Everything you’ve always wanted to know about the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

Howdy from north Texas. I’m not feeling especially chatty at the moment because I ran out of cake and can’t figure out what to eat for dinner, so I thought I’d share a few important events from this date in history for your possible interest.

• January 18, 1803. President Thomas Jefferson requests funds from Congress to pay for the Lewis and Clark Expedition. Jefferson recruited his personal secretary, Meriwether Lewis, to lead the exploration and asked him to figure out how much money he would require for the trip. The final tally came to $2,500, which Lewis requested mostly in American Express traveler’s checks and Target gift cards. The largest expense was $696 for gifts to the Indians that included Ginsu knives, ThighMaster exercisers and “Wayne Newton Sings Gospel Favorites.”
• January 18, 1882. A.A. Milne, creator of Winnie-the Pooh, is born in Hampstead, England. Milne’s only son, Christopher Robin, was born in 1920, and shortly thereafter the family bought a small farm in Sussex that inspired the 100-Acre Wood where Winnie-the-Pooh’s stories would be set. Milne died in 1956 clutching a stuffed animal.

• January 18, 1912. British explorer Robert Falcon Scott arrives at the South Pole after a difficult journey. Traveling from base camp, their motor sleds broke down, ponies had to be shot, and the dog teams were sent back as Scott and four companions continued on foot. They reached the pole on January 18 only to find that over-achiever Roald Amundsen of Norway had preceded them by more than a month. Shlepping back to base camp they ran out of Cheez Whiz, their Ding-Dongs froze, and Scott and the remaining survivors were trapped for four weeks by a severe storm. Their bodies were recovered eight months later.
• January 18, 1975. Barry Manilow’s first pop hit, “Mandy,” reaches the Top 40 charts. Manilow would go on to sell more than 75 million records over the course of his storied career, which has included 367 Botox injections and concert dates at every Indian casino on the planet.

I’ve made a decision at last. It’s bean soup for dinner and a nice bagel, all preceded by a hot shower because my hands are cold. Thanks for stopping by, okay? Give my regards to the family.

Mobsters, dim sum and Raisinets.

I thought it might be worthwhile to write a quick post before I go to sleep. I’m not exactly tired at the moment and it always helps me unwind if I horse around with the Howdygram for a little while. First, here’s a really cute video clip from YouTube for your possible interest. (Sam and I both got a kick out of this.)



And now, three unforgettable events from this date in history!

• December 26, 1946. Mobster Bugsy Siegel opens the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas. Comedian Jimmy Durante was the headliner with music by Cuban band leader Xavier Cugat. A crowd of Siegel’s Hollywood pals showed up, too, including actors George Raft, George Sanders, Sonny Tufts and George Jessel. Unfortunately, the grand opening flopped due to seriously crappy weather, the casino lost $300,000 its first week and Bugsy wound up in deep doo-doo. (I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.)
• December 26, 1973. Legendary horror film The Exorcist opens. Based on the novel by William Peter Blatty, the movie starred Linda Blair as a 12-year-old girl named Regan who’s possessed by a demon. When her freaked-out mother (played by Ellen Burstyn) finally decides to contact a priest, he recommends performing an exorcism, during which Regan’s head spins 360°, her body levitates and she projectile vomits green bile. The Exorcist earned a reputation as one of the most terrifying movies in history. (Popcorn sales sucked and nobody bought Raisinets, either.)

• December 26, 2004. A magnitude 9.3 earthquake — the second-largest in recorded history — off the coast of Indonesia triggers a deadly tsunami that killed an estimated 230,000 people from Southeast Asia to the coast of Africa. The quake lasted almost ten full minutes, triggering other earthquakes as far away as Alaska and causing the entire planet to shift on its axis. Holy crap.

In case you’re interested, Sam and I had a pleasant, typically Jewish Christmas yesterday. We drove to Hong Kong Royal for dim sum, fondly recalling that classic scene from A Christmas Story when the family winds up at a Chinese restaurant (pictured below) on Christmas and the waiters are singing “Deck the Hors with Boughs of Horry” as they whack off the head of a Peking duck.

Pass the soy sauce and thank you for reading this.

Breaking news from Texas.

I know everybody’s been dying to read the latest chapter of Marcy’s Adventures in Diabetesland, so I’m pleased to report that my most recent medication change to injectable Victoza is working out nicely and my blood sugar numbers are in the normal range now. Feel free to applaud if you want to. Thank you.

Guess what Sam and I did yesterday. WE WENT BACK TO THE CHOCTAW CASINO AND WON BIG MONEY AGAIN. As a matter of fact, I walked into the main entrance, sat down at the first penny slot machine I saw and won $11.90 on a 15¢ investment just waiting for Sam to park the car. Then I collected $42.50 from a screwy penny slot called Cash Wizard that kept awarding bonus rounds. At one point I’d won 45 CONSECUTIVE FREE SPINS while the speaker blasted several hundred choruses of the 1970s hit “It’s Magic” by Pilot. By the time we left Sam had cashed in more than $110 in vouchers and my ear drums had exploded.

