Fred Astaire and Beanit Butter are bedtime favorites.

In this post: Hilarious menu parodies, Jon Stewart nails it.

On “The Daily Show” last night Jon Stewart lampooned the 26 states — all with Republican governors or legislatures — that have refused free Federal dollars to expand their Medicaid programs and provide health care coverage to millions of America’s working poor. Here’s a YouTube video of his monologue. (I love this guy. I’m serious.)

This has been a night of frightening food cravings.

That movie I watched last night — Sincerely Yours (1955) starring Liberace and Dorothy Malone — was FABULOUS. Maybe I’m just a sucker for Liberace, but I’ve always thought he was hilarious, genuine and entertaining as hell. I saw him in concert at the Las Vegas Hilton in 1980, back when he dressed in pink fox fur and arrived on stage in a glittered Rolls Royce. Here’s a clip of Liberace from Sincerely Yours for your possible interest. (He was still pretending to be “straight” in those days.)

This has been a night of frightening food cravings. My dinner, which lasted almost two hours, included (in this exact order): 1) hot & sour soup; 2) chia seed pudding; 3) jalapeño shrimp from China City; and 4) Beanit Butter and apricot jelly on low-carb toast smothered with Splenda. I’ll consider it a miracle if I’m not throwing up by midnight.

WTF? George Zimmerman was found NOT GUILTY. American justice is insane.

I don’t think I can write any more tonight. My head hurts, my feet hurt, I’m having a spasm in my left hand and I think I need to watch something funny on TV. Maybe White Cargo (1942), a hilarious drama about hateful men working at a sweaty African rubber plantation at the turn of the 20th century starring Walter Pidgeon, Richard Carlson and — last but not least — Hedy Lamarr as a spray-painted, sex-starved native tart named Tondelayo. Cinema at its finest.

We’re expecting a lot of weather over the next few days! Apparently there’s a dumbass storm front moving across the United States in the wrong direction — i.e., east to west — that’s expected to bring thunderstorms and heavy rain to the Dallas area. Glorioski, people ... rain in Texas! The stormy crap is expected to start Sunday (along with much cooler temperatures) and continue through the end of the week. A screen shot of our forecast from Weather.com appears below in case you think I’m making this up.

Thanks for stopping by. Don’t forget to turn out the lights when you’re done here, okay?

Yee-haw for the progressive women of Texas!

Hi, people! Sam expects to be at the office all night with a group of in-house clients, so here I am, horsing around with the Howdygram and pondering my next meal. Something involving Beanit Butter is a distinct possibility. But first, a post.

Let’s begin with a gigantic YEE-HAW for the progressive women of Texas who rallied today in Austin, protesting Rick Perry’s 19th century anti-abortion regulations that would shut down safe and legal women’s clinics throughout the state. Check out these crowds ... and a close-up of my favorite sign!

In case you’re wondering, on July 9 the Texas Senate will try again to pass Perry’s anti-abortion horseshit. If I didn’t have so many mobility issues — i.e., crappy feet, crappy knees and diabetic neuropathy — I’d volunteer to be first in line for the festivities at the state capitol. This is like the 1960s all over again, except I don’t have any classes tomorrow!  

I’m having issues tonight with my blog software, such as annoying error messages and a “preview” feature that isn’t working. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to publish my post when I’m finally through writing it. In a word, this STINKS. I reported the problem to the Blogger user network but haven’t heard back from anybody. I’ll bet they’re all watching TV.

Actually, TV sounds like a pretty good idea right about now because I’ve got some fine films stored on our DVR. These include: Broadway Melody of 1936 starring Robert Taylor and Eleanor Powell, Rebecca (1940) starring Joan Fontaine and Laurence Olivier, Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter (1957) starring Tony Randall and Jayne Mansfield and That Touch of Mink (1962) starring Doris Day and Cary Grant. All fantastic movies, am I right?

Thanks for stopping by. I have to try and publish this post now.

Hey. Check out crotchety old Basil Rathbone.

Ah, Thursday. I’ve had an interesting day with no productive activities whatsoever other than: 1) eating things; 2) sleeping; 3) watching the first 30 minutes of a lousy movie; and 4) redesigning my Ovation Creative website, probably for the last time ever because I’m practically retired. Explanations follow for items one and three.

Item one explained. Dinner, in particular, was INCREDIBLE today. I had slabs of cold leftover meatloaf with Guy’s sugar-free barbecue sauce on low-carb toast and some homemade coleslaw with zero-calorie Walden Farms coleslaw dressing. This was so damn good I almost considered another helping but I didn’t want my stomach to explode, especially since I’m home alone and there’s nobody here but me to mop up afterwards. I love my homemade meatloaf with coleslaw even better than pickles & biscuits, and it’s my new favorite meal right after Schwan’s pot roast. (Schwan’s pot roast is amazing.)

