Katya and her illiterate prose don’t interest me on a number of different levels.

I baked Beanit Butter cookies today. Although I’m not really the “Aunt Bee” type any more, when you’re an insulin-dependent diabetic you eventually figure out the only way to get your hands on a genuine low-carb dessert is to make it yourself. Which explains the Beanit Butter cookies and why there are currently 28 of them cooling on trays in the kitchen. The smell is driving me INSANE. (Or as my father used to say, “That’s not a drive … it’s a short putt.”) Since it’s pretty clear that I must be starving right now, dinner will commence at Howdygram headquarters in 15 minutes. Tonight’s elevated gourmet menu includes gefilte fish, horseradish, one Slim Jim, the last remaining wedge of homemade low-carb bread and a large quantity of the aforementioned cookies with a vanilla soy milk chaser. I’d be glad to set a place for you at the table if you want to come over. We can watch tonight’s episode of “Dallas” together.

I received a comical email today — obviously spam — from a bogus Russian girl looking for her soul mate. Apparently she thinks I’m a man named Marcy desperate enough to be swayed by the following stab at illiterate prose:

Hello my name is Katya, I am from small city in center of Russia. I am 24 years. I am very friendly and romantic person. I saw your structure and decided to do record in you as I search for the friend on the Internets. I want to have serious relationship and true. My dream is search for the man which will appreciate me and to respect. I like to acquaint with unknown people. I like to spend my free time on the nature. There are a real beautiful places near my town! All my friend say that I cherful. I hope soon to see the message!

Obviously Katya doesn’t interest me on a number of different levels, the most obvious being I’m a happily-married female heterosexual who’s practically old enough to be her grandmother, but if any of this sounds good to you please let me know and I’ll be glad to provide her email address. Incidentally, you have my sympathy.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.