Celebrating Sunday. Thunderstorms, baloney and great crap on TV.

In this post: Blackouts, baloney, thunderstorms, a train wreck.

It’s 4:30 in the morning and Sam and I woke up about an hour ago. This is what happens when a person takes too many naps! In my case, though, it resulted from a huge hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) crisis at lunch-time yesterday when I practically blacked out followed by such overwhelming fatigue that I slept on the chaise for SIX HOURS. By the time I woke up — around 6 p.m., I think — the whole day was shot to hell.

Lost and found. At last.

Breaking news from Howdygram headquarters: WE FOUND THEM! We finally found Sam’s BLACK STRETCHY PANTS that went missing in February 2011 (see original post)! They were stuffed on a hard-to-see shelf in our walk-in closet behind a row of dress shirts. Holy crap, people, this was like STRIKING GOLD. We’d been looking for these stupid things off and on for TWO AND A HALF YEARS. Glorioski!

You may recall that I’ve got a website client in Colorado who recently hired herself a marketing go-getter named Warren. This go-getter Warren person called me a couple of weeks ago (see earlier post) to introduce himself and promised he would call again — a three-way conference call with our mutual client — to brainstorm different ways to improve her website with a pile of social media horseshit and new coding technology. I tried to explain (nicely at first) that I really don’t want to do this. When he wouldn’t stop talking I finally just said, “Look, pal, I’m retiring. I have zero motivation to learn any of this additional crap you’re talking about.” He probably thought I was just being a comedian because he went ahead and set up that conference call for today at 3. Thankfully, Warren blew it. My phone didn’t ring until almost 4:15, at which time I was so irritated I decided to let his call go to voice mail and sat at my desk eating wintergreen TicTacs and ordering the following pair of gorgeous lamps on sale at Kirklands.com.

Afterwards I bought a teeny funnel from Amazon to facilitate refilling my spice jars with all kinds of spicy little whatnots. (I have 45 jars of spicy little whatnots.) (No kidding.)

Anybody see the season finale of “Mad Men” last night? This was an episode worth waiting for, people. Best one yet. I watched it at 2 a.m. after Sam was asleep but didn’t delete it from the DVR because I absolutely have to see this one again. Wow. Just wow.

At the moment I think my favorite characters are Sally Draper and Bob Benson, the smiling weasel. Would any of you care to start a conversation?

Time to mosey into the kitchen to feed the chickens and rustle up some pickles & biscuits. Thank y’all for reading this.

More whining, more biscuits and more crapola.

So here’s what’s been happening today at Howdygram headquarters! Saturday night was seriously crappy with severely low blood sugar in the mid-40s, VERY low body temperature, chills and severe joint and muscle pain, which required sleeping, shivering and moaning on the chaise in the family room wrapped in a faux mink blanket. I’m surprised (and thankful) that I didn’t wake my spouse, who was comfortably unconscious in bed. I managed to perk up this morning, however, and talked Sam into an early lunch at Cafe Greek in Dallas followed by watching Adam Scott win the Masters at Augusta National on TV. The aforementioned chills and muscle pain came back this afternoon, however, and I’m not doing well at all as I write this post. I’m thinking I might need pickles and biscuits for dinner. Pickles and biscuits solve EVERYTHING.

For the record, these are low-carb biscuits, and I’ve got the easiest recipe on the face of the earth. I throw ⅔ cup of water and 2 cups of CarbQuik (a low-carb Bisquick knockoff) into my bread machine, process for about 90 seconds, and then drop six clumps of dough onto a nonstick cookie sheet, flatten the clumps with your fingers and bake for 15 minutes at 350°. (The biscuits, not your fingers.) That’s all there is to it. FRESH HOT BISCUITS! And they’re only TWO CARBS EACH, so a food-obsessed diabetic like yours truly can eat ALL SIX BISCUITS and not send her blood sugar into the stratosphere!

On TV tonight, for your possible interest, are the latest episode of AMC’s “Mad Men,” the season premiers of “Veep” on HBO and Anthony Bourdain’s new food and travel series on CNN, and a pair of extremely wonderful Walter Huston movies on TCM: Dodsworth (1936) and Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948).

This is so exciting I almost can’t stand it because Sam and I love Walter Huston movies. Thank you for reading this.

The best reason to watch “Mad Men.”

Know what? Don Draper is the best reason to watch “Mad Men,” and here’s an adorable video montage of Don Draper (played by Jon Hamm) at his adorable best. The new season of “Mad Men” premiers tomorrow night on AMC. Have I mentioned that it’s adorable?

As long as I’m posting video clips tonight I thought I’d also include this screwy promotional thing for a new upscale, mixed-use hotel/retail/condo development that’s set to replace a deceased mall on the north side of Dallas. Holy crap, they’re promising GONDOLA RIDES, SNOOTY STORES, a WATER PARK with a PACIFIC-OCEAN WAVE POOL, THOUSANDS OF RESTAURANTS and HIGH-SPEED BUSES! At this point in time, though, it’s just a lot of wishful horseshit, because I’m guessing it’ll ultimately turn out pretty much like everything else does. You know, with McDonald’s, a Super Target, a couple of nail salons, Starbucks, three bank branches and lousy parking. But we can dream, right?

