Saturday, February 15, 2014

Hey, Jeremy. You stink.

In this post: Sunshine, Spam, Jeremy Abbott.

Happy Saturday, boys and girls! It’s a glorious morning here at Howdygram headquarters, featuring: 1) warm weather and sunshine; 2) a pantry full of Vienna sausages; 3) Sam is coming home from California tomorrow; and 4) MY KNEES DON’T HURT FOR THE SECOND CONSECUTIVE DAY. I don’t know if item 4 is related to item 1 but I’m definitely feeling damn good right now. I’d celebrate with a cartwheel except there’s nobody here to call 911 afterwards.

And now it’s time for the Howdygram’s Olympics spotlight to shine once again on figure skater Jeremy Abbott, America’s official Clydesdale-on-ice, who apparently lashed out at his critics yesterday with a middle finger and a “big F-you.”

Abbott fell hard in his short program on Thursday and finished in 15th place. ABBOTT FALLS ALL THE TIME. He ended up 9th four years ago in Vancouver, and — despite winning the U.S. Nationals — doesn’t have a World Championships medal because HE STINKS whenever the pressure’s on. Abbott told reporters, “They’ve never stood in my shoes. They’ve never had to do what I’ve had to do. Nobody has to stand center ice in front of a million people and put an entire career on the line for eight minutes of their life. And if you think that that’s not hard, then you’re a damn idiot.”
Sorry, Jeremy, but if your “career” involves competing in front of an audience — and you land on your ass every time you compete — maybe you’d better consider another line of work. This jerk has a lot of nerve telling America “F-you” when he just loused up his second Olympics for Team U.S.A. Your 15 minutes of fame are officially over, Jeremy. TAKE YOUR DAMN SKATES AND GO HOME ALREADY.

Hey. Know what’s on the menu for breakfast this morning? SPAM AND SCRAMBLED EGGS! I’ve had my first-ever can of bacon Spam staring at me in the kitchen for the last week and a half and haven’t tried it yet.
I’m guessing that Spam could turn out to be a MIRACLE FOOD for me due to my ongoing taste disorder. It’s high in protein and really salty, which is a perfect combination when your taste buds are dead. I’m so excited I might pop a gasket. Thank you for reading this.

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