In case you’re interested, the casino’s buffet was exceptionally good yesterday, too. We even pay half-price because we’ve got Players Club cards — which the casino gives out for free. I love free things.

For those of you wondering whatever happened to our new family room furniture, we’re still hoping for delivery sometime next week. The only piece missing is the right half of our sectional; the left half, Sam’s leather arm chair and the matching ottoman are already in stock. I CAN’T WAIT TO TAKE A NAP ON MY NEW SOFA. Stay tuned for more details as well as a comprehensive nap update.

October 15 is a date to remember for the following excellent reasons: 

• 1863. The Confederate spy submarine C.S.S. Hunley sinks during a test run, killing its inventor and a crew of seven idiots.
• 1917. World War I’s floozy spy Mata Hari is executed by a French firing squad. She was actually a Dutch citizen named Margaretha Geertruida Zelle who traveled around Europe disguised as an Asian stripper. It was an excellent disguise (see below).
• 1965. First Viet Nam war draft card is burned. 
• 2007. Drew Carey becomes host of “The Price Is Right.”

Thank you for reading this.

Summer heat and the latest Jobs report.

There’s not much to do around here this week except roll a mountain of coins and watch the thermometer climb. It was 99° today in the Dallas area -— hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk if you don’t mind the bugs and grime. Me, I just stay inside when the weather’s like this.

On this date in 1692 a massive earthquake and tsunami destroyed the depraved, pirate-infested town of Port Royal, Jamaica. For an exposé on pre-earthquake living conditions in Port Royal you should take a look at Errol Flynn’s masterpiece, Captain Blood. Also ... on this date in 1962 Credit Suisse opened the first drive-through bank in Zurich, Switzerland, and in 1937 actress Jean Harlow died of kidney failure at the age of 26.

And now you’re all caught up on history.

In other news, acclaimed visionary — and my personal god — Steve Jobs took the stage yesterday at San Francisco’s Moscone Center to introduce the Mac’s new “Lion” operating system and Apple’s new iCloud service. Unfortunately, at the moment Jobs is looking skinner than the latest iPod and he’s scaring me half to death.

The Howdygram has launched an official program to send Steve an ongoing supply of Twinkies and In-N-Out Burger gift cards. Click here if you’d like to contribute.

Thank you for reading this and don’t forget to enter our contest.

A March 1 retrospective.

It’s the first day of a brand new month, so the Howdygram would like to wish you an Extremely Happy March as we provide the following information for your amusement and education. This is great stuff and I think you’ll be impressed as hell.

The Salem Witch Hunt Begins (1692). In Salem Village in the Massachusetts Bay Colony, two women named Sarah and a creepy Indian slave from Barbados are accused of practicing witchcraft after a pastor’s young daughters are afflicted by fits. With the help of several extremely stupid adults and the diagnosis of a quack doctor, the girls’ ailments are blamed on witchcraft and they all begin to point out suspected witches. During the following few months more than 150 women and men from Salem Village are accused, tried and executed. Incriminating evidence included making a neighbor’s pie crust fall apart, having green eyes, or if a possum sits on your doorstep when it’s raining. Those wacky, wacky Puritans.

Yellowstone National Park Established (1872). On this date in 1872 President Ulysses S. Grant signed a bill creating the first national park at Yellowstone, consisting of 1,221,773 acres of public land straddling the future states of Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho. The region had been mostly unknown (unless you’re a Native American) until after the Civil War, when exploration parties in 1869 and 1870 returned to Washington, D.C. with stories about exploding geysers, gurgling mud pots and herds of wildlife. In 1871 a government geologist named Ferdinand Hayden shlepped a photographer and artist on a third expedition, and the images they brought home sealed Yellowstone’s fate as a protected wilderness for all Americans. The first souvenir stand with hotdogs was built in 1875.

Lindbergh Baby Kidnapped (1932). It was a crime that riveted the entire nation when the 20-month-old son of aviation hero Charles Lindbergh was kidnapped on this date in 1932 from the family’s home in Hopewell, New Jersey. After paying $70,000 ransom the Lindberghs were led on a wild goose chase to recover their son from a boat off the coast of Massachusetts, but the baby’s body eventually was discovered less than a mile away from their home. Two years later a marked bill from the ransom money turned up at a gas station and police arrested German immigrant Bruno Hauptmann, who was later tried and executed for the kidnapping. The moral of the story is, you should always pay for gas with an ATM card.

Mickey Mantle Retires (1969). Legendary New York Yankees center-fielder Mickey Mantle retired on this date in 1969. During his 17-year career with the Yankees (1951 to 1968) the team won 12 American League pennants and seven World Series. You can buy a 1965 Topps Mickey Mantle #350 Baseball Card on eBay for $195, but Howdygram financial experts recommend investing in something of real value from our Boutique, like maybe a mouse pad. Thank you.