Item three explained. Tonight’s lousy movie was The Magic Sword (1962) starring crotchety old Basil Rathbone as the evil sorcerer Lodac with a strange supporting cast that’s half comic and half horror, like the bastard child of “Bewitched” and “Dracula.”

The acting is hammy and the script really sucks, but there’s so much hilarious crap going on that I decided not to watch it all the way through until Sam gets home from California, because this is Sam’s favorite kind of dreck-fest and we’re both Basil Rathbone fans.

Speaking of Sam ... here he is, doing the famous “Sam wave” yesterday with his mom at the Getty Villa museum. If they look unreasonably happy it’s probably because they had waffles for breakfast at Norm’s coffee shop. They love Norm’s.

In case you’re interested, I’m making Five-Minute Stupid Soup and Beanit Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies tomorrow if you’d like to come for lunch. Let me know, okay?

I’m surprised that I’m not barfing right now.

Due to a semi-scary lack of appetite for the last couple of days I’ve been forcing myself to eat peculiar little meals at meaningless intervals in an effort to keep my blood sugar at an even keel. During the past three hours I’ve consumed all of the following, listed here in no particular order whatsoever: 1) one dozen stuffed green olives; 2) a lot of Beanit Butter sprinkled with a lot of Splenda; 3) a teeny can of Chinese braised gluten; 4) two leftover low-carb biscuits nuked for 20 seconds so the butter will melt; 5) one Slim Jim; 6) Tylenol; and 7) three Kraft American singles. I don’t think I’m feeling very well, and looking at this picture definitely doesn’t help. I’m surprised that I’m not barfing right now. Seriously.

Sam’s Aunt Adie sent the following photo today from Burbank, California, where a crowd of happy relatives attended Anna’s ballet recital. Pictured below in the front row from left to right: Lisa, Anna, Belle (Sam’s mother) and David (Sam’s brother). Sam is crouching in the back because he’s at least a foot taller than everybody else on earth. Are these people adorable, or what?

To help battle the crushing boredom while Sam’s out of town all week I’ve decided to redesign my Ovation Creative website even though I’m 98% retired now and doubt that anybody really gives a crap about this. I’ll be working on a new logo and maybe a new color palette. I also plan to horse around with my Cuisinart Speed Stick immersion blender, read my new Ronald Colman biography and make a nice big meatloaf. I love my life.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly anywhere again unless somebody invents a sectional sofa with wings.

Sam got home from work this morning at 5 a.m. I always have trouble sleeping well when he’s gone all night like that and keep opening my eyes to look at the clock on the nightstand. And what’s worse, Sam left here yesterday at 1:15 in the afternoon … that’s a 14½-hour work day! I’d like to beat the crap out of somebody but I can’t figure out who.

And so here we sit, Sam and me, both of us barely conscious from insufficient sleep, thinking whether we should eat lunch (it’s 11:30) or try taking a nap. I vote for the nap, to tell you the truth. Naps are GOOD. I’ll finish posting afterwards. Please stand by.

Believe it or not, there was a five-hour lapse after composing the second paragraph of this post. I just woke up. Shortly after noon I slipped into an immediate post-food coma on the chaise in the family room and don’t even remember Sam leaving for work. It’s presently 4:35 p.m. That’s one hell of a nap even for ME ... and I’m a charter member of the Olympic napping squad!

To clear the cobwebs from my head I just placed a lovely order with Netrition.com, which includes all of the following:

• Jok-n-Al fruit spreads (plum, blueberry and pineapple)
• An exceptionally large quantity of CarbQuik (i.e., two three-pound boxes)
• Sea Tangle Kelp Noodles
• Beanit Butter
• Walden Farms coleslaw dressing
• Walden Farms Asian dressing
• Walden Farms strawberry syrup
• Soy Slender chocolate soy milk
• SweetLeaf Liquid Stevia in two flavors (chocolate raspberry and apricot nectar)

In case you’re wondering, I order practically all of my grocery products — with certain exceptions, obviously, such as frozen crap, fresh vegetables, Loma Linda fake meat in a can and cream cheese — online from Netrition because I don’t have the stamina, balance or motivation to shlep through supermarkets any more and therefore have no idea if any of these products are available locally. I also don’t like to annoy Sam with complex grocery lists or trips to multiple markets. First-time products in this Netrition order include the zero-carb kelp noodles, Walden Farms no-calorie strawberry syrup (reviewers say it’s swell in a smoothie) and Walden Farms no-calorie Asian dressing. The latter will douse the aforementioned zero-carb kelp noodles and be consumed cold like a salad with a few nice shrimp and a fork. Oh boy! And I mean this most sincerely.

