Weather.com is a useless sack of poo.

In this post: Twisters, rants.

I’ve decided to report today’s activities with an easy-to-follow timeline because there’s so much going on around here I almost don’t know where to start. Thank you.

10:15 A.M. Can you hear it? RAIN AND THUNDER! Finally! This is the first really decent storm system with genuine heavy rain that we’ve had around here for MONTHS, and nobody deserves it more than drought-stricken Texas with the possible exception of Governor Rick Perry, our state’s highest-ranking halfwit, who deserves ABSOLUTELY NOTHING because he’s such an ignoramus. No rain for YOU, Rick Perry! In case you’re interested, the red star on the following map, which was accurate as of 11:10 a.m., indicates Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in a little I’m the senior citizen in the blue bathrobe waving from her desk. Don’t bother looking for Sam because he’s in the bathroom and I’m pretty sure he isn’t waving.

11:22 A.M. We’ve decided to eat lunch now. I’m doing leftovers, Sam wants tortilla chips and chili. His actually sounds better than mine so I might switch. I’d be willing to bet that you probably don’t give a crap about this, however.

3:09 P.M. I just woke up from my after-lunch nap, and you know what? WE HAVE A TORNADO WARNING! AT&T U-Verse does this frightfully loud beeping horn/alarm hoo-hah that interrupts anything you’re watching on TV — in my case, The Women (1939) starring Norma Shearer and Joan Crawford — and the announcer says there’s a tornado on the ground that’s heading for the part of Dallas County where Mesquite, Garland and Sunnyvale intersect. In other words: RUN FOR COVER, OLD LADY! THERE’S A TWISTER ON THE WAY TO HOWDYGRAM HEADQUARTERS! So I turn off the TV, grab my cell phone and huddle on the sofa in our master bedroom closet for the next 40 minutes with a flashlight while this enormous storm roars by. We didn’t get the twister but I’ll bet it was awfully damn close!

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And now, please bear with me for a couple of minutes while I piss in somebody’s Cheerios. I AM REALLY, REALLY SICK OF SHITTY SERVICE. I’m talking to you, AT&T, and to you, Weather.com, because both of you ALWAYS FAIL when the going gets tough. I’ll begin with a general statement about AT&T’s wireless equipment: MY CELL PHONE IS A PIECE OF CRAP. Granted, it’s a “dumb” four-year-old flip-phone, but every time I turn it on — which is maybe once every other month — I can’t use it to make calls because I always get a warning that it’s OVERHEATED. How the hell can my phone be overheated when I haven’t turned it on for eight weeks? I wanted to take the damn thing into the closet with me a little while ago during the tornado warning (our home phone is digital so I’d be stranded if cable service goes out) but it was absolutely USELESS.

I guess this means I’m overdue for a new cell phone, so next time Sam heads over to Costco (most likely tomorrow because we ran out of breakfast burritos) I’ll let him upgrade it for me. My only requirements are as follows: 1) it’s free; 2) it’s easy to use; and 3) it has gigantic old-people buttons because I have zero dexterity in my hands.

As for Weather.com, even though they finally nailed our forecast today — holy crap, glorioski and hallelujah! — when I tried to track the path of the tornado online before ducking into the closet their animated WEATHER MAP wouldn’t load, the TORNADO WARNING PAGE wouldn’t load, and when I tried to refresh the screen THE ENTIRE SITE LOCKED UP ON ME. Weather.com had a hemorrhage a few months back when DirecTV dumped them in favor of an “inferior” weather provider, but as far as I’m concerned Weather.com is probably even worse because a freaked-out senior citizen can’t get essential information from their website in a GENUINE WEATHER EMERGENCY.

Thank you for hanging out with me today. I mean this sincerely.