Remembering Valentine's Day.

First of all, Happy Valentine’s Day from all of us at the Howdygram! Hope you have something fun planned today. I’m going to do a heap of laundry, make homemade chicken barley soup and watch Here Comes Mr. Jordan with Robert Montgomery and Claude Rains. It’s a full life.

And now, here are some famous events that occured on February 14 in other years.

The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre (1929). Four of Al Capone’s goons disguised as police officers entered gangster Bugs Moran’s headquarters on North Clark Street in Chicago, lined seven of Moran’s henchmen against a wall and shot them to death with machine guns. This was the high spot of an ongoing gang war.

The Discovery of Penicillin (1929). Bacteriologist Sir Alexander Fleming’s accidental discovery led to one of the great developments of modern medicine. He left a plate of staphylococcus bacteria uncovered in his lab and later noticed that a blob of mold had fallen on the culture and killed most of the bacteria. He identified the mold as a strain similar to the kind found on old bread and named it “penicillin.” Personally, I would’ve named it “pumpernickel.”

California Begins Exporting Oranges (1886). The first trainload of oranges grown by southern California farmers leaves Los Angeles via the transcontinental railroad. This must have been quite a big hoo-hah in L.A., which was still a small town of 48,000 with no smog, no traffic and no nail salons. At least they had decent citrus fruit.

Thank you for reading this.

Important stuff you should know.

I haven’t posted in this category for a long time ... way back in August when I wrote about Remembering Krakatoa. I’m long overdue, and here’s what you’ve been waiting for. I hope.

Theologian, musician, philosopher and Nobel Prize-winning physician Albert Schweitzer was born on this date in 1875 in Upper-Alsace, Germany. Schweitzer was the ultimate over-achiever. Initially attracted to missionary work, he first earned a Ph.D. in Theology and then toured professionally as a concert organist to put himself through medical school. After earning his M.D. Schweitzer and his wife moved to Equatorial Africa and founded a hospital to treat lepers and victims of African sleeping-sickness. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1952 for his lifelong philosophy that all human life deserves to be respected and loved. He also had one hell of a mustache.

Also ... Marilyn Monroe and baseball legend Joe DiMaggio were married on this date in 1954. Their union lasted 274 days but actually started to fall apart while they were still honeymooning. Apparently DiMaggio, who was clearly no Albert Schweitzer, became insanely jealous that Marilyn was receiving so much attention from men. No kidding ... he didn’t notice this BEFORE he married her?

And finally, on this date in 1943 Franklin Roosevelt became the first president to travel by air on official U.S. business. Already a frail 60 years old, in the midst of World War II Roosevelt flew halfway around the world on a Boeing 314 called the “Dixie Clipper” to meet with Winston Churchill in Casablanca, Morocco. The secret 17,000-mile round trip took four days each way with stopovers in the Caribbean, Brazil and Gambia. Sightseeing in Casablanca included drinks at Rick’s Cafe and a quick mombo with Ingrid Bergman. Nobody lost Roosevelt’s luggage.

I’m going to take an extremely hot shower now because I’m freezing. If that doesn’t work I’ll probably go sit in the closet and run my industrial-size clothes steamer for a while. Seriously, that sentence isn’t really as weird as it sounds. The walk-in closet in our master bedroom is big enough to sleep a family of four and we have a huge upholstered bench in there so we can sit down to put on shoes and socks. Our closet is actually quite a comfortable destination aside from the fact that it has no snack bar or windows. Thank you for reading this.

Remembering Krakatoa.

For all of you volcano buffs out there, today marks the 127th anniversary of the massive eruption on the island of Krakatoa, one of the largest natural disasters EVER and so loud the explosions were heard 3,000 miles away in Australia. According to Wikipedia (the ultimate source of all knowledge unless you have a library card), the volcanic force on Krakatoa virtually destroyed the entire island and was equivalent to 200 megatons of TNT — about 13,000 times the nuclear yield of the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima, Japan, at the end of World War II. For more on this subject you can always rent the disaster movie Krakatoa, East of Java, which was released in 1969 starring Brian Keith, Sal Mineo, Diane Baker and Maximillian Schell, but I’m not sure I’d trust this Hollywood dud for historical accuracy since Krakatoa is actually WEST of Java, not east, and the movie’s idiotic main theme song is a Beach Boys knockoff called “Java Girl.” (I’m serious.)

In other news, tomorrow Sam and I are taking a drive up north to Treeland, a 30-acre tree nursery in Gunter, Texas, to pick out something wonderful for our back yard. We’ve pretty much decided on the “Shoal Creek Vitex,” also known as the “Texas Lilac” (see below), because it’s the perfect size and the fragrance is fabulous. Sam and I can’t wait to sit on the patio and smell our yard.

I’m going to eat a honeydew melon and watch an Olivia deHavilland movie now. Thank you for reading this.