For the last half-hour I’ve been receiving emails from my cousin Bobby with photos of his oldest son’s wedding in California earlier this month. Here, for your possible interest, is a group shot of my favorite cousins posing together at Gideon and Kimi’s big event and looking mighty damn wonderful. I haven’t seen them in an awfully long time. And yes, obviously, we’re all senior citizens now. Oy.

And here are the bride and groom. After seeing these pictures I’m really sorry that Sam and I couldn’t make it to their wedding. Frankly it’s tough to accept that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly anywhere again unless somebody invents a sectional sofa with wings.

There’s still time to tune in for tonight’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn” on TruTV, which the Howdygram heartily recommends for your viewing pleasure. This is one of our favorite reality shows because there’s nothing quite as entertaining as ghetto maniacs being dragged out of a pawn shop by 350-pound bouncers. Thank you for reading this.

Sam welcomes the Obamas to Dallas.

There’s a huge hoo-hah tonight in Dallas because all of our former presidents are flying into town for the George W. Bush Presidential Center dedication tomorrow. Sam called me during his dinner break tonight at work and said swarms of Secret Service, police cars and big black Suburbans were streaming into the Crescent Hotel across the courtyard from his office. The Obamas are staying overnight at the Omni, so the big show at the Crescent had to be for the Carters or the Clintons. Is this exciting, or what?

In case you’re wondering, I didn’t forget. In an earlier post I promised to write a review of Schwan’s pre-cooked, pre-cubed chicken whatnots, and here it is. In a word: I’M NOT IMPRESSED. (Okay, fine. That’s three words.)

These little wads of white meat chicken are very attractive and convenient as hell, but there are a couple of major negatives: 1) they’ve got the texture of a poached mousepad; and 2) they’re insanely overpriced to the tune of $13.11 for 1½ pounds. That last point is especially important when you consider Schwan’s sells a five-pound sack of really beautiful individually-frozen boneless chicken boobies for only three bucks more. Thank you.

When Sam finally gets home from work tonight — hopefully by midnight — we’re going watch Artists and Models (1955) starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, which I recorded a few hours ago on the Retro movie channel.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Artists and Models, believe it or not, because nobody ever shows the old Martin and Lewis comedies on TV ... and I don’t know why! A couple of days ago Sam and I watched Martin and Lewis in The Stooge (1953) and it was HILARIOUS. Nobody does comedy like Jerry Lewis. I adore this guy.

Without a doubt, though, one of my favorite Jerry Lewis shticks is from The Patsy (1964) when he’s in a studio recording “I Lost My Heart in a Drive-In Movie” with three backup singers.

I guess that’s about it for tonight, people. Sam’s on his way home (he just called) and I’m craving pickles, Beanit Butter and chocolate Soy Slender soy milk. For the record, my taste buds are definitely NOT aging very well.

Thank you for reading this.

Try my Beanit Butter chocolate chip cookies.

As promised ... here’s my fantastic no-brainer cookie recipe for low-carb dieters and diabetics. Each of these little puppies has less than one gram of carbohydrates. Whoa! Specifics about some of the ingredients appear at the end.

• 1 cup powdered Sensato erythritol sweetener
• ½ teaspoon EZ Sweetz (liquid Splenda)
• 1 cup CarbQuik
• ½ cup Beanit Butter
• ¼ cup softened butter 
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2 large eggs
• handful of Nevada Manna sugar-free chocolate chips

Preheat your oven to 350°. Combine both sweeteners, Beanit Butter, butter, vanilla and eggs and smoosh up until well mixed. Add the CarbQuik and chocolate chips and continue stirring until a thick dough forms. Drop by cookie scoop or tablespoonfuls onto a nonstick cookie sheet two inches apart. Roll each scoop into a cute little ball and then press down slightly to flatten. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes until light golden brown. You’ll get 15 to 18 nice-size cookies from this recipe, and they’re REALLY GOOD.

The exotic ingredients are all from Netrition.com. These include: 1) CarbQuik (a low-carb Bisquick knockoff); 2) Beanit Butter; 3) powdered Sensato erythritol sweetener; 4) EZ Sweetz; and 5) Nevada Manna sugar-free chocolate chips. I can’t live without this wonderful crap and I don’t ever want to try. Pass the insulin. Thank you.

