My favorite crapola for a well-stocked low-carb kitchen, listed here in no particular order whatsoever.

Tasty and wonderful whatnots for diabetics and dieters.

DISCOUNT GEFILTE FISH. Make every day like Passover when you buy gefilte fish cheap from Amazon. They carry lots of different brands but my favorite is Manischewitz (the kind without sugar).

LC THICK’N SAUCY. Here’s a pantry essential for diabetics who crave gooey, starchy food. Sprinkle this zero-carb powder — ZERO CARBS! — into any liquid to get beautiful sludgy crapola, such as homemade soup and gravy. I love sludgy crapola!

ARMOUR VIENNA SAUSAGES. Everybody loves these tasty little cut-up hot dogs floating in mystery liquid! Wonderful dipped in hot mustard while you’re enjoying a Joan Crawford movie. Very cheap; convenient pop-top cans.

SENSATO POWDERED ERYTHRITOL. A very sweet and natural-tasting no-carb sugar substitute that’s fantastic for baking because it’s not gritty or granulated like Splenda. And even though erythritol is considered a “sugar alcohol,” it won’t turn your digestive tract into a nuclear holocaust.

WALDEN FARMS COLESLAW DRESSING. This bottle of thoroughly yummy zero-calorie goo is enough to dress a regular-size bag of shredded coleslaw mix from the supermarket, and you’d never know it’s not a high-fat mayonnaise-based product. Holy crap, I love this stuff!

EZ SWEETZ LIQUID SUCRALOSE. Tastes terrific and probably the most concentrated sweetener on the market ... two drops are as sweet as one teaspoon of sugar! I buy mine from Netrition.com but Amazon sells it, too.

NO SUGAR ADDED MT. OLIVE BREAD & BUTTER PICKLE CHIPS. A tasty little accompaniment for grilled cheese and a vanilla shake! I order mine by the case because supermarkets around here don’t carry them. Check out Mt. Olive’s No Sugar Added Relish, too.

THRIVE FREEZE-DRIED WHATNOTS. My favorites are the Beef and Taco TVP, freeze-dried Carrots, Celery and Mushrooms, Instant Pinto Beans and freeze-dried Ground Beef, but there are so many other options your head will explode! I buy the gallon cans (shown) but you can try little pouches to get started until you figure out which products you like best. This stuff all tastes as good as fresh, rehydrates in minutes and totally eliminates prep work. (Yes, I’m really that lazy.)

COLLEGE INN CHICKEN BROTH. Amazon sells convenient six-packs so you’ll never run out. I’ve got mine set up for monthly delivery with their Subscribe & Save plan. This is a nice, relatively cheap basic chicken broth that tastes just fine with matzo balls or barley.

MT. OLIVE NO SUGAR ADDED SWEET GHERKINS. So sweet you can pretend they’re dessert if you’re desperate enough. Wonderful with tuna salad or a wad of cheese while you watch “People’s Court.”

LOMA LINDA “SWISS STAKE” FAKE MEAT. Vegetarian meat substitute in very tasty gravy. You might as well just eat it cold straight out of the can because the flavor doesn’t improve very much when it’s nuked. I actually love this crap and order it by the case from Amazon.

MANISCHEWITZ LOW CALORIE BEET BORSCHT. A serious shortage of Jewish people in Texas means you can’t find beet borscht in any of your favorite supermarkets. Therefore, once or twice a year it’s worth the outrageous expense to order a couple of jars of sugar-free borscht directly from Manischewitz. (Don’t tell Sam.)

DA VINCI SUGAR-FREE SYRUPS. My new best friends come in two or three million flavors and turn a 12-oz. can of seltzer into phosphate heaven. My favorites are raspberry and blueberry; Sam loves watermelon and peach. I recommend ordering from Netrition.com because their $4.95 flat-rate shipping saves you a bundle.

DIXIE DINER LOW-CARB MUFFIN MIXES. Diabetic nirvana that offers much better results as a loaf cake than 12 hockey-puck muffins. The best flavor so far (I’m trying them all) is the Chocolate Chocolate Chip. Send me an email and I’ll be glad to share my secrets for improving the recipe on the package.

