Cheetos and Coke Zero, still the two safest food products on the planet.

I think I’m in the Twilight Zone. I just woke up from a four-hour nap that I didn’t need, which was filled with weird back-to-back dreams, such as: 1) a high-level office job I kept “ditching” by calling in sick; and 2) being picked up by security guards at a store that looked a lot like Marshall Field’s for not buying a yellow top and a raincoat that I liked on a previous visit. I’m so damn confused right now I might have to order Mongolian chicken for dinner because Mongolian chicken cures everything.

From our Holy Crap, What A Deal department comes breaking news about a clearance sale hoo-hah underway at Soups Online. For a limited time they’ve got large-size (16 oz.) jars of Better Than Bouillon soup base for only $5.95 (half price) because this size apparently is being discontinued. I just ordered two jars of chicken and one each of mushroom and turkey for the Howdygram’s pantry. Sample images appear below in case you have no idea what I’m talking about. (This stuff is terrific.)

If you’ve never shopped at Soups Online you should give them a shot right away. They have a huge inventory and carry so many flavors of Better Than Bouillon your head might explode. Aside from the three I ordered today (chicken, mushroom and turkey) they also sell lobster, kosher chicken, chicken tomato, ham, organic vegetable, au jus, beef, chili, fish and clam! Glorioski!

And now I’d like to print the results of a study that ranks America’s favorite national burger chains. A research company called Market Force Information questioned 7,600 consumers about their preferences and I’m pretty sure the results won’t surprise anybody. In every region nationwide Five Guys topped the list and In-N-Out was second, followed by Fuddruckers, A&W and Smashburger. Fuddruckers?!

Dairy Queen ranked dead last based on its lousy food and frightening décor. You won’t get any disagreement from me. The last time Sam and I set foot in Dairy Queen was about five years ago. The front half of the store smelled like somebody just threw up and the kid who made our cones was covered with scabs. We raced each other to the front door and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

Here’s a Howdygram Consumer Alert! As long as I’m writing about food (a favorite Howdygram topic in case you haven’t noticed) I wonder if you’ve read today’s big news about RICE. According to separate tests conducted by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and Consumer Reports, many name-brand rice and rice products contain “troubling” levels of CARCINOGENIC ARSENIC, a level one toxin that causes bladder and lung cancer. I think it’s a safe bet that Chinese restaurants from coast to coast are feeling a little panicky right now, although white rice is apparently safer than brown since arsenic is being found most often in the outer layers of the grain. (So much for all those bogus health claims about brown rice.)

These latest findings have led Consumer Reports and Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan to call on the FDA to set limits for arsenic in food, particularly baby food, and to caution the public about eating large amounts of rice and feeding it to small children. While that’s all very commendable, I wouldn’t recommend feeding arsenic to ADULTS, either!

I think I’ll consider Cheetos and Coke Zero for dinner, still the two safest food products on the planet. Thank you for reading this.

Things you should never stuff in your nose.

According to a King Features Syndicate news item I read last night on the Chicago Tribune’s website, one of the ingredients in Vicks VapoRub, petrolatum, can get into the lungs and cause chronic inflammation.

Apparently a 41-year-old man went to the hospital with a breathing problem, and during a CT scan the doctor discovered “five nodules” in the patient’s lungs. After admitting to the doctor that he’d been shoveling Vicks VapoRub up his nose every night for 10 years, the nodules were diagnosed as lipoid pneumonia. As a result, the authors of the article (Joe and Teresa Graedon) and leading pulmonologists warn NEVER CRAM VICKS VAPORUB UP YOUR NOSE. However, they’re getting lots of flack from skeptical readers, such as: “I read your warning not to put Vicks up your nose. That’s stupid. I’ve been stuffing my nose with Vicks for years, and I have never once come down with pneumonia.”

It’s possible, of course, that the skeptical reader quoted above is referring to something else entirely besides VapoRub, such as the Philadelphia Eagles’ slime-bag quarterback who’s a convicted felon and spent almost two years in prison for running an illegal dogfighting ring. I have no idea if this athlete would fit in anybody’s nose, but I’m positive that Michael Vick will make you sick.

In other news, I had a scary nightmare and woke up about an hour ago with a pounding headache. From what I can remember, I was on a ship in dense fog with John Garfield (the actor) and I had huge bizarre antennas growing out of my right foot that I was desperately trying to remove with a cuticle scissors. Upon further reflection, however, I realize that seeing this weird crap in print is actually slightly worse than the nightmare itself. I apologize. I mean it.