Don’t miss the Cotton Bowl’s annual dog park and poop-a-thon.

Yo, and happy Friday! I wasn’t sure whether or not to write a Howdygram post tonight because I haven’t got very much to say. That’s never really stopped me before, though, so here I am. My first order of business will be a discussion of Beanit Butter cookies, which I made before Sam got home from work last night.

Beanit Butter is a peanut butter knockoff made from roasted soybeans. It has no carbs, no sugar, tons of fiber, protein and Omega 3 fatty acids, and it tastes so much like regular peanut butter you can eat it out of the jar with a soup spoon and never know the difference. Each cookie contains only one carb, and for diabetics like me they’re a MIRACLE. I’ll try to post the recipe over the weekend. In the meantime I’ll be glad to email it to you if you don’t think you can wait that long. (Click here.)

There’s lots of breaking news tonight in Texas! Our top stories include: 1) the Dallas Mavericks’ Dirk Nowitzki grew a beard; 2) the Texas legislature has proclaimed pecan pie as our Official State Pie; 3) the lowest gas prices in town are at the Valero station on Northwest Drive in Mesquite; 4) the Cotton Bowl will turn into the world’s largest dog park and pooch fair on Sunday featuring poop-a-thons, vendors, mutt adoptions and cheapo vaccines; and 5) the Keenan Cemetery in Farmers Branch is offering family-friendly guided tours and horse-drawn hearse rides for only $5 per person. Kids under six are free.

In case you’re interested, the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) the Valero station on Northwest Drive.

I’ve got just about enough time to grab a shower and eat a couple of cookies before Sam gets home from work. Thank you for stopping by!

I really like money.

My head was definitely in a very weird place yesterday, as evidenced by the Howdygram post about blowing my brains out (click here). Holy crap, people. See what happens when you’re exhausted, unwell, crabby and battling food poisoning? I was ready to dump a lucrative client project, close my business, flush my phone down the toilet and hide under a rock! So ... after spending a little time this afternoon scrutinizing the aforementioned project I realize that I may have overreacted and decided to provide a quote for labor.

I will follow Sam’s advice, however, and charge this dude a fortune. Fair is fair. Every hour I spend redesigning his website is one less hour I’ve got for Melvyn Douglas movies and “People’s Court.” Also, I really like money.

From our Avoid It Like the Plague department comes the Howdygram’s official product review of Walden Farms Tomato & Basil Pasta Sauce, which is certifiably the most disgusting crap I’ve ever had in my mouth. I tried a dollop today for lunch with my Schwan’s mozzarella sticks and couldn’t swallow the first bite.

Like all Walden Farms products, their pasta sauce contains no fat, no sugar, no carbs, no protein, no calories and no “real food.” Its ingredients include xanthan gum (for texture), a mountain of liquid Splenda and an untold array of mystery ingredients, one of which has to be anise because I detected a strong (and thoroughly nauseating) licorice flavor profile. Also celery seed, crankcase oil, mucilage, fertilizer and lighter fluid. I’m actually being kind.

In other food news, I just finished hard-boiling a dozen very nice jumbo eggs. This, in and of itself, is really no large deal whatsoever, except that it’s my plan tonight to make a gigantic tub of egg salad, another loaf of low-carb bread and a batch of Beanit Butter cookies with sugar-free chocolate chips. Once again Sam won’t be home from work until 5 a.m. so I’ll fill my free time with “Project Runway,” injecting insulin and eating things. Let me know if you want to come over. Thank you very much.

The hills are alive with the sound of manhunts.

I’m having a mighty weird afternoon, unwittingly surrounded by murderers and fugitives while I wait for thunderstorms to roll in. There are two converging stories of horror that I’ll describe for you now in detail ... whether you give a crap or not.

SCARY STORY NUMBER ONE. It is suspected that the Aryan Brotherhood of Texas, a popular white supremacist welcome wagon gang of prison thugs, has been assassinating the district attorneys in neighboring Kaufman County. And when I say “neighboring,” I’m not joking about this. Kaufman County adjoins the town of Mesquite about five miles south of Howdygram headquarters. The first victim was Assistant D.A. Mark Hasse, who was shot dead on January 31 in the middle of the town square. On Saturday, exactly two months later, District Attorney Mike McLelland and his wife were murdered at home in Forney. Both men had been prosecuting the Aryan Brotherhood’s leadership. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and 2) site of the McLelland hoo-hah in Forney.

