I find it ironic to have a toothache but no teeth.

In this post: Crap held hostage, a Putz of the Week.

There’s something amiss right now at Howdygram headquarters. UPS and FedEx have totally loused up their pre-holiday deliveries, and all the packages I was expecting yesterday and today have been rescheduled until tomorrow (hopefully) for no apparent reason whatsoever. The online tracking information simply says “EXCEPTION.” Really? An exception to what, exactly? You’re holding my damn crap* hostage! I WANT MY DAMN CRAP AND I WANT IT NOW!

In case you care, a complete list of the aforementioned damn crap includes several jars of emergency mustard from the Mustard Museum, the new office chair I’ve been waiting for since September, a box of insulin pen needles and a DVD of The Marriage-Go-Round (1961) starring James Mason, Susan Hayward and Julie Newmar.

Hey, people, it’s official. I’m a card-carrying member of the Texas Democratic Party, and here’s proof. It came in the mail today along with another request for dough. I love Texas Democrats and hope one day I’ll meet a few. (There aren’t enough of us.)

As long as I’m discussing politics this might be an excellent time to introduce our latest Putz of the Week honoree! Please meet Tea Party poop-head and perpetual litigant Larry Klayman, who told World Net Daily today that he’s considering a lawsuit against CNN after a humiliating recent interview with anchor Don Lemon and legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin. Klayman says Lemon should be fired for being a “well-known ultra-leftist African-American political activist who pursues a LGBT sexual agenda” and believes that CNN is part of a plot against him by the Obama White House and the Democratic National Committee.

Toobin, clearly fed up, referred to Klayman as a “nuisance litigant” who, at various times, has sued President Barack Obama in a “birther” lawsuit, two major newspapers, his ex-wife, an Ohio family court official, the Clinton administration (18 different times) and even his own mother. U.S. District Court Judge Richard Leon — a conservative George W. Bush appointee — thinks Klayman is a “lunatic” suffering from “tin-foil hat paranoia.” Yup. He nailed it.

As further evidence of Klayman’s weak grasp of basic citizenship and the United States Constitution, earlier this year during the government shutdown he announced that a coup was going to sweep President Barack Obama out of office on November 19 and, gesturing toward the White House, ordered Obama to “put the Quran down” and “come out with your hands up.” The actual coup, however, which Klayman hoped would draw millions of rabid right-wing patriots to Washington, turned out to be about 130 halfwits carrying signs.

One final thought before I shlep myself into the shower: I’M HAVING A BRAND NEW PAIN TODAY. This time it’s in my jaw, of all places, located at the spot where normal people with teeth would have a back left molar. As a denture-wearer I find it aggravating yet ironic to have a toothache but no teeth, although I have no plans to consult a dentist at any time in the near future. I simply plan to whine. I’m good at it.