Medical puzzles and a special 80th birthday.

Before I get off on one of my expected tangents, I went to the doctor yesterday and want to take a minute to share a late-breaking medical update. My lab test results are in. The good news is, my blood glucose, cholesterol, trigycerides, kidneys and liver are all excellent, which is a huge relief when you’re diabetic. Unfortunately, I also learned that I’m “severely anemic” (almost to the point of needing a BLOOD TRANSFUSION), my thryoid gland isn’t functioning and my iron level is extremely low. I have to go back to the doctor next week for additional tests so we can figure out what to do next. Let me add that I looked up all of these conditions on WebMD.com and honestly don’t think I’ve got any of the symptoms except for fatigue. For instance, other common indicators of anemia can include difficulty concentrating, dizziness, pale skin, leg cramps, dementia, hallucinations, and hunger for strange substances such as paper, ice, or dirt (I’m not joking about this). As far as I know, I haven’t exhibited any signs of advanced lunacy or cravings for cardstock kebabs. I’ll post again after my next doctor appointment and let y’all know what’s happening.

Incidentally, this morning for the very first time I experienced hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) ... probably because I accidentally took an extra dose of diabetes medication yesterday. It started at 3 a.m. when I woke up disoriented in a clammy sweat with heart palpatations, so I lurched into the kitchen and shoveled a bunch of raisins into my mouth. This happened two more times through early afternoon with increasing intensity but finally subsided. Low blood sugar is a scary thing. Sam was so freaked out he offered to stay home from work, but I convinced him that I had plenty of emergency raisins on hand and just wanted to lie down and take a nap. Nobody has to stay home from work to watch me do THAT.

In other news, Hostess Twinkies are celebrating their 80th birthday today. Twinkies were invented in 1930 in Chicago by Hostess’ bakery manager James Dewar; Margaret Branco, the original “Twinkie stuffer,” filled each cake individually using a foot-pedal operated machine. It’s common knowledge that today’s Hostess Twinkies bear no resemblance to the original creation, as they’re currently made of rubberized polyester filled with whipped caulk. We recommend that you eat a Clif bar instead. Thank you for reading this.