Here’s breaking news from your official Howdygram remote correspondent to the Winter Olympics! Some of today’s significant stories from Vancouver include:
- Shani Davis did not medal in the 5,000 meter race. This certainly was no huge surprise to anybody after the U.S. speedskater was caught on camera spitting and yawning less than 60 seconds before the event began. His roommate in the Olympic Village says Shani also forgot to make his bed.
- There are way too many Austrians in the ski jump events. I learned today that many of these athletes continue jumping well into their 30s because “the money is still there.” My question is, who the hell keeps paying these people to jump off mountains? Does anybody in Austria ever get a real job?
- U.S. figure skater Johnny Weir is scared. He had to hire extra security after receiving snotty emails and threatening letters from activists because he likes to wear fur on his costumes. Frankly, this story ranks very high on my Who Gives A Crap List. Sure, the fur looks stupid, but I don’t think you have to hire a hitman or anything.
And now, in honor of the Chinese New Year, I’m going to order in a pile of food and celebrate the Year of the Egg Roll. Thank you for reading this.
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