SCARY STORY NUMBER TWO. A pair of dangerous criminals, one awaiting trial for capital murder, escaped this morning in their underwear from a jail in Sulphur Springs, Texas. The murder suspect, 44-year-old Brian Allen Tucker (pictured at right), was believed headed for his last known address in Mesquite’s Casa View Heights neighborhood, which is maybe five minutes from where I’m sitting as I write this post. Tucker is accused of strangling a 63-year-old man with shoelaces and stealing his musical instruments in May 2011. (Oy. He’s a music lover?) At present Texas law enforcement officials from three counties are searching for Tucker with helicopters, dogs, walkie-talkies and secret decoder rings. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the Casa View Heights subdivision; and C) our favorite Denny’s restaurant, which technically has nothing whatsoever to do with this story.

Trust me, my doors are bolted tonight. The only visitor I’m expecting is a FedEx delivery dude with two shipments from Wal-Mart, which include: 1) assorted toiletries; 2) two rolls of parchment paper so I’ll never burn another batch of Beanit Butter cookies; and 3) a two-gallon “sharps” container for my used insulin syringes. Do I have a great life, or what?

It’s almost 7:30 p.m. and high time to start thinking about what I want for dinner. Unfortunately, I’m not very motivated and don’t really feel too much like eating anything, which means this could be the perfect night for low-carb bread with pickles, Slim Jims and sugar-free chocolate soy milk! There’s more than enough for company if you’d like to join me. Thank you.

Mazel tov to Wayne LaPierre, the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week.

Forgive me. I skipped two days posting for the Howdygram and I am without excuse. I have, however, been distracted by a number of pressing issues, which include: 1) a design conundrum related to a new client’s website; 2) an ongoing lack of sleep; 3) a few too many swell Tyrone Power movies on TCM; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. I’ve also been eating a lot of Beanit Butter cookies.

Regarding item 3, these were The Eddy Duchin Story, The Mark of Zorro and Witness for the Prosecution. Too bad TCM didn’t show The Luck of the Irish for St. Patrick’s Day; it’s one of Tyrone’s best. (If TCM asks me to help with their programming schedule next year I’ll have to mention this.)

And now for our latest Putz of the Week award! This time we’re honoring Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association and death merchant extraordinaire.

LaPierre’s current claim to fame is a new Republican policy solution for rape, announced at last week’s Conservative Political Action Conference: arm all women with guns. LaPierre said, “The one thing a violent rapist deserves is to face a good woman with a gun!”

The right-wing’s view of violence against women is already clear. They’re the party of old white men spouting crap about “legitimate rape” but can barely acknowledge that rape even exists. They pass laws to force non-consensual wanding of pregnant women’s vaginas, rail against abortion and force victims to bear their rapists’ babies. And now the ultimate in absurd extremism ... extending their repulsive gun culture to pretend they’re my friend and the enemy of sexual violence.

This is just what America’s gun-obsessed society needs, isn’t it? MORE WEAPONS. This will prevent rape how? You’d have to assume that the potential victim: 1) is not physically injured or drugged; 2) is not acquainted with or emotionally tied to her attacker; 3) had the foresight and money to buy and license a gun in advance of her attack; 4) has a window of opportunity in a split second of terror to reach for her gun, pull the trigger and shoot accurately; and 5) is lucky enough to not have the gun yanked out of her hand and used to kill her. Worse yet, have you seen what happens to a woman in court for defending herself with a deadly weapon? Most of the time she’s portrayed as deranged tramp who over-reacted. It’s just SEX, lady, what’s the big deal? You were wearing shorts and a tank top, what did you expect? Did you really have to KILL him?

Wow, what a tirade. I need a nice plate of pickles and biscuits for dinner.

On another subject altogether, I’ve got a service technician coming on Monday to calibrate my GE stove because all of a sudden the oven’s a little too hot. For example, there’s no good reason why frozen mozzarella sticks should start melting in nine minutes when they’re supposed to bake in 12, and yesterday our wonderful little Schwan’s Krunchie Potato Wedges turned out like plywood. Holy crap.

From our Awkward Athletes in Love department comes breaking news that Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn are dating. The announcement was punctuated last week by professional portraits “leaked” to the world via Tiger’s Facebook page, in which he and Vonn are clearly smiling but never actually touching each other. To me they look more like brother and sister or strangers at a bar mitzvah. WTF?

In case you’re interested, Cindi’s New York Deli is Dallas’ most popular Jewish delicatessen even though it’s actually an overpriced and watered-down effort by a Vietnamese entrepreneur named Anh Vo — who obviously learned to make matzo balls from her bubbe in Hanoi — and whose head chef is a black dude named Jerry, both pictured below. Yesterday on CBS’ local Dallas website Jerry was generous enough to post his “two favorite Passover recipes” … Potato Kugel and Charoset, those beloved African-American standards. I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. Oy, only in Texas, people.

