Grilled cheese, sugar-free pickles and a Walter Pidgeon movie on the side.

So here’s the story tonight from Howdygram headquarters. Sam called about an hour ago to let me know he’ll be stuck at the office until 4 a.m. Tuesday morning because a group of clients are in-house to work on a steaming pile of urgent crapola and intend to stay for 48 hours without clean socks or taking a shower. I’m not joking. Nobody would ever joke about something like this. On the plus side, though, Sam said he ordered dinner from Pei Wei, and everybody knows that Chinese food is always the answer.

I wonder if he had the pad thai. That’s his favorite.

From our Tacky Snacks Department comes this heartbreaking news from Sacramento, California, where bankrupt Hostess Brands, Inc., manufacturer of acrylic Twinkies, foam rubber cupcakes and other iconic treats, has been crippled by a labor strike over the company’s proposed 8% wage cut, a 32% reduction in health benefits and increased work hours. While the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union is having a cow, Hostess CEO Grey Rayburn promises the strike ultimately will force the company to close its doors. Bottom line: BETTER BUY YOUR TWINKIES BEFORE FRIDAY. Thank you.

A little closer to home, in response to President Obama’s re-election it seems that 25,000 local yahoos have signed a petition demanding that Texas secede from the United States, triggering a hilarious blog post on the Dallas Observer’s website asking to clarify the basic logistics of secession in case a few of us would rather not live in a nation run by the holy gunslinger, Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry, pictured below. I added a few questions of my own to the Dallas Observer’s list. Enjoy.

1. Will I need a passport to get into America?
2. Will we get our own paper currency with Rick Perry holding a uterus on it?
3. Can my child carry a gun to preschool?
4. Is not wearing the mandatory Texas flag shirt punishable by death, or just life in prison?
5. Is it going to cost 25,000 frequent flier miles to get to Albuquerque now?
6. What will we bomb next once we’re done with all the Planned Parentoods?
7. Can I drink in church?
8. Will there be legitimate rape?
9. When I retire, how much should I count on getting from Texas in Social Security? If not much, can I self-deport to America?
10. Will I die at the Alamo? What if I don’t want to die at the Alamo? Can I self-deport to America?
11. Will state troopers wear coonskin caps? Can I self-deport to America?
12. If Texas is its own country, will I have to learn the language?
13. Can I shoot my neighbors?
14. Will the Texas Bill of Rights include Viagra?
15. Will there be chicken-fried pasta?
16. I’ll still get cable, right? If not, can this wait until the next season of “Mad Men” is over?
17. Will I have to purchase my own transvaginal probe wand, or will one be provided for me at reduced cost?
18. Is Chuck Norris the Vice President or the Secretary of Defense?
19. Can we force the IRS to give Willie Nelson his money back?
20. We’ll have excessive banjos in the national anthem, right?
21. If I duck-tape a truck bed to the back, can I keep my Prius?
22. Will we still have to pick up our dog’s poop or can we just shoot it for target practice?
23. Can we bring back mailmen on horseback? That was cool.
24. Will we be able to import Coors Light?

To amuse myself tonight in Sam’s absence I decided to engage in my two favorite hobbies: 1) eating things; and 2) buying things. So far item 1 has included Coke Zero, a teeny bowl of hummus and some Lowrey’s hot & spicy bacon curls. Item 2, accomplished at Wal-Mart.com, involves the excellent merchandise illustrated below, purchased mostly in multiples (i.e., four toothpastes, two deodorants, etc.) to qualify for free shipping.

I also placed a small order with Amazon because I didn’t want them to feel neglected. The 24-oz. jar of McCormick’s Taco Seasoning is the same powdery crap they also sell in packets except the jar is a lot cheaper. (I use it for homemade dip. I love dip.) The pan is nonstick lasagna-size by Wilton that measures 14½" x 11" and I’ll use it for little chickens. I don’t make lasagna because I have diabetes. Please send an email if you feel sorry for me.

I think I’d better eat some real food before my blood sugar gets too low. Hummus and bacon curls don’t exactly qualify. I’m considering a grilled cheese on low-carb wheat bread and sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles with a Walter Pidgeon movie on the side. Thank you for reading this.

The Great Twinkie Bailout of 2012.

I woke up two hours ago with a song in my head, a screwy yet catchy thing called “Oh What a Horse Was Charlie” from the movie Going Places (1938) starring Dick Powell, Louis Armstrong and a horse. Ronald Reagan had a non-singing bit part that included two (too many) lines of dialog.

The plot is actually really stupid and really funny at the same time. Powell is a sporting goods salesman who attends a snooty steeplechase event pretending to be an Australian jockey (seriously) and gets conned into riding a wild horse named Jeepers Creepers in the big race. Poor Louis Armstrong — already a huge international star at this point — is badly cast as a stable boy who serenades the horse, obviously the studio’s attempt to introduce Johnny Mercer’s big hit song (“Jeepers Creepers”) and humiliate Armstrong at the same time. Here, for your possible amusement, is a video clip in case you think I’m making this up.