DIXIE DINER LOW-CARB MEAT LOAF MIX. Glorioski ... now you can make a meat loaf with practically no carbs whatsoever! Just follow the directions on the package. There’s no rocket science involved and the results do NOT taste like health food. My only recommended additions would be half a teaspoon of salt, a small wad of dehydrated onions and Heinz sugar-free ketchup on top.

WAL-MART GREEN OLIVES. The tastiest little morsels on earth! I eat them by the dozen alongside my favorite low-carb biscuits and Soy Slender chocolate soy milk. (Seriously.) Buy the gigantic jars of Walmart’s Great Value store brand because they’re really cheap and you’ll love them as much as I do.

SWEETLEAF LIQUID STEVIA FLAVOR DROPS. This intense sugar-free flavored sweetener is perfect for smoothies, coffee, soda, bottled water and (in my case) to jazz up Chia Seed Pudding. My favorites are Berry and Chocolate but there are dozens to choose from. Cheaper to use (and a lot less bulky) than those big bottles of sugar-free DaVinci syrup..

CHIA SEEDS. The miracle superfood of the ancient Aztecs. Chia seeds are loaded with fiber, calcium, antioxidants, Omega 3 and 6, and they’ll lower your blood sugar, reduce your blood pressure, cut your appetite and help bald men regrow hair. (Just kidding about the hair.) I buy Nature’s Earthly Choice from Amazon because their two-pound bag is probably the best value on the market.

SOY SLENDER SOY MILK. Enjoy the thrill of real chocolate milk even if you’re diabetic or lactose intolerant! Soy Slender has only one carb per serving and zero lactose, making it perfect with a grilled cheese sandwich or a base for Chia Seed Pudding. Or ... try it with low-carb cereal and pretend you’re eating Count Chocula!

BELLA VITA LOW-CARB PASTA SAUCE. Bella Vita is probably the best-tasting jar of pasta sauce on the market, especially the tomato basil flavor. I keep half a dozen jars in the pantry at all times in case of nuclear war or a spaghetti emergency.

BISTO INSTANT GRAVY. This strange British import is actually little gravy granules that you stir into a mug of hot water and pour on anything in sight to make it taste better, but probably not pudding. Bisto comes in a variety of flavors. Try the chicken.

LOW-CARB BAGELS, BREAD & BUNS. Chewy bagels, bread and sandwich buns from the Great Low-Carb Bread Company with only one or two net carbs each. Seriously, people, these are the best low-carb bread products I’ve ever tried and the Howdygram is in love with them! Can be frozen for up to 22 years or refrigerated up to six weeks. (Only half of the previous sentence is actually true.)

BETTER THAN BOUILLON. There’s only one place you should buy Better Than Bouillon, and it’s not your local grocery store. SoupsOnline.com is cheaper and they carry a million different flavors, including Chili, Mushroom, Lobster and Kosher Chicken. Who knew?

BUMBLE BEE PINK SALMON IN LITTLE POUCHES. Healthier than tuna and much prettier when smooshed up with mayo. I buy packs of 12 from Amazon. The price is just fine and they come in a display box that looks very cool in my pantry.

CHOCOPERFECTION LOW-CARB CHOCOLATE BARS. These are probably the best sugar-free low-carb chocolate bars on the planet, and I’ve tried almost all of them. I just ordered a box of the milk chocolate bars based on a reviewer who swears they taste like the cheap Brach’s Easter bunnies you get at Walgreen’s. Oh boy!

CHINESE BRAISED GLUTEN IN TEENY POP-TOP CANS. Seriously, who wouldn’t love Chinese food for $1.68? Little globs of braised seitan and unreconizable mushrooms in a flavorful soy-based sauce are healthy and strangely satisfying. I order a dozen cans at a time.

CHINESE BRAISED SEITAN. Similar to the product pictured above, this is a much larger can — minus the fungus — and offers a lot of classy chow for only two bucks!

JOK-N-AL CHILI PEPPER SAUCE. Amazing sugar-free, low-carb version of a spicy Asian sweet & sour sauce that tastes wonderful on just about anything except oatmeal. Manufactured by a company in New Zealand and sold by Netrition. If you have a minute check out their entire line of bottled sauces and fruity whatnots in jars.

