from Schwan’s so I won’t have to cook and cube my own damn chicken any more. (For some reason that looks a whole lot worse in print than I thought it would.) This stuff gets excellent customer reviews online — no surprise — for flavor and convenience, but at $13 a bag they’d better be 100% INCREDIBLE. I get my biweekly Schwan’s delivery tomorrow morning. Please stay tuned for a full review.
There’s hot news tonight from the Middle East. At least three men from the United Arab Emirates attending the Heritage & Cultural Festival in Saudi Arabia were kicked out of the country when religious police officers decided they were “too handsome” to stay. Members of the Saudi mutaween police suddenly stormed the pavilion and removed the men by force after the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vices feared that female festival visitors would find them “too irresistible.” The Emirati delegates were deported back to their home country. In my opinion, the only Arab who’d ever qualify for deportation on these grounds would be Sherif Ali* and DEFINITELY NOT the sword-swinging screwballs pictured in the photo below. Holy crap.
*That’s Omar Sharif in Lawrence of Arabia. (He was even prettier than Peter O’Toole.)

One final thought before I join Sam in the family room to watch tonight’s episodes of “Deadliest Catch” and “Hardcore Pawn.” In case you’ve ever wondered how much sugar you’re actually consuming, check out the following video clip.

Pass the Splenda and thank you for reading this.

Monday, April 15, 2013

If you put your hand on my forehead I’m as cold as a mackerel.

It’s Monday evening, and not much has happened here today with the following possible exceptions: 1) Sam got a haircut; 2) Sam went to Wal-Mart for green onions and a jar of green olives; 3) I took an unexpected three-hour nap; and 4) when I woke up my blood sugar had dropped to 42. Holy crap.

With regard to the Wal-Mart trip, green onions and green olives are two of my favorite foods, and this week I want to make my low-carb Spinach and Feta Cheese Casserole, for which green onions are an essential component, and the green olives are just for the hell of it because I love them. Big ones, with red things inside, as pictured below.
Concerning item four above, 42 is an all-time low for me — a scary all-time low — because I didn’t feel weird in any way whatsoever. The only reason I bothered to test my blood sugar was to find out why I was hungry, and I had already been awake for 45 minutes by then.

In case you’re interested, being unable to tell when your blood sugar is too low is a frightening form of autonomic neuropathy, also called “dysautonomia,” which is a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system frequently found in diabetics. Typically during a hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) episode you would feel like TOTAL CRAP — clammy, confused, dizzy, shaky and STARVING — which can be life-threatening and therefore even worse than the other neuropathy issue I’m experiencing on a daily basis: UNREGULATED BODY TEMPERATURE. At times my temperature is 95° and certifiably hypothermic, which feels like I’m running a high fever — chills, severe joint and muscle pain — except if you put your hand on my forehead I’m as cold as a mackerel.

Please be assured I’m NOT sharing all this whiny horseshit to get your sympathy. I JUST WANT LOTS OF PRESENTS. Thank you in advance for your generosity.

On tonight’s agenda: a nice hot shower, two back-to-back episodes of “Dallas,” and I might even make myself a batch of low-carb biscuits before Sam gets home from work. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

Sunday, April 14, 2013

More whining, more biscuits and more crapola.

So here’s what’s been happening today at Howdygram headquarters! Saturday night was seriously crappy with severely low blood sugar in the mid-40s, VERY low body temperature, chills and severe joint and muscle pain, which required sleeping, shivering and moaning on the chaise in the family room wrapped in a faux mink blanket. I’m surprised (and thankful) that I didn’t wake my spouse, who was comfortably unconscious in bed. I managed to perk up this morning, however, and talked Sam into an early lunch at Cafe Greek in Dallas followed by watching Adam Scott win the Masters at Augusta National on TV. The aforementioned chills and muscle pain came back this afternoon, however, and I’m not doing well at all as I write this post. I’m thinking I might need pickles and biscuits for dinner. Pickles and biscuits solve EVERYTHING.

For the record, these are low-carb biscuits, and I’ve got the easiest recipe on the face of the earth. I throw ⅔ cup of water and 2 cups of CarbQuik (a low-carb Bisquick knockoff) into my bread machine, process for about 90 seconds, and then drop six clumps of dough onto a nonstick cookie sheet, flatten the clumps with your fingers and bake for 15 minutes at 350°. (The biscuits, not your fingers.) That’s all there is to it. FRESH HOT BISCUITS! And they’re only TWO CARBS EACH, so a food-obsessed diabetic like yours truly can eat ALL SIX BISCUITS and not send her blood sugar into the stratosphere!
On TV tonight, for your possible interest, are the latest episode of AMC’s “Mad Men,” the season premiers of “Veep” on HBO and Anthony Bourdain’s new food and travel series on CNN, and a pair of extremely wonderful Walter Huston movies on TCM: Dodsworth (1936) and Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948).
This is so exciting I almost can’t stand it because Sam and I love Walter Huston movies. Thank you for reading this.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Deep thoughts from another Texas neanderthal: “If babies had guns, they wouldn’t be aborted.”

