Wednesday, July 3, 2013

It’s time to give up on the Olympics.

There’s a lot of hot breaking news to report tonight! The top stories from Howdygram headquarters are: 1) FedEx just dropped off our gigantic crate of sausages from Kreuz Market; 2) my lousy health issues are finally on the mend, including the lousy plantar fasciitis flare-up in my right heel and lousy joint pain due to an overdose of chia seeds; 3) I have 15 new fonts (see below); and 4) I can’t think of anything else.
In case you haven’t been paying attention, there was a coup today in Egypt! President Mohamed Morsi, pictured at right, has been placed under house arrest by throngs of screaming Egyptians, and Adly Mansour, head of Egypt’s Supreme Constitutional Court, is the new interim big cheese. Since I have no idea what the hell any of this means, the Howdygram’s official position will simply be HOLY CRAP until we can figure out what going on besides hysteria and cool fireworks.
From our Send in the Clowns department, on July 8 Governor Rick “Oops” Perry, the laughingstock of Texas, will announce his official 2016 run for the White House, thereby guaranteeing another landslide win for the Democrats and unlimited material for comedy writers from coast to coast.
I have no idea who’s advising this Einstein to get back onto the national stage, but it’s extremely clear here at home that the good people of Texas are sick of Rick Perry and his right-wing Christian Taliban. His message to America — providing he remembers the script — will be terrifying. Be sure to pay attention, okay?

Our foreign news desk reports that Islamist Chechen rebels have threatened to destroy, shit on and generally ruin the 2014 Olympics in Sochi, Russia, promising to use “every method provided by Allah” and “maximum force.” Know what? Any country that decides to show up for that debacle deserves what it gets. Islamic terrorists are deadly enough when we don’t know what they’re planning … can you imagine the mayhem when they announce this crap in advance? I wouldn’t go anywhere near that place, either as an athlete or a spectator. Good Lord.

Which brings me to my next point: I think it’s time to give up on the Olympics altogether. Host countries go bankrupt trying to outdo each other with outrageous infrastructure, the expense of massive stadiums, and venues for specific sports that nobody will ever use again. Plus there’s the security aspect, with morons and evildoers always threatening to pee in everybody’s Cheerios. I’m sick of the whole thing. Face it, does anybody really give a crap how fast some dude from Norway can hurl himself down the side of a mountain?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

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