CRYSTAL LIGHT LEMONADE. You probably don’t know that Crystal Light is the official warm-weather beverage of Howdygram headquarters, and there’s always a great deal on three-packs when you order from Walmart.com. To get free shipping you have to spend at least $50, so why not throw in toilet paper, fabric softener and lunch bags while you’re at it.

CARB NOT BEANIT BUTTER. This is a zero-carb peanut butter knockoff made from roasted soybeans that’s so damn good you can eat it with a spoon straight out of the jar. (I recommend this at least once a day.) Beanit Butter is also excellent with low-carb jelly and you can even use it to bake cookies!

GUY’S AWARD-WINNING SUGAR-FREE BARBECUE SAUCE. As good as any barbecue sauce on the market, except it’s sugar-free! Guy’s comes in four different flavors. I like the “Award-Winning Spicy.” Next time I’ll try the “Award-Winning Hot.”

HEINZ ONE-CARB KETCHUP. You’d never guess how much sugar is in a product like this until you start checking out nutritional labels. Heinz one-carb ketchup tastes exactly the same as regular Heinz with corn syrup except now I can eat as much as I want without risking a diabetic coma. (Sam likes it, too.)

MIRACLE RICE. Not exactly rice, per se, these rubbery little zero-calorie blobs are made from natural plant fiber called Glucomannan that contains no sugar, starch or fat. Packaged with brine in plastic bags, you just rinse them in a strainer and throw them into soup or sauce. Word of caution: never smell the brine.

KOOP’S MUSTARD. MustardMuseum.com might be the most entertaining website ever. Founder and curator Barry Levenson elevates his favorite condiment to a whole new level with hundreds of interesting choices. My personal favorite is Koop’s horseradish mustard.

LIPTON “RECIPE SECRETS” ONION SOUP MIX. Moosh half a package into sour cream and you wind up with a terrific dip for carrots and celery. In my case, though, I love this crap with Lowrey’s Microwave Hot & Spicy Pork Rinds (see product listing below) for a decadent low-carb snack.

LOWREY’S MICROWAVE HOT & SPICY PORK RINDS. Low-fat and only one carb, just nuke a bag in the microwave for 90 seconds and you get a pile of extremely tasty crunchy things that’s safe for diabetics like yours truly. Excellent with the onion dip described above. You should also consider guacamole or hummus.

McCORMICK EXTRACTS. The perfect way to flavor a sugar-free shake without using fruit, which can be loaded with carbs. I recommend raspberry, coconut, hazelnut and banana. Skip the strawberry because it tastes like cough syrup.

McCORMICK TACO SEASONING. Another tasty dip idea for Lowrey’s Microwave Hot & Spicy Pork Rinds. Try mixing one tablespoon with one cup of sour cream. This gigantic 24-oz. jar from Amazon is enough to last two years or until you’re ready to blow your brains out.

NESQUIK NO SUGAR ADDED CHOCOLATE MILK POWDER. Sometimes a diabetic senior citizen needs chocolate milk no matter what, and sugar-free Nesquik is the only real option because sugar-free Hershey syrup tastes like crap.

SANS SUCRE (SUGAR-FREE) PUMPKIN PIE PUDDING MIX. If you love pumpkin pie you have to try this incredible sugar-free pudding mix that whips up in a blender with cold milk. Yes, it’s possible to eat the whole damn bowl all by yourself with a tub of sugar-free Cool Whip.

CARBQUIK BAKING MIX. A Bisquick knockoff with 90% fewer carbs, CarbQuik is a real “find” for diabetics like me who constantly crave starchy crap. You can modify your mother’s favorite Bisquick recipes from the 1950s (my mother never had any, actually) or look up dozens of CarbQuik originals online. I think this stuff is amazing.

LOW-CARB WHITE BREAD MIX. Oy, it’s really possible! A whole loaf of homemade bread with fewer carbs than one stinking slice of store-bought! I make mine in a bread machine on the “express bake” setting. A little pricey but worth every penny and absolutely delicious. Thank God Sam doesn’t expect me to share this, because I won’t.

WINTERGREEN TICTACS. Wintergreen is the best flavor and the prettiest color, period, which might explain why they’re occasionally in short supply. You can order cartons of 12 from Amazon at a decent price; fruity flavors tend to cost a dollar or two less. I don’t get it. Who the hell sucks on grapefruit breath mints?