I have to eat something now. Thank you for reading this!

Katya and her illiterate prose don’t interest me on a number of different levels.

I baked Beanit Butter cookies today. Although I’m not really the “Aunt Bee” type any more, when you’re an insulin-dependent diabetic you eventually figure out the only way to get your hands on a genuine low-carb dessert is to make it yourself. Which explains the Beanit Butter cookies and why there are currently 28 of them cooling on trays in the kitchen. The smell is driving me INSANE. (Or as my father used to say, “That’s not a drive … it’s a short putt.”) Since it’s pretty clear that I must be starving right now, dinner will commence at Howdygram headquarters in 15 minutes. Tonight’s elevated gourmet menu includes gefilte fish, horseradish, one Slim Jim, the last remaining wedge of homemade low-carb bread and a large quantity of the aforementioned cookies with a vanilla soy milk chaser. I’d be glad to set a place for you at the table if you want to come over. We can watch tonight’s episode of “Dallas” together.

I received a comical email today — obviously spam — from a bogus Russian girl looking for her soul mate. Apparently she thinks I’m a man named Marcy desperate enough to be swayed by the following stab at illiterate prose:

Hello my name is Katya, I am from small city in center of Russia. I am 24 years. I am very friendly and romantic person. I saw your structure and decided to do record in you as I search for the friend on the Internets. I want to have serious relationship and true. My dream is search for the man which will appreciate me and to respect. I like to acquaint with unknown people. I like to spend my free time on the nature. There are a real beautiful places near my town! All my friend say that I cherful. I hope soon to see the message!

Obviously Katya doesn’t interest me on a number of different levels, the most obvious being I’m a happily-married female heterosexual who’s practically old enough to be her grandmother, but if any of this sounds good to you please let me know and I’ll be glad to provide her email address. Incidentally, you have my sympathy.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I need servants.

Life sure can suck sometimes. I woke up half an hour ago with congestion and an irritating, raspy cough ... something I haven’t experienced since I quit smoking a couple of centuries ago. (I might be kidding about this. It’s more like six years.) I’ll bet my voice is sounding deeper, too, but it’s hard to know for sure because Sam is still asleep and there’s nobody around to talk to so I’ll have to get back to you on this. In the meantime I shlepped into the kitchen to make tea but couldn’t find any tea bags, so I made a huge mug of instant coffee instead and then spilled half of it all over the kitchen counter.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I need SERVANTS.

Any exciting activities on your agenda this week? Mine will be jam-packed with projects that include laundry, making Beanit Butter cookies, printing and assembling my new teeny recipe binder, eating things, plus all of the following deliveries:

1. A two-pound breast of smoked turkey from FoodyDirect.com.
2. Teeny sheet protectors and teeny tabs from Staples.com for the aforementioned teeny recipe binder. (It’s 8½" x 5½".)
3. Cans of beef textured vegetable protein and whole egg powder from Shelf Reliance. I absolutely LOVE this crap!
4. A set of ivory microfiber sheets from Wal-Mart. Seriously, people, there’s nowhere else on earth you can buy nice king-size sheets for $22.97 except possibly Angola.
5. Slim Jims, Miracle Rice, six cartons of chicken stock, Fixodent and a couple of twin-pack refill thingies for my Febreze Noticeables electric air fresheners ... all on subscription from Amazon.

I just looked at Weather.com and apparently there’s some seriously crappy winter weather underway right now in Chicago and all over the Great Lakes, such as snow, wind and freezing rain. This is one more reason why I love Texas! Winter here lasts about 10 days at the beginning of January and rarely, if ever, includes snow. This week Howdygram headquarters is expecting steady temperatures around 70° with a 40% chance of rain on Tuesday and there’s nothing whatsoever to shovel unless we’re discussing manure.

Thanks for stopping by. I think I’ll try going back to bed for a while.

To cheer myself up I stayed home and ate Beanit Butter and Slim Jims.

Inquiring minds want to know … how did you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day? The Howdygram hosted its annual ritual, which included: 1) a brand new bar of Irish Spring in the shower; and 2) watching The Quiet Man on TCM. This was the extent of our observance owing to the fact that we’re Jewish and don’t really give a crap.

