Happy Fourth of July. Let’s eat things.

Ah, Independence Day! I hope you’ve had a good one, filled with lots of burned meat, an abundance of alcohol and a sky full of exploding sparkly things. GOD BLESS AMERICA!

So far today Sam and I have taken consecutive extended naps, eaten a variety of leftovers and watched a thoroughly atrocious movie about the American Revolution, The Howards of Virginia (1940) starring Cary Grant with a ponytail and Martha Scott. No kidding, people ... a crappy Cary Grant movie! Between his inexplicably bizarre theatrics — was he on crack? — and painfully pathetic American accent, the film was irritating, unbelievable and essentially unwatchable. Apparently Cary hated his performance as much as I did because he swore he’d never do another “costume drama” as long as he lived. Pictured below are Cary with Martha Scott and Sir Cedric Hardwicke. Others in the cast were not worth mentioning in any way whatsoever. Thank you.

In local news, Dale Irby, an elementary school P.E. teacher in Richardson, Texas, retired a few months ago after 40 years on the job. And apparently wacky Mr. Irby purposely wore the same outfit every year on faculty picture-day, resulting in the following montage:

I think this is hilarious. I really do. And I’d be interested to know who manufactures that shirt and vest because nothing I own has ever lasted forty years!

Warning ... the following paragraph is ADULTS ONLY, so please ask your impressionable children to go eat a bowl of Lucky Charms or play outside for a few minutes, okay?

There’s a breaking news story tonight about Cirilo Castillo, pictured at right, a dude from Hidalgo County, Texas, who’s been arrested twice in three months for HAVING SEX WITH THE SAME HORSE. This time he was caught on closed-circuit video (holy crap) enjoying an intimate moment with Nadia in her corral. Castillo is obviously so obsessed with Nadia that he decided to go back for a second visit after being released from jail. Won’t this jerk ever learn that neigh means neigh? For the record, he was charged with cruelty to animals because Texas doesn’t have a law against bestiality. I know this to be true, or else Rick Perry’s wife would have been arrested decades ago for marrying a JACKASS.

And now it’s time to eat a lot of food and watch The Music Man (1962) starring Robert Preston and Shirley Jones. Thanks for stopping by.

Our weekend of big surprises.

Big surprise #1.
Sam and I discovered that we love eating at Denny’s. Stop laughing. We had lunch at a Denny’s in Red Oak on Saturday and went for breakfast at Denny’s here in Mesquite on Sunday. Sam seems to be hooked on their build-your-own Grand Slam thing and I love Denny’s impressive senior citizen menu, which is extremely cheap with a lot of very good options including Egg Beaters. And their Diet Cokes are super-fizzy, they’re open 24 HOURS A DAY so you can get pancakes at 3 a.m. and they have lots of polite employees who are always saying thank you.

Holy crap, I seriously can’t believe I’m writing this.

Big surprise #2.
We watched a semi-goofy Roy Rogers marathon on TCM a couple of days ago and found ourselves turning into huge fans. The films included Don’t Fence Me In, My Pal Trigger, The Golden Stallion and Trigger, Jr. They were all REALLY GOOD, but my favorite was probably My Pal Trigger (1946) because it had one hell of a juicy plot. Roy gets framed for murdering somebody else’s horse and winds up in prison for three years. ROY ROGERS IN PRISON!

Here’s a video clip of a screwy song called “All The Cowhands Want to Marry Harriet” — which was a big hit with Sam — from My Pal Trigger sung by Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. Be sure to check out Dale’s wild west dominatrix outfit and her hat from hell that looks like a dust mop.

Please allow me to offer the Howdygram’s best wishes for a very happy Independence Day. We’ll probably stay close to home, eat a bunch of leftovers and watch one of our favorite movies on TCM. If you’ve never seen the musical 1776 you don’t know what you’ve been missing. The songs are great, the costumes are great, the story is funny, inspirational, tragic and historically accurate to the smallest detail, and you’ll suddenly find yourself remembering everything you learned about the second Continental Congress and the Declaration of Independence in seventh grade except this time it’s actually FUN and set to music. Promise me you’ll watch this movie. Thank you.

Things to do on the Fourth of July.

First, this is a great day to THROW SOMETHING FUN ON THE GRILL. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have any hamburgers hanging around. Get creative. Consider grilled eggs, grilled raisins or grilled rice. Seriously.

Second, CLEAN THE GRILL after you’ve tried suggestion number one and order Chinese food for dinner.

Third, stand in the living room window and SUPERVISE YOUR SPOUSE PICKING WEEDS. That’s basically what I’ve been doing for the last hour except for a short bathroom break.

And — most appropriately — fourth, WATCH MY FAVORITE INDEPENDENCE DAY MOVIES: 1776 and Yankee Doodle Dandy. You’re definitely in luck here because both are scheduled this afternoon on TCM. Sam and I are particularly nuts about 1776, the former Broadway hit musical that also happens to be inspirational, historically accurate, cleverly written and full of excellent songs. Take a look at the movie trailer and then check your local listings for the exact time to watch.

From all of us at the Howydgram, have a terrific holiday, don’t blow up any fingers and look out for low-flying flags. Thank you for reading this.