Another Rose Parade, another dud.

I’m pretty much finished with the Tournament of Roses parade. No kidding, this is the second year in a row I was bored half to death ... except this time I actually fell asleep after the first 30 minutes. The floats are too commercial, horses aren’t allowed to poop, everything is too damn slick, and the announcer (Al Roker) never shuts up long enough to let you hear the music. A high school marching band from suburban Atlanta had a girls’ drill team that performed like a line of professional hoochie dancers. And this year’s Grand Marshall? None other than Paula Deen, the Food Network’s southern-fried princess of plastic surgery. You could see her fluorescent dental veneers three blocks away.

Sam and I spent the rest of the day in and out of naps, watched My Darling Clementine and a few old March of Time newsreels on TCM, and then Sam picked up Tex-Mex for dinner from Norma’s Restaurant in Garland. Pretty much an ideal New Year’s Day except that I haven’t been able to warm up, even after two extremely hot showers. Maybe we should light the fireplace. Socks might help, too. Thank you for reading this.

No big deal: the 2010 Tournament of Roses parade.

I’ve always looked forward to New Year’s Day and the Tournament of Roses parade. As a kid growing up in Chicago it was a real treat to see a North American city on the first of January without two feet of snow on the ground and temperatures above 10°. I even enjoyed watching the parade during the dozen years I lived in southern California (1995 through 2007) although I never got to see it in person. TV was always good enough. I could wear a bathrobe, eat a bagel and didn’t have to look for parking.

Today’s parade, however, was a crushing disappointment and marked the first time I can ever remember thinking I’d rather be watching Gene Autry reruns. Why? Because it was sappy and TOO CORPORATE. I mean, one of the prettiest floats was a crazy, musical, colorful extravaganza depicting Rio de Janeiro’s annual Carnivale with sexy Brazilian dancers and gigantic puppets bopping around on the street ... and starring that stupid BIG-HEADED CLOWN FROM THE JACK-IN-THE-BOX COMMERCIALS. Another honored ORGAN DONORS, maybe one of the strangest themes imaginable. I’d really like to know who thought this would be a good idea for a parade float, with people riding on the side holding up pictures of somebody who donated a liver. What’s next? How about floats to promote pap smears or medical breakthroughs in hemorrhoid prevention?

Even the marching bands were duds this year, but with one exception: the Ohio State School for the Blind. When they first appeared (and before I realized they were blind) I yelled for Sam to come and watch this band of klutzes all marching out of step. The majorettes were in a cockeyed row tapping with white canes and every musician had a sighted guide holding one arm so they wouldn’t smash into each other. This was the only part of the parade worth watching, but it was over way too soon. Thank you for reading this.