Sex, lies and religious prophecy.

Sexual harrassment is the elephant in the room for candidate Herman Cain, who thinks he’ll make the story go away by refusing to answer questions. Following a comical debate with Newt — what an annoying name! — Gingrich a few days ago, Cain bullied reporters and yelled at them to shut up because he was “back on message” and would only discuss “issues of interest to the American people.”

I have breaking news for Cain … his despicable past IS interesting to the American people, and if he thinks he can slither out of a scandal like this he’s dead wrong. I mean, these harrassment claims have to be true because media-hound feminist attorney Gloria Allred (see inset, above)  — who recently represented all of Tiger Woods’ strippers, cocktail waitresses and hookers — is already in the game with one of Herman’s victims!

Here’s an idea. I’ll order a Godfather’s pizza and everybody can come over to watch the fun.

Weather.com says we’ve got GIGANTIC SEVERE STORMS on the way tonight and they’re already issuing hail, torrential rain and tornado warnings highlighted by Harold Camping’s latest end-of-the-world prophecy.

In case you’re interested, Harold Camping (see inset) is the Barney Fife of end-times religion and tries to terrify people by predicting the exact date of the “rapture.” His last public disgrace occurred on May 21, 2011, when we all woke up the next day and the world was still here (read my earlier post). This confused the crap out of poor Harold. He was so damn positive!

Thank you for reading this.

Out of the woods.

I might be in the minority here, but I still like Tiger Woods. From the minute his big hoo-hah sex scandal hit the news last November my primary thought was, THIS IS NOBODY’S BUSINESS, including that endless parade of creepy “cocktail waitresses” who couldn’t wait to tell the world about the sordid details of their real or imagined involvement. The bottom line is, Tiger Woods doesn’t owe me an apology. He doesn’t owe YOU an apology, either. He’s not the first millionaire athlete who’s cheated on his wife, and he won’t be the last. If Tiger owes an apology to anybody, it’s his wife and family ... and probably to his corporate sponsors, too, for wrecking the public image they paid so much for. Other than that, it’s over. I JUST WANT HIM TO GET BACK TO PLAYING GOLF.

Actually, at the end of the day I think the only true villain in this scenario is Gloria Allred, that sickening, media-grubbing lawyer who’s always trying to squeeze herself in front of a TV camera. According to an article I read this morning on MSNBC.com, Allred is representing porn star Joslyn James, who’s upset that Tiger didn’t apologize to her publicly during his press conference yesterday because he once told her she was “the only woman in life except for his wife.” Nice going, Gloria. Another manufactured opportunity to plaster your name in the news.