Sam and I enjoyed a fun and productive outing this morning: A JUNKET TO COSTCO! I hadn’t been out of the house for more than three weeks (seriously) so I was mighty excited about this. I rode around in a power cart while we loaded up on all of the following essentials:
  • Two dozen peeled hard-boiled eggs
  • A hell of a lot of cheese
  • Sliced roast beef for sandwiches
  • California rolls
  • Kitchen can trash bags
  • KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce
  • Breakfast burritos
  • A huge box of fully-cooked angus hamburger patties
  • Beef jerky
  • Pistachios
  • A bunch of fresh fruit
For the record, peeled hard-boiled eggs are the most decadent product EVER because you can make a gigantic bowl of egg salad without cracking a single shell, and the beef jerky we bought is for Sam because my dentures would break. A photo of our Costco in Rockwall, Texas, appears below for your possible interest.
Hey everybody, it’s another proud moment for the Lone Star State! This time GOP Congressman Steve Stockman is responsible for our latest public humiliation with his outrageous campaign bumper sticker: “If Babies Had Guns, They Wouldn’t Be Aborted.” Behold the face of a certifiable idiot.
What does this frightening neanderthal plan to do, insert teeny in-utero pistols during forced sonograms — which are now required in Texas if a woman wants an abortion — to enable an angry clump of cells to kill their mother? Holy crap. I can’t even wrap my head around this.

I need some happy thoughts here. Let’s talk FOOD. Tonight’s dinner will satisfy a couple of long-standing food cravings, which include grilled cheese on low-carb bread with a bowl of dill pickles and a lot of homemade cole slaw. Since I have to make my low-carb bread from scratch in the bread machine I’ll amuse myself in the meantime with a couple of Slim Jims and a Tyrone Power movie. Thank you for reading this.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Psychopaths, armed toddlers, bird flu and an all-new Kool Aid Man.

Is anybody besides me sick to death of the news? The last couple of days have been so horrible I almost don’t feel like writing a Howdygram post, but I’ll push forward nevertheless. Here are the devastating stories currently giving me the most grief.
  • Toddlers killing people with loaded guns.
  • Teenage boys posting photos of their unconscious rape victims on Facebook.
  • A deadly new strain of bird flu from China causes brain damage and organ failure.
  • A charter bus full of senior citizens crashes in Dallas on its way to the Choctaw Casino in Okahoma. Two are killed, two dozen are airlifted to hospitals with critical injuries.
  • Cicadas are invading the east coast. 
  • North Korea still won’t shut the hell up.
  • Psychopath Jodi Arias launches a Twitter account from jail. She has 16,000 followers.
  • Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio receives a mail bomb. (Yay.) It doesn’t go off. (Boo.)
  • West Nile Virus is already back in Dallas after a deadly season in 2012.
  • Kraft introduces a new Kool Aid Man.
I think the new Kool Aid Man looks exactly like the old Kool Aid Man. Also, does anybody really give a crap about this?

It’s 9 p.m. Friday night and I haven’t eaten anything since 11 this morning, a situation that probably explains why my blood sugar is plummeting (62 the last time I checked) and I’m starving. For the sake of expedience I have selected an everything-but-the-kitchen-sink evening feast that will include: 1) a jar of gefilte fish; 2) two leftover low-carb biscuits; 3) a small mountain of cheap dill pickles; 4) Slim Jims; and 5) a couple of sugar-free Russell Stover chocolate-covered marshmallows.

There’s enough for company if you’d like to come over so please send an email right away if you’re interested. Thank you.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Tonight’s menu: Practically Spaghetti and Meat Sauce.

Hi, kids. It’s me, Marcy! Remember the $15 lamp I ordered from Wal-Mart.com (see post) a couple of days ago? Sam assembled the silly thing this morning and it’s actually cute. VERY cute. And they even included a free 40-watt CFL bulb, one of those new environmentally-friendly corkscrew things. I’m impressed. When was the last time you bought a lamp at any price that included a free bulb?

