Things you should never stuff in your nose.

According to a King Features Syndicate news item I read last night on the Chicago Tribune’s website, one of the ingredients in Vicks VapoRub, petrolatum, can get into the lungs and cause chronic inflammation.

Apparently a 41-year-old man went to the hospital with a breathing problem, and during a CT scan the doctor discovered “five nodules” in the patient’s lungs. After admitting to the doctor that he’d been shoveling Vicks VapoRub up his nose every night for 10 years, the nodules were diagnosed as lipoid pneumonia. As a result, the authors of the article (Joe and Teresa Graedon) and leading pulmonologists warn NEVER CRAM VICKS VAPORUB UP YOUR NOSE. However, they’re getting lots of flack from skeptical readers, such as: “I read your warning not to put Vicks up your nose. That’s stupid. I’ve been stuffing my nose with Vicks for years, and I have never once come down with pneumonia.”

It’s possible, of course, that the skeptical reader quoted above is referring to something else entirely besides VapoRub, such as the Philadelphia Eagles’ slime-bag quarterback who’s a convicted felon and spent almost two years in prison for running an illegal dogfighting ring. I have no idea if this athlete would fit in anybody’s nose, but I’m positive that Michael Vick will make you sick.

In other news, I had a scary nightmare and woke up about an hour ago with a pounding headache. From what I can remember, I was on a ship in dense fog with John Garfield (the actor) and I had huge bizarre antennas growing out of my right foot that I was desperately trying to remove with a cuticle scissors. Upon further reflection, however, I realize that seeing this weird crap in print is actually slightly worse than the nightmare itself. I apologize. I mean it.