The big Tuesday hoo-hah.

There’s so much happening here today I almost don’t know where to begin, but I’ll give it my best shot! First, I just spent an hour redesigning certain elements of the Howdygram. As you scroll around the page you’ll notice our new banner, new navigation links and assorted other graphics. I know you’ll find this as exciting as I do. Second, I’m expecting a delivery of bread machine mixes this afternoon from The Prepared Pantry.

Wow. I guess that’s about it.

In case you’ve been losing sleep over this, here’s an update on Sam’s black stretchy pants (see post). Even after reporting this incident to Mesquite police detectives, offering a substantial $25 reward and promising the thief complete amnesty, SAM’S MISSING PANTS ARE STILL NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. The only possible explanation is that our housecleaning crew took them home as a souvenir, although with very little effort they could have found other items of much greater value, such as my collection of melamine soup bowls, the tape dispenser on my desk or Sam’s carousel horse statue. (I’d actually be willing to gift-wrap the horse statue for them.)

And now I think I’ll go back to bed for a while so I won’t look like a zombie all day. Thank you for reading this.

Earthquakes and other discoveries.

Since my recent charity drive for Australian flood victims didn’t exactly launch as planned (see my recent post re Nose Plugs for Australia) I am hereby and forthwith pleased to announce Trash Bags for New Zealand, an official Howdygram fundraiser for the recently-rattled earthquake survivors of Christchurch. We’re recommending that each of y’all send us $250 towards the purchase of Hefty bags, first-class round-trip airfare for Sam and me to Wellington, plus a five day/four night layover in Fiji because we’ll be depressed after all this and nothing says “cheer up” like a five-star tropical resort. Sam also needs new swim trunks.

Please submit your contributions by email as soon as possible.

Also, please permit me to recommend my new favorite website, The Prepared Pantry. They carry a whole lot of everything if you love to bake, but in my case I’m hooked on their BREAD MACHINE MIXES ... more than 70 different varieties — with guaranteed perfect results — ranging from Gourmet New York Rye to Black Russian to Knobby Apple Cinnamon (pictured below), which makes the house smell like you’re baking a pie so you can impress the neighbors. Those three are actually our favorites. Other flavors you won’t find anywhere else on the planet include Tuscany Basil Tomato, Loaded Baked Potato, Smokin’ Hot Chipotle Cheese, Sour Cream Onion and Honey Graham Granola.

If you don’t own a bread machine you can buy one cheap at Overstock.com and then load up on mixes from The Prepared Pantry. Sam and I have the Oster Express Bake Breadmaker, which I love to pieces and is really easy to clean. And then you should buy an Adjustable Bread Keeper (I've got two) from Amazon.com. Now go bake something and invite me for lunch.

Speaking of baking, we received a surprise thankyou gift today from Sam’s Aunt Adie in California, who sent a box of homemade biscotti (see below) in exchange for the note cards she won in our New Year Giveaway. This was a truly brilliant and inspired idea, Adie, because biscotti is my all-time favorite vegetable right after Mongolian Chicken. Please feel free to enter every Howdygram giveaway for the rest of your life.

Thank you for reading this!

A day without Sam.

When Sam’s not here I frequently get into a lot of mischief. Mostly this refers to shopping online, which kept me busy until 3 this morning. I blew a wad of dough (no pun intended) at The Prepared Pantry for a supply of our favorite New York Rye and Black Russian bread machine mixes, bought a highlighted wig (on sale) plus a bottle of styling goo from Paula Young, and came dangerously close to hitting the “submit order” button on Overstock.com for the following essential products: 1) $145 worth of oversized Egyptian cotton bath towels; 2) a pair of coordinating tub mats; 3) a stainless steel Oster convection/toaster oven that’s BIG ENOUGH TO BAKE A 12-INCH PIZZA; 4) a set of four stupid overpriced red mixing bowls; and 5) 3.4 oz. of Calvin Klein Euphoria spray perfume.

In retrospect, bread and fake hair should be more than enough shopping fun for one day. I didn’t really need those last five products, anyway, although new towels would be swell. And the tub mats.

As I write this post Sam is in Houston eating lunch at a sushi restaurant on the Katy Freeway service road and says he plans to head for home afterwards. It’s a 4½-hour drive — about 250 miles — which means he’ll be pulling into the garage around 5:30 p.m., which gives me just enough time to finish my leftover Chinese food, fold a load of laundry, design a postcard mailer for one of my clients and then go back to Overstock for those Egyptian cotton towels. And the tub mats. Plus the perfume (maybe).