There’s a big brou-ha-ha developing here in the Dallas area over a proposal by Texas State Representative Dan Branch to rename an eight-mile stretch of our North Central Expressway for George W. Bush. The backlash, as you might expect, has been nothing short of fierce. As I see it, there are three major arguments against this travesty.
  • Argument #1. We already have a huge George H.W. Bush Turnpike (named for Dubya’s father) that’s referred to simply as “the Bush.” I wouldn’t joke about this.
  • Argument #2. Dallas recently renamed a major boulevard near Southern Methodist University “George Bush Avenue” because it’s adjacent to Dubya’s new presidential library.
  • Argument #3. George W. Bush makes everybody sick, including Republicans and especially me.
Aside from the fact that naming yet another major Dallas artery for somebody named Bush would cause far too much confusion — i.e., “take the Bush to the Bush and go south on the Bush” — plenty of us have a real problem with who it’s being named for. Although Representative Branch insists this would only involve renaming a “small section” of the North Central Expressway, it happens to be the most important section ... an eight-mile stretch through all of downtown and the historical and cultural epicenter of the city. George W. Bush may live here, but we sure as hell don’t have to turn this into a never-ending celebration. Holy crap.

Join the fight — especially if you live in Texas — and sign this petition. Thank y’all.

And as long as I’m into politics and petitions (for a nice change of pace, right?), I hope you’ll sign this petition to encourage President Obama NOT TO CUT SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS. In an effort to spark budget talks he volunteered to include a miserable GOP proposal for “chained CPI,” a program that Republicans like to pretend is a smart solution to Social Security cost of living adjustments. In truth, chained CPI is a serious cut to benefits that hurts senior citizens ... and in case you’ve forgotten, I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN.

At the moment I’m also a hungry senior citizen, so I think I’ll mosey into the kitchen and whip up a big pot of Practically Spaghetti and Meat Sauce. This involves two bags of zero-calorie Miracle Noodles, half a jar of low-carb Bella Vita pasta sauce, hot pepper flakes, two drops of EZ Sweetz (no kidding, two drops!), half a cup of Thrive rehydrated beef TVP and a heap o’ parmesan cheese. This is damn good stuff, people. DAMN GOOD. And it tastes even better when you’re watching “Project Runway.”

Thank you for reading this.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

On a day like this whining is the only activity that interests me.

Every bone in my body hurts today. In addition to the arthritis in my knees, this time it’s also my elbows (oy, they’re killing me) and my hands, hips, ankles and lower back. I know what’s responsible. It has to be the hideously crappy weather system that blew through here overnight, dropping our temperature from 84° to 42° with plenty of wind and cold rain. I’ve been thoroughly miserable since I got up this morning. On a day like this whining is the only activity that interests me, and I’m so damn tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

Other than that, life at Howdygram headquarters isn’t bad at all for a Wednesday afternoon. My maid is cleaning the kitchen, I’ve got some fine movies on the DVR — such as New Morals for Old (1932) starring Robert Young, Myrna Loy and Lewis Stone — and if I feel motivated enough I’ll make scrambled eggs and low-carb biscuits for dinner. Nothing improves my mood quite like biscuits. Also Mongolian chicken.
Thank you for reading this.

Frozen pizza, a gallon of milk and bullets.

In case you’re wondering why I didn’t write a Howdygram post on Tuesday it’s because Ovation Creative (my graphic design business) was off the charts! In addition to wrapping up a huge website overhaul for my catering client in South Carolina, now he’s asking for a website for a second business venture with a logo, business cards and postcards. And if that’s not enough to keep me off the streets — and trust me, it is — I started a new website project this afternoon for an interior designer in Los Angeles (he needs it up and running by tomorrow), and an hour later I landed a consulting client in Georgia who wants business cards, a logo and a website.

Listen for the sound of my brain exploding by 3 o’clock this afternoon.

Thanks to Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry, Texas is once again the turd floating in America’s punch bowl. Einstein and his gun-loving legislature are rolling out the red carpet — along with a steaming pile of tax incentives — for firearm manufacturers all across America to c’mon down to Texas because Texans love you.
Perry already mailed letters to lure more than two dozen out-of-state gun and accessories manufacturers, particularly in states (i.e., Connecticut and Colorado) that are passing gun control laws. When Democratic State Senator Royce West suggested that Texas actually should be encouraging more supermarkets to open in the state because many areas don’t have any supermarkets at all, Perry’s pals responded that gun factories will naturally attract national grocery chains. Yup, that’s just what rural Texas needs most. Frozen pizza, a gallon of milk and BULLETS.

Something else to keep in mind. Governor Einstein refuses to pay for Medicaid expansion, defunded Planned Parenthood and shut down essential women’s health services. But gun makers get tax breaks. Holy crap.

I’m going back to bed now. Try not to make any noise if you decide to hang around for a while, okay?

