When waitresses suck.

I’ll begin with an advance apology to all you hardworking professional waitresses out there in Howdygramland. There are lots of you, and if you feel hurt, demolished, maniacal or homicidal after you read this post I definitely apologize. I’m not writing about YOU; I’m writing about one specific waitress at one specific restaurant. Her name is Shontae, and she screwed up our dinner experience yesterday at the Black-eyed Pea.

This wasn’t anything SERIOUS, mind you, just some really crappy and lazy behavior. For instance, before we’re even seated at the table Shontae introduces herself three times, because remembering her first name is the most important thing I’m going to do today, right after checking my blood glucose level and voting for governor of Texas. Then she delivers a basket of hot rolls with no silverware or plates. We ask for both. She says, “Plates? Sure, I can bring plates,” as if it’s a novel idea and she’ll try to humor us. Plates are dropped on the table in a stack of three but she hands all the silverware directly to ME, because I’m apparently wearing a sign that says I’m her assistant.

Our appetizer is a nice platter of nice fried green tomatoes, which Shontae delivers after shoving our bread plates and beverages all over the table. When the food order arrives she stands there like the Statue of Liberty with the first entree in her hand, annoyed, and waits for us to rearrange everything and make room. We’re not fast enough and she starts shoving dishes again.

Then we have this issue with BEVERAGES. Mom orders hot water. She orders hot water everywhere we go. She doesn’t drink coffee or tea, just a mug of ordinary hot water. Shontae has trouble with this concept and brings a two-quart plastic tumbler filled with water at the boiling point ... enough to bathe in and so hot you can’t even hold the glass. We look at her like she just landed from the planet Mongo. “You WANTED hot water, didn’t you?” Refills are no trip to the beach, either. When I request more iced tea she stands at the far end of the table with the pitcher and makes me stop eating to pass my glass to her across Sam’s plate.

We love the Black-eyed Pea. We hate Shontae. We left just enough tip to get our point across.

This is mom’s last night with us and we’re taking her to dinner at Saltgrass Steakhouse in Rockwall. Sam and I love Saltgrass, especially the wild west decor. I’ll try to remember my digital camera. In the meantime, thank you reading this and bon appetit.

All roads lead to the Black-eyed Pea.

Today’s lunch destination with mom was supposed to be Peggy Sue BBQ near the SMU campus in Dallas. Peggy Sue gets great write-ups in snooty “D” Magazine and excellent reviews online, so I figured this must be the go-to place for the city’s best smoked brisket and all the required accoutrements, like good sauce, greasy fries and dill pickles. Unfortunately, unless you live within walking distance or arrive in a private limo that drops you at the door, there’s no way you’ll ever get within six blocks of this place at mealtime.

Peggy Sue is located in the corner of a high-end and unnaturally busy strip mall that’s shaped like a snake pit and packed with a horde of ritzy little stores and other restaurants. From the look of it, apparently everybody in Dallas had nowhere else to go at 11 a.m. on an ordinary Tuesday. We also were flummoxed by the jammed and insufficient parking lot, which was filled with Escalades lined up bumper-to-bumper, circling for empty spots like a bunch of buzzards. We gave up, headed back to the freeway and found ourselves at the Black-eyed Pea a few blocks from home in Mesquite.

The Black-eyed Pea specializes is southern-style comfort food, the kind of place that serves a pile of free corn bread with everything and considers macaroni and cheese a vegetable. We love this place. Sam and mom ordered from the $5.99 lunch menu: he had a barbecue beef sandwich, mom ordered fried catfish. I got the grilled chopped steak smothered in the best mushroom gravy EVER. We also highly recommend their side dishes, particularly the whipped sweet potatoes, squash casserole (my personal all-time favorite) and the cheesy broccoli rice. Mom enjoyed her lunch so much she wants to go back later in the week, and that’s certainly fine with me because I spotted sugar-free cheesecake on the dessert menu. The Black-eyed Pea also offers honey butter for your corn bread, unlimited napkins, good iced tea and lots of parking.

Thank you for reading this. I’m officially hungry again.