Thank you for reading this.

Yesterday.

Sunday was awesome. It was so awesome, in fact, that I didn’t even have the time or inclination to write a post about it until now. Since I’m positive you won’t be able to continue with your day until I’ve shared the minutiae, grab yourself a lemonade and here goes.

My wonderful Sunday included ...

iPad App Acquisitions. I spent a little time horsing around on the iPad App Store and downloaded the following: 1) the Internet Movie Database; 2) TripAdvisor; 3) MyRadar weather maps and forecasts; and 4) an essential little doohickey called Where to Eat that — go on, take a guess — locates restaurants so I won’t have to be without Mongolian chicken anywhere in the United States. Ever. I’m also hoping to find a GPS locator app called Gefilte Fish Finder, so if you run across anything that fits this description please let me know as soon as possible. Thank you.

Memorable Television Programming. I enjoyed six hours of nonstop Diamond Jubilee horseshit on BBC America, including the entire Thames River pagaent and a special one-hour documentary about the life of Queen Elizabeth. Pictured below are the Queen and Prince Philip with the cast of “H.M.S. Pinafore” (just kidding) in a motorboat heading to the Spirit of Chartwell barge — check out that dude on the right with the skirt and red tights — and another shot of all the essential royals squished under a screwy gold canopy because it was pouring rain and God forbid any hats should get wet.

And I’ll also include a photo of the flotilla on the Thames (see below), led by a several hundred nitwits in costume rowing their own boats. The big one out in front is the Gloriana, powered by galley slaves like Ben Hur.

I also watched Tiger Woods win the Memorial yesterday at the Muirfield Village Golf Club in Ohio, tying Jack Nicklaus’ 73 lifetime PGA tournament wins. This was a very big hoo-hah  because Tiger’s game has been mostly crappy for the last couple of years. Jack was on hand to present the tournament’s trophy, which apparently was laser-engraved with a Hoover upright vacuum cleaner. (Is it just me, or is Jack shrinking?)

Last night also included: 1) the most amazing episode of AMC’s “Mad Men” I’ve ever seen, even better than the one two weeks ago when Joan agreed to sleep with a sleazy client to land the Jaguar account for Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce; 2) the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” flying to Chicago for a gay wedding in Barrington (seriously); and 3) “Veep” on HBO starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus. The official trailer for “Veep” appears below for your possible interest. (If you like it you’d better watch next Sunday because it’s the last episode of the season.)



A Charming Late Afternoon Drive. After Tiger won his trophy Sam and I jumped into the car for a lovely Sunday drive that included (see visual aid below): A) downtown Dallas and dinner at Pei Wei; B) the entire length of Harry Hines Boulevard heading northwest to Bachman Lake; and 3) back to Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite via Northwest Highway. En route we sang several of Sam & Marcy’s greatest hits and played Who Would You Rather See Naked.

It’s lunch time at last. Thank you for reading this!

Gun shows are extremely popular in Texas. I hope I never have to miss another one.

I was hoping to write a post on Sunday but somehow never got around to it because Sam and I spent most of the day either napping, eating or planning our next meal. In my view these were thoroughly worthwhile and productive activities. I also browsed around online and wound up ordering some cool wheelchair accessories on Amazon.com, which are pictured below for your possible interest.

The backpack is big enough to hold damn near anything (well, maybe not live animals) and closes with velcro; the cup holder clamps onto an arm rest of your choice. And while I’m on the subject, please allow me to make a quick comment here. In case you’ve been concerned about this, I am not an invalid nor am I confined to a wheelchair, but I do have ongoing mobility issues caused by arthritis, neuropathy and plantar fasciitis. I bought a wheelchair last week for outings and activities that might require standing or walking for long periods of time, such as a museum, a Chinese buffet, the state fair or a gun show. (Gun shows are extremely popular in Texas. I hope I never have to miss another one.)

Just in case you give a crap about this, I’ve got a haircut appointment later today at a new salon. I’d been going to Vince’s in Garland for the last few months but my stylist’s primary language is Korean and she typically misinterprets “not too short” to mean “shave my head and make me look butch.” So I think it’s finally time to move on. Stay tuned for further developments.

And now I’d better wake Sam so we can go to bed. He’s been asleep in the family room since 8:30, which allowed me ample time to watch this week’s episodes of “Veep,” “Mad Men” and “Real Housewives of New Jersey” plus two “Hardcore Pawn” reruns. Thank y’all for reading this.

Rolling laundry carts and Lane beats the crap out of snotty Pete Campbell.