Monday, April 8, 2013

Drugs that cause leg cramps and other useless information for seniors.

Show of hands. Is anybody besides me sick of all the email from AARP? I get at least one a day — usually it’s more like three — packed with uninspired and meaningless crap written by a staff of eager twentysomethings who think they know what’s really important to seniors. Trust me, sweetie, I’m not interested in your favorite TV shows, the latest antioxidant news or tips for choosing comfortable shoes. And I’m especially not interested in AARP’s new job search feature, which is essentially an oxymoron. Jobs? Why in hell would retirees be searching for jobs? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKING JOBS!
Other hot topics featured in AARP’s recent emails include:
  • “America’s 5 Happiest Cities” (Madison, Wisconsin? Seriously?)
  • “Raquel Welch: Beyond the Cleavage” (Holy crap.) 
  • “9 Exciting Winter Salads” (“Exciting” and “salads” don’t belong in the same sentence.) 
  • “Bean Soups Can Keep You Warm” (Only if you pour them on your lap.) 
  • “Drugs That Cause Leg Cramps” (Next: Emails that cause migraines.) 
  • “Dips You Can Feel Good About” (I never met a dip I didn’t love.) 
  • “How To Avoid First Date Disasters” (Easy answer: Just stay home with a battery-powered toy.) 
  • “Do You Have Pre-Diabetes?” (Nice try, but I already have REAL diabetes.)
The Howdygram is thrilled to report that a proposed referendum to allow casino gambling in Texas is beginning to pick up steam. According to State Senator John Carona, big casinos, race tracks and Native American groups have agreed to support his constitutional amendment allowing 21 casinos across the state and development of a Texas gaming commission. He says Texans currently spend more than $3 billion every year at casinos in Louisiana, Arkansas and Oklahoma, so why not keep all that dough right here in the Lone Star State to create jobs and revenue. Do you know what this means? PENNY SLOTS AND SUGAR-FREE PIE CLOSER TO HOME! Glorioski!

I just ordered a nice big dinner from China City, although I’ll bet you’re not as excited about this as I am. (It’s okay. I won’t be upset.)

I’ve always been a fan of heart-pounding Auntie Em weather.

While Sam is at Wal-Mart shopping for a short list of Monday morning essentials — i.e., Coke Zero, feta cheese, turkey for sandwiches and a sack of shredded cabbage — I’ve been in the kitchen baking a speedy loaf of low-carb bread. For the record, this is actually an amazing packaged mix from Netrition.com that bakes in 85 minutes in the bread machine and only has 18 carbs in the ENTIRE LOAF. That’s fewer carbs than one stinking slice of Sam’s favorite store-bought bread! Holy crap, right?

I also plan to make myself a nice big bowl of egg salad for lunch. I love egg salad, and there’s nothing better than egg salad with a hunk of fresh bread and a William Powell movie on the side. Also a few pickles.

My favorite hall lamp died Saturday night after a year-long battle with whatever deadly disease can befall an inexpensive light fixture. Basically the silly thing just won’t turn on any more even with a new bulb, so a few minutes ago I ordered us a nice $15 replacement, pictured below, from Wal-Mart’s website. There’s no need to apologize if you can’t get excited about this. (I’m not too excited about it, either.)
Looks like some heavy weather is forecast for the Dallas area tomorrow and Wednesday, a huge potential tornado hoo-hah involving warm air heading north from the Gulf of Mexico. While I’ve always been a fan of heart-pounding Auntie Em weather, I hope it’s not quite as intense as the hoo-hah we had one year ago with 17 twisters on the same day. Stay tuned for updates, okay? Thank you.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

The “Chicken Not” verdict is in.

It’s been a peculiar Sunday around here with both of us on opposite schedules. Sam’s awake when I’m asleep, I’m awake when Sam’s asleep. And on and on. But somehow we figured out how to eat dinner at the same time and even watched White Cargo (1942), an unintentionally hilarious film set on a rubber plantation in 1910 Africa starring Walter Pidgeon and unforgettable Hedy Lamarr as a half-breed named Tondelayo. Oy, who could ever forget Tondelayo?!
As promised, here’s my review of Chicken Not, the freeze-dried texturized soy protein meat replacement mentioned in a previous post. When thrown into a pot of soup and rehydrated, Chicken Not is simultaneously soggy, chewy and virtually tasteless with a texture like a latex sponge. The only positive: it looks like chicken, which would be acceptable in the event you only want to stare at your soup but not actually EAT it. From now on the official favorite meal at Howdygram headquarters is pickles & low-carb biscuits, period.

Thank you for reading this. I mean it.