As I write this post Sam is unconscious in the family room with The Prisoner of Zenda on TV. Actually, it’s the silent version from 1922 starring Lewis Stone and a bunch of people I’ve never heard of except for Ramon Novarro in the role of Rupert. Personally, I prefer the 1937 version with Ronald Colman, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. and David Niven.

I’m seriously hoping I can get some sleep tonight. And in bed for a change. Last night I mostly slept on the chaise in the family room because I had neuropathy pain in both feet and couldn’t get comfortable under a blanket. Technically, though, I’ve got a double whammy going on with electric shocks on the sides and tops of my feet plus plantar fasciitis in both heels, so when Sam asked if I wanted to go for a nice drive yesterday afternoon I had to turn him down because I didn’t want to wear shoes!

To cheer myself up I stayed home and ate Beanit Butter and Slim Jims. Holy crap... IT WORKED! Thank you for reading this.

The Howdygram is officially 15 pixels wider today.

I’m just full of excuses lately. I didn’t make time to write a Howdygram post yesterday because my world was jam-packed with other important projects. These included eating lunch, thinking about laundry, finishing up two client projects and placing my biggest order EVER with Netrition.com for more than $200 worth of incredible low-carb crapola. In my cart were: 1) Soy Slender soy chocolate milk; 2) unsweetened Almond Breeze almond milk; 3) three jars of Carb Not Beanit Butter; 4) Carb Counters pancake mix; 5) MimicCreme Almond & Cashew Cream; 6) Thick’n Saucy for making sludgy soup; 7) erythritol powdered sweetener; 8) a three-pound box of CarbQuik because I can’t live without my low-carb biscuits; 9) Atkins snack bars; 10) four packages of white bread mix; 11) Just the Cheese chips and “popped cheese” (seriously) in assorted awesome flavors like pizza, barbecue and jalapeño; 12) LorAnn blackberry and lemon custard milk shake flavorings; 13) four jars of Bella Vita pasta sauce; 14) a tin of Ghiradelli unsweetened cocoa; and 15) various Walden Farms zero-calorie whatnots, such as fruit spreads, pancake syrup and marshmallow dip. Oy! A number of the aforementioned products have agreed to pose for the group photo posted below.

Quite a few of these products are listed and described on the Howdygram’s Shop for My Favorite Crapola page; others will get there eventually once I’ve had a chance to try them. This time I’m especially excited about MimicCreme (no fat! no carbs!) and Walden Farms Marshmallow Dip (no calories!). Since words really can’t do these products justice I’ll simply scream GLORIOSKI and move on.

Before I forget, below are my latest new font acquisitions, all of them free. Enjoy.

Please let me know if you ever flip for any fonts posted on the Howdygram and I’ll be glad to email copies to you. I may be addicted but I’m always willing to share! Many of them include lots of different styles and weights such as light, book, medium, semi-bold, bold, black, italics and so on. My general belief has always been that a girl can never have too many fonts, shoes or low-carb biscuits.

And now for the latest breaking news from our God Bless Texas department! The long-awaited George W. Bush Presidential Center on the campus of Southern Methodist University here in Dallas will be christened at a private ceremony on April 25. Dubya and Laura will be in attendance along with assorted losers from the Bush/Cheney administration. The Center includes a comic book library, museum, rose garden and a “think tank,” the latter of which is pictured below.

The Center’s website has posted the following statement: “With world leaders invited to join President and Mrs. Bush for this historic day, the event is expected to enjoy internationally-televised coverage.” Yup. Along with a few thousand protesters from a coalition of human rights organizations called “The People’s Response” (see below), who will be on hand to make a huge hoo-hah about the Bush administration’s policies and a belated demand for a war crimes trial. Many also have been fighting the location of the Bush Center at SMU since the very beginning because it “casts a veneer of legitimacy” on policies that run opposite to the university’s teachings and philosophy, such as torture, the invasion of a sovereign nation (Iraq) and crushing stupidity. Protests will include teach-ins, art, speakers and a dance party for peace. Rock on, Dallas!

On a more somber note, our regular Schwan’s delivery doofus, Gary, was involved in a work-related truck accident last week and BROKE HIS BACK. Apparently the situation is fixable (i.e., he’s not paralyzed) but please hold a good thought for him, okay? We’re hoping Gary will be back on the job shlepping frozen food as soon as possible. Our order yesterday was delivered by a friendly substitute doofus named Mark.

Sam has a follow-up appointment this morning with his retina specialist, Dr. Choi. You may recall that Sam had surgery on February 22 to repair a “macular pucker” (see previous post) behind the retina in his right eye. I suppose his recovery has been fine, although he still can’t see very well and says there’s a bubble of water rattling around in there. Holy crap.