Can we talk about GORGEOUS SUGAR-FREE DESSERTS for a minute? I just ordered a couple of wonderful products from Amazon … gorgeous sugar-free cookies and gorgeous sugar-free petit fours by Wisconsin Cheeseman! (You know, one of those fancy-schmancy food companies like Swiss Colony or Figi’s.) I’m so excited about I might have to hang out on the lawn waiting for UPS. Sam can slide my meals under the front door.

Holy crap. Do you want to eat these as much as I do?

And if gorgeous sugar-free desserts aren’t exciting enough, Sam just put together my NEW ROLLING LAUNDRY CART (see post). It’s even better than I expected. This thing is extremely huge and extremely well made, and Sam even commented it’s the nicest “assembly required” product he’s ever been required to assemble. Glorioski! I think I’ll go stuff it with bath towels.

From the world of meaningless foods, a couple of months ago Kraft introduced their “MilkBite” bar, a weird new breakfast thing that combines milk & granola into a product that sort of looks like a big bland dog biscuit. Enter “Mel,” MilkBite’s unassuming food mascot, who’s awkward, slightly weird and confused about life. Think Woody Allen. Part milk and part granola, Mel finds himself on an agonizing life rollercoaster as he attempts to integrate with society. The Howdygram hopes you’ll enjoy the following three Mel-centered commercials.







I’m starving so I think I’ll go toast myself an English muffin and watch last night’s amazing episode of “Mad Men” for the second time, during which Lane shocks the hell out of everybody in the room and beats the crap out of snotty Pete Campbell.

Thank you for reading this.

Everybody knows that frosted cake is the perfect food for all sporting events.

Great news, boys and girls! I’ve got a ton of fabulous crapola lined up for this Howdygram post and there’s no better time to get started than RIGHT NOW. Sam is at the office — yes, on Sunday — indefinitely, I just watched Tiger Woods win the Arnold Palmer Invitational, and for the moment I’m all through horsing around with that new website project while my client tweaks a few final edits. I’m all yours. Holy crap, right?

First, please allow me to extend heartfelt congratulations to Tiger Woods from everybody at the Howdygram Sports Desk for winning the aforementioned PGA tournament. By the time he got to the 18th hole — with 20,000 spectators chanting his name — he was so visibly excited he almost couldn’t putt. I know exactly how this feels! (I might be joking.) Note to Tiger: shave the stupid goatee.

I saw in the news that psychopathic former vice president Dick Cheney, 71, received a heart transplant yesterday at Inova Fairfax Hospital in Virginia. I find this absolutely SHOCKING as I didn’t know the conspiratorial fearmonger ever had a heart to begin with! During the George Dubya Bush administration Cheney’s first official assignments in February 2001 were to help organize wiretaps to spy on American citizens and conspire with oil companies to plan the invasion of Iraq. Around the same time he also was asked to head the Counter-Terrorism Task Force, although he held no meetings and ignored hundreds of written warnings about Osama bin Laden for nearly seven months. Cheney finally convened the CTTF on September 12, the day after the destruction of the World Trade Center. So you can imagine how happy I am that Satan gets a new heart. Isn’t medical science wonderful?

What some might consider the perfect segue, please join me in wishing a happy 60th birthday to Hasbro’s first big-seller, Mr. Potato Head.

I had a Mr. Potato Head when I was little. At the time it was just a box of push-pin body parts (eyes, lips, feet, etc.) that you jabbed into a real potato, which was big fun for about seven minutes. Unfortunately if you forgot to throw out the used spud afterwards you wound up with a moldy monster sprouting horns, which always sent me screaming all over the house at three years old. Thanks for the nightmares, Hasbro.

And now for a couple of Howdygram product announcements! First, just in case you’re a pious Christian who celebrates Easter with mountains of sugar you’ll surely want to buy a Giant Gummy Bunny for friends and loved ones. It’s 6½ inches tall, costs $14 and comes in your choice of three religious flavors. You can order yours here.

Second, are you ready for some crap from Pawley’s Island, South Carolina? Then I’d like to introduce you Bird Crap, a custom-blended seasoning that’s supposed to “taste great on just about anything.”

If, for some reason, this is making you hungry, you can order Bird Crap from the manufacturer’s website. One bottle is $5.99, a Bird Crap Double is $10 or you can get a Case o’ Crap for $55. Yee haw!

For your possible interest a brand new season of “Mad Men” premiers tonight on AMC after an excruciatingly long absence due to contract disputes. If you remember the 1960s you’ll love this series, which is populated with sleazy but handsome Madison Avenue advertising executives, hilarious 1960s-era product placement and women with lacquered hair and road-cone boobs who make meat loaf for dinner. This is definitely fine television and a Howdygram four-star recommendation.

Since Sam is still at work — he’s been gone since 11 this morning — and I have no idea what time he’s coming home, I guess I’d better rustle up some grub in the kitchen because I haven’t eaten anything all day except for a piece of frosted cake during the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Everybody knows that frosted cake is the perfect food for all sporting events. Thank you for reading this.