Announcing new Fancy Feast Twinkies ... coming soon to a store near you!

So here are my three options for Wednesday afternoon: 1) take a nap; 2) eat something; or 3) write a post. Obviously I chose number three, although one and two are up next on my agenda but not necessarily in that order.

Breaking news for junk food fanatics! Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Hostess Brands has decided to promote chocolate-filled Twinkies, their popular but crappy acrylic-blend bakery snack, to a full-time year-round product. Apparently chocolate-filled Twinkies were offered on a limited basis last spring and received “an overwhelmingly positive consumer response.” Hostess has to be making this up because their anemic chocolate filling that’s pictured below clearly looks like Fancy Feast cat food and I find it hard to believe that anybody would eat this crap.

A reader’s comment at the end of the article said too bad Hostess didn’t use chocolate sponge cake for chocolate-filled Twinkies, and another responded, “That would be called a Ho-Ho.” Some people have way too much time on their hands.

Holy crap and glorioski! I just received a major shipment from Amazon.com that included three gigantic 40 oz. jars of PETER PAN CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER, six bags of MIRACLE RICE and a SERRATED DISHWASHER-SAFE PIE SERVER. Tomorrow I’m expecting three bottles of Downy Unstopables, six canisters of Yehuda Matzo Farfel and a dozen boxes of Chicken Noodle Lipton Cup-A-Soup. In case you’re wondering, my order for three family-size canisters of Manischewitz Potato Pancake Mix hasn’t shipped yet. I promise to provide updates as they become available so please plan to check back often.

You may recall a couple of weeks ago when I ordered a 12-pack carton of those new blue “Powermint” TicTacs. Unfortunately these strange little things don’t resemble real breath mints in any way whatsoever. It took a couple of days to try and figure out the actual flavor, but I think I’ve finally nailed it: HALL’S MENTHOLYPTUS COUGH DROPS. I’m switching back to Wintergreen as soon as possible.

Ah, nap time at last! Thank you for reading this.