In case you care, the main column of the Howdygram is officially 15 pixels wider today to bring you even more of the horseshit you’ve come to know and love. I have no idea why I did it or, more importantly, why I felt compelled to report it. Thank you for reading this.

Welcome to my world.

Holy crap. My knees are absolutely KILLING me, people! I don’t know how I dragged myself out of bed this morning except my tub of arthritis-strength Tylenol was in another room so I didn’t have much choice. I went back to sleep for a couple of hours afterwards but still feel pretty lousy and I’m stiff as a board. This includes my knees, elbows, shoulders, fingers, but I think that’s all because my toes don’t hurt. (My toes are technically numb due to diabetic neuropathy, but that’s a topic for another whine list.)

All of this pain is clearly related to the fact that I’ve been under the weather for the last few days, which also might explain why I haven’t been motivated to write a Howdygram post since Saturday. My symptoms include a strangely hypothermic “un-fever” under 96° with chills and body aches, a floater in my right eye, a huge lump on the knuckle of my right thumb and a craving for a lot of cheese. You know it has to be serious when you get up in the middle of the night and order a two-pound brick of imitation Velveeta from Wal-Mart. I checked with WebMD.com but apparently the medical profession doesn’t give a crap about cheese, floaters and thumb lumps. Welcome to my world.

OMG, I just fell in love with Amazon.com all over again. I’m using “one-click ordering” now and it’s so fast it could give you a freaking nosebleed. You go straight from the product page to “thank you for your order” ... NO MORE SHOPPING CART! This means I can order mountains of crap even when Sam is in the room and he’ll have no clue what I’m doing! I just purchased four 45-oz. jars of Chunky Ragu for $18.09, which Sam enjoys with his favorite Schwan’s mozzarella sticks. This will provide enough Ragu to last through Thanksgiving.

And now for an essential product review! I’m pleased to introduce you to Carb Not Beanit Butter, a peanut butter knockoff made from roasted soybeans that’s so damn good you can eat it plain with a soup spoon. I received my first jar from Netrition.com a few days ago and I’ve been blown away. It tastes exactly like peanut butter except it has NO SUGAR, ZERO CARBS and FIVE GRAMS OF FIBER per serving! I’m a deliriously happy diabetic!

If my knees hold up I want to make a batch of Emergency Beanit Butter Cookies this afternoon and eat the entire tray for dinner with half a quart of vanilla Soy Slender, a couple of Slim Jims and a nice green vegetable. My cookie recipe follows in case you’re interested.

• 1 cup Beanit Butter
• 1⅓ cups granulated Splenda with fiber
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla

Preheat oven to 375°. Moosh everything together in a bowl until it comes together into a perfect soft ball. Pull off small chunks to roll into smaller balls. Flatten them in both directions with the tines of a fork dipped in Splenda and bake for 8 to 10 minutes.

God bless Beanit Butter and thank you for reading this.

Slim Jims and Beanit Butter ... the breakfast of champions!

I have to perfectly honest here. I started taking my new Co Q-10 supplement yesterday at lunchtime but so far I don’t feel any difference whatsoever. I’m just saying.

My latest acquisition of healthy new products for the Howdygram test kitchen includes: 1) WestSoy vanilla and chocolate soy milk sweetened with Splenda; 2) a great big box of tasty little Slim Jims in a display exactly like the kind that’s next to the register at 7 Eleven; 3) Carb Not Beanit Butter, a no-carb peanut butter knockoff made from soy that gets really swell reviews online; and 4) almond flour, which works just like ordinary white flour except it doesn’t have any carbs. It’s also expensive.

Please stop laughing about item 2. I’ve loved these dumb things since my college years and appreciate the opportunity to buy large quantities cheap from Amazon.com. Life just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?

In case you’ve forgotten, Sam is having surgery on his right eyeball Friday morning to correct a “macular pucker” behind his retina, a condition discovered a couple of weeks ago during a routine eye exam. We’ve been instructed to arrive at the surgery center by 7 a.m., for which I only have a two-word response: HOLY CRAP. That’s at least two hours earlier than I normally get out of bed and four hours earlier than I usually leave the house! The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) the Greenville Surgery Center in Dallas. If all goes according to plan we should be home by noon but I’ve decided to pack a cheese sandwich just in case.

Here are my most recent font acquisitions for your possible interest. My favorites are Oregano, Playfair and Clicker Script.

And now, at last, it’s time to hit the sack, mostly because my Marcytini is empty and there’s not much else to say at 2:30 in the morning. Thank you for reading this!