Before I forget ... happy new year from your pals at the Howdygram! I always make an effort to keep track of the basics even though Sam and I are not religious or observant except for matzo balls. For instance, I know that Rosh Hashanah begins tomorrow at sundown (mazel tov) and Yom Kippur is September 25 and 26.

Breaking news from the world of cheap and tasteless snacks! Apparently Hostess Brands, teetering on the edge of demise, has asked a bankruptcy judge to force the baker’s union to accept a revised contract with substantial cuts in pay and health benefits so Twinkies and Ding-Dongs can live a long and happy life at the expense of 18,500 employees.

Personally, I never cared much for Twinkies. Even as a kid I thought they tasted like polyester. My favorite was always Hostess SnoBalls, but that was half a century ago before the marshmallow chewed like rubber and nobody dyed the damn things pink. Maybe somebody should put this company out of its misery already.

I think I’ll go back to bed for a while and annoy Sam. Thank you for reading this!

Announcing new Fancy Feast Twinkies ... coming soon to a store near you!

So here are my three options for Wednesday afternoon: 1) take a nap; 2) eat something; or 3) write a post. Obviously I chose number three, although one and two are up next on my agenda but not necessarily in that order.

Breaking news for junk food fanatics! Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Hostess Brands has decided to promote chocolate-filled Twinkies, their popular but crappy acrylic-blend bakery snack, to a full-time year-round product. Apparently chocolate-filled Twinkies were offered on a limited basis last spring and received “an overwhelmingly positive consumer response.” Hostess has to be making this up because their anemic chocolate filling that’s pictured below clearly looks like Fancy Feast cat food and I find it hard to believe that anybody would eat this crap.

A reader’s comment at the end of the article said too bad Hostess didn’t use chocolate sponge cake for chocolate-filled Twinkies, and another responded, “That would be called a Ho-Ho.” Some people have way too much time on their hands.

Holy crap and glorioski! I just received a major shipment from Amazon.com that included three gigantic 40 oz. jars of PETER PAN CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER, six bags of MIRACLE RICE and a SERRATED DISHWASHER-SAFE PIE SERVER. Tomorrow I’m expecting three bottles of Downy Unstopables, six canisters of Yehuda Matzo Farfel and a dozen boxes of Chicken Noodle Lipton Cup-A-Soup. In case you’re wondering, my order for three family-size canisters of Manischewitz Potato Pancake Mix hasn’t shipped yet. I promise to provide updates as they become available so please plan to check back often.

You may recall a couple of weeks ago when I ordered a 12-pack carton of those new blue “Powermint” TicTacs. Unfortunately these strange little things don’t resemble real breath mints in any way whatsoever. It took a couple of days to try and figure out the actual flavor, but I think I’ve finally nailed it: HALL’S MENTHOLYPTUS COUGH DROPS. I’m switching back to Wintergreen as soon as possible.

Ah, nap time at last! Thank you for reading this.

Medical puzzles and a special 80th birthday.

Before I get off on one of my expected tangents, I went to the doctor yesterday and want to take a minute to share a late-breaking medical update. My lab test results are in. The good news is, my blood glucose, cholesterol, trigycerides, kidneys and liver are all excellent, which is a huge relief when you’re diabetic. Unfortunately, I also learned that I’m “severely anemic” (almost to the point of needing a BLOOD TRANSFUSION), my thryoid gland isn’t functioning and my iron level is extremely low. I have to go back to the doctor next week for additional tests so we can figure out what to do next. Let me add that I looked up all of these conditions on WebMD.com and honestly don’t think I’ve got any of the symptoms except for fatigue. For instance, other common indicators of anemia can include difficulty concentrating, dizziness, pale skin, leg cramps, dementia, hallucinations, and hunger for strange substances such as paper, ice, or dirt (I’m not joking about this). As far as I know, I haven’t exhibited any signs of advanced lunacy or cravings for cardstock kebabs. I’ll post again after my next doctor appointment and let y’all know what’s happening.

Incidentally, this morning for the very first time I experienced hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) ... probably because I accidentally took an extra dose of diabetes medication yesterday. It started at 3 a.m. when I woke up disoriented in a clammy sweat with heart palpatations, so I lurched into the kitchen and shoveled a bunch of raisins into my mouth. This happened two more times through early afternoon with increasing intensity but finally subsided. Low blood sugar is a scary thing. Sam was so freaked out he offered to stay home from work, but I convinced him that I had plenty of emergency raisins on hand and just wanted to lie down and take a nap. Nobody has to stay home from work to watch me do THAT.

In other news, Hostess Twinkies are celebrating their 80th birthday today. Twinkies were invented in 1930 in Chicago by Hostess’ bakery manager James Dewar; Margaret Branco, the original “Twinkie stuffer,” filled each cake individually using a foot-pedal operated machine. It’s common knowledge that today’s Hostess Twinkies bear no resemblance to the original creation, as they’re currently made of rubberized polyester filled with whipped caulk. We recommend that you eat a Clif bar instead. Thank you for reading this.