We really don’t give a crap about Kentucky, derbies, horses, races, roses or yahoos in hats.

In this post: Derby day, Tyson’s lied, fast food news.

Here’s some late-breaking news from the Howdygram Sports Desk: CALIFORNIA CHROME WON THE KENTUCKY DERBY. Sam and I didn’t actually watch because: 1) after lunch we fell asleep in the family room with Another Thin Man (1939) starring William Powell, Myrna Loy and C. Aubrey Smith; and 2) we really don’t give a crap about Kentucky, derbies, horses, races, roses or yahoos in hats.

Saturday lunch options: baloney tacos, Big Franks in a can or leftover Mongolian chicken.

Good morning from Texas, y’all. Got anything exciting planned for today? If not, turn on your TV around 4 p.m. (Central time) because it’s the first Saturday in May and time once again for the Kentucky Derby, that annual southern extravaganza of stupid hats and teeny dudes riding expensive horses, as depicted below for your possible interest.

For the golf fans among you, it looks like Tiger Woods has screwed up again ... this time at the Wells Fargo Championship at Quail Hollow when he didn’t make the cut yesterday after round two. This dude’s game is really in the toilet and I can’t figure out why he’s still entering so many tournaments, especially after last month’s disaster at the Masters. Hey! It rhymes! Seriously, doesn’t Tiger have anything else to fall back on? Like hosting at a restaurant or selling Amway? For his next birthday somebody — his mother, for instance — should buy him a gift certificate for career counseling.

Diabetes bargains abound! I just ordered FOUR BOXES of 50 FreeStyle Lite test strips — enough to last me a few months — from Amazon because the weather’s getting warmer and you don’t want to mail-order heat-sensitive products like glucose test strips in the middle of summer around here when it’s hot enough to fry a couple of eggs on the hood of your Hyundai. In case you’re wondering, no, this was NOT a fun way to spