Conspiracy theorists are paranoid schizophrenic poop-heads.

In this post: Disruptions, Einstein Award, upcoming events.

Our remodeling contractor (Clayton) will be here tomorrow at 11 a.m. to take apart the shower in our master bathroom and repair the damage from a water leak behind the marble bench. I’ll try to be as brave as possible about this, but I usually have a nervous breakdown if something disturbs my privacy and afternoon nap. Clayton and his helper will be here Thursday, too. I might have to blow my brains out.

My last post featured a Putz of the Week; this one highlights a new Official Howdygram Einstein Award! Meet Michael McGuire, a dimwit who’s trying to drum up support on Twitter for the idiotic “chemtrail” conspiracy theory, which claims that the condensation trails (contrails) left behind by high-flying jets are really nefarious substances sprayed by government agents to control and/or poison American citizens. Seriously.

Conspiracy theorists like McGuire are actually harassing and threatening meteorologists and their families for daring “to take them on” with science. And McGuire thinks it’s a great idea to aim laser beams at the cockpits of aircraft.

Here’s a news flash for you, Einstein. It’s a FEDERAL CRIME to aim a laser beam at an aircraft, punishable with up to five years in prison, and they’ll charge your stupid ass with TERRORISM if it crashes! Maybe if you’d spend a little energy studying actual science instead of spreading all this insane horseshit on the Internet, you might not be a paranoid schizophrenic poop-head. Just a thought.

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I’ve just decided: I think Sam and I should visit the LBJ Presidential Library at the University of Texas campus in Austin. We had such a good time a couple of years ago at the Clinton Library in Little Rock that I know LBJ’s will be worth the trip. Austin is 207 miles from Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite and there are lots of nice hotels in the area if we decide to stay overnight. Pictured below are Lady Bird and LBJ posing in front of the library when it was still under construction in 1971. LBJ is the one with the hat.

Mark your calendars, people, for a couple of important upcoming events. The Masters at Augusta National — minus PGA drama queen Tiger Woods due to a crappy back — begins on Thursday, April 10, and the annual Passover matzo-fest starts at sundown on Monday, April 14. Tiger has been nominated for a Golden Globe for his riveting performance as the only golfer in history who’s ever had an “owie.”

Thank you for reading this.