Will the real Paula Deen please stand up?

I used to really like TV cooking shows, but not so much any more. The chefs are all a bunch of self-absorbed celebrities who think they’re big hoo-hahs. Eventually Emeril even had a pumped-up studio audience and a LIVE BAND, like he was Johnny Carson or something.

One of the most unwatchable TV chefs these days is Paula Deen, who has FOUR DIFFERENT COOKING SHOWS on the Food Network. She’s a sixty-something southern belle with an irritating, cackling laugh, voluminous diamonds on every finger, a tidal wave of dyed silver hair and the whitest veneers modern dentistry ever invented. Take a look at her before-and-after pictures from 2009 following a plastic surgery transformation and some intense Photoshop airbrushing. (Oy.)

Paula’s worst feature, however, is her RECIPES, and for this she earns the Howdygram’s latest Einstein Award. Everything this woman cooks is an artery-clogging monstrosity with wads of butter the size of a small child. To prove my point, here’s a video clip from one of her recent programs. I suggest you watch this with a shot of Pepto Bismol nearby.


In case you weren’t paying close attention to the video, Paula’s favorite heart attack sandwich is an oversized burger, a fried egg and three strips of bacon between TWO GLAZED DOUGNUTS.

Thank you for your attention. Don’t forget to floss.