Hey, did anybody see a news story this morning about Jimmy Buffett? I think the poor guy finally wasted away in Margaritaville ... he fell off a 12-foot outdoor stage in Sydney and cracked his head. I’m hoping it was a fundraiser for Nose Plugs for Australia (see post).

Thank you for reading this.

Internet shopportunities for everybody.

I’m still at it. Still finding bargains. Still shopping. Today’s landmark haul included an OXO pastry brush from JR.com, a jumbo laundry hamper on wheels from Hayneedle.com and new black cane from Costco.com. This is so damn exciting I can hardly stand it. The pastry brush and hamper are pictured below. (I’m sure you can guess what a cane looks like.)

In case you’re wondering how come I suddenly need a pastry brush, it’s because I plan to start making focaccia in my bread machine as soon as possible, which involves squishing raw dough onto a round baking pan and brushing it with olive oil and herbs. I bought four focaccia mixes last week from The Prepared Pantry. Incidentally, if you own a bread machine (or even if you just like to bake) you need to check out this website. They have EVERYTHING.

In other news, a 58-year-old man in Palm Beach, Florida, led security guards on a low-speed chase yesterday when he stole 11 packages of meat from a Winn-Dixie supermarket and tried to make his getaway riding a 3 m.p.h. electric shopping cart. Louis “Mario Andretti” Lorensen, pictured at right, was cornered by store employees in the parking lot after running over the foot of a four-year-old boy who didn’t get out of the way in time. He also threatened police during his arrest. I, for one, use electric shopping carts quite frequently, and even though they’re lots of fun (the ones at Wal-Mart even have horns you can beep) you can’t drive them at ramming speed and they’re definitely not appropriate for eluding police. I can move faster than that on my feet ... even with a cane. Although I rarely find it necessary to elude police.

Thank you for reading this.

Saturday achievements throughout the house.

Aren’t Saturdays delicious? I started my day at the crack of 11 with Sam out in the back yard planting ornamental grasses and pansies around the base of our new Oklahoma redbud tree and my premier loaf of New York rye underway in our new bread machine. This is so much fun I can hardly stand it. The bread mix (one of many that I ordered from The Prepared Pantry) even came with an unexpected yet impressive packet of OPTIONAL CARAWAY SEEDS. (We love caraway seeds.) Concurrently I also hard-boiled six eggs, wrote a few annual holiday letters and made the bed, not necessarily in that order. As the crowning glory of my afternoon I plan to watch Tiger Woods — who’s 15 under par and on top of the leaderboard for the first time in months — at the Chevron World Challenge while I eat rye bread, cheese and Greek olives with Sam.

I have the perfect life. Somebody peel me a grape.

News bulletin. Tonight at 5:15 (Central time) everybody should plan to watch “The Thin Man” on TCM because it’s probably the best William Powell and Myrna Loy movie ever made. I seriously hope you’re having as much fun today as I am. Thank you for reading this.

The shopping frenzy continues.

Seriously, this doesn’t happen around here very often. Sam and I are NOT indiscriminate spenders, and we don’t have a houseful of useless crap like most people. (Although I do have a surprisingly large number of scented candles in my dresser drawers and strongly believe that a person can never own too many sheets, this is probably a topic for a future post. Or maybe a therapist.)

The point is, for the last few days I’ve been actively involved in an online shopping spree in order to take advantage of everybody’s insanely low holiday prices. So far my purchases have included: 1) the Breville panini press I mentioned a couple of days ago; 2) an Oster breadmaker (pictured below) from Overstock.com; 3) one dozen  breadmaker mixes from The Prepared Pantry; 4) an electric knife so I can cut my homemade bread into neat slices that fit into the panini press; 5) the first three seasons of “Seinfeld” on DVD from Amazon.com so Sam and I can eat paninis and watch reruns; and 6) two books of stamps from USPS.com because you’d have to be NUTS to go near a post office at this time of year.

Incidentally, anybody who wants to come over for homemade bread should just send me an email and we’ll work it out somehow, even if we don’t know who you are.

And now it’s time for bed ... at last. I’ve been awake all night because I took an unfortunately-timed nap on the couch after dinner. I wish I had more self-control where this kind of thing is concerned, but our family room furniture is stuffed with ether and I’m finished the minute I put my feet up. Sam too. Shalom to everybody and please floss.