Flushing has nothing whatsoever to do with toilets.

I’ve got another medication update for you. Sort of a Holy Crap Report, chapter three. Dumping the cholesterol drug Atorvastatin on Tuesday has eliminated yet another grotesque side effect — aside from the crippling muscle pain in my back and legs — NO MORE BURNING HOT HANDS AND FEET! I always thought the hot hands and feet thing was a form of diabetic neuropathy, but it wasn’t. I learned yesterday that Atorvastatin lists “flushing” — which has nothing whatsoever to do with toilets or a city in New York — as one of its primary side effects, and in my case it was so severe that my extremities felt like they were on fire at night. No prescription medication on earth is worth horseshit like this, people! Had I known that Atorvastatin was responsible for so much of my misery I would have stopped taking it a long time ago. At 114 my cholesterol level is just fine, thank you, and I don’t need drugs to keep it as low as that. As a matter of fact, even before I started taking Atorvastatin it was still in the normal range (about 18o-something), which means I basically endured a year of horror for NOTHING.

On the plus side, I feel AMAZING now. My back and legs don’t hurt, I can stand up and walk around the house without pain, my hands and feet don’t feel like they’re on fire, and as a bonus I also get to dump my prescription sleep aid (Trazodone) because I only needed it to mask the agony of Atorvastatin! Life can be swell sometimes, can’t it?

I hope you like my Valentine’s Day graphic. For the most part this is an accurate representation except I have brown eyes and don’t own pink slippers. For your possible interest the mug contains sugar-free Howdygram juice.

I think I need a nap. Try not to make too much noise for a while, okay? Maybe you should go play outside.