Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Haitian fashion, busted olives and Wednesday night comedies.

I must be schizophrenic. I love AT&T again but now I hate Wal-Mart. Try to put up with me while I explain. Thank you.

WHY I LOVE AT&T. A multi-talented AT&T indoor repair dude named Robert showed up today — on time! and wearing a hat! — to fix the problems with our fiber optic TV, Internet and home phone service. Turns out it wasn’t the modem/router at all … it was an outdated coaxial connection that had to be upgraded to a high-speed telephone line. I observed from a comfortable chair with a box of TicTacs while Robert ran up and down to the attic, dismantled and moved five tons of furniture in our study (no small feat, believe me) to access the phone jack, replaced and spliced a bunch of wires, moved all the furniture back into place and reprogrammed our U-Verse equipment. He also found a missing pencil that was hiding between my desk and a cabinet. It was like a miracle!

WHY I HATE WAL-MART. Wal-Mart’s shipping geniuses did it again. The big delivery I was expecting today via FedEx was cancelled and sent back to the warehouse due to (according to FedEx’s website) “damage in transit.” In other words, MY OLIVES GOT BUSTED AGAIN. Three beautiful jars of Mezzetta super-colossal Spanish queen olives. This is the same damn thing that happened in the middle of June! Now everything’s all screwy and I’ll end up on the phone for an hour with customer service tomorrow trying to get them to reship my order WITH FIVE POUNDS OF BUBBLE WRAP. I don’t understand why Wal-Mart has such a hard time with this. Holy crap.
While I’m on the subject, this afternoon I got into some obsessive/compulsive horseshit and decided to find and replace (manually!) every instance of “Walmart” with “Wal-Mart” in all of my Howdygram posts. Although I frequently see the name spelled both ways in the news and in ads — even on Wal-Mart’s own website — apparently “Wal-Mart” (with the hyphen) is their legal corporate name. So the Howdygram is now correct and legal, Wal-Mart-wise.

For the record, the word “Walmart” appeared in more than 173 different posts since December 2009. I seriously considered blowing my brains out after changing the first 50.

My plantar fasciitis is spreading. As of yesterday I’ve got it in BOTH FEET, which makes it practically impossible even to walk around the house. I’m a mess, people. This is maybe the worst form of diabetic neuropathy because it’s excruciatingly painful and you don’t want to wear shoes, make biscuits or do laundry! Sam, as always, is being Mr. Wonderful, but he’s gone at least 10 hours a day and I’m on my own to whine alone at Howdygram headquarters.

For my final thought of the day, here’s the latest in Haitian fashion courtesy of Apparently a couple of amused photojournalists turned in the following portraits of ordinary Haitians who don’t speak or read English wearing insane and inappropriate tee shirts. I love this, mostly because it makes me stop thinking about my feet for a few minutes.
Sam won’t be home until 4 a.m. so I think I’ll rummage around for food and watch a few old movies. On tonight’s agenda are a couple of comedies: 1) The Teahouse of the August Moon (1956) starring Glenn Ford and Marlon Brando; and 2) an idiotic surfer thing called For Those Who Think Young (1964) starring James Darren, Paul Lynde and Pamela Tiffin. You know it’s a stinkeroo when the official tagline is: “You have to think young to feel real sprung!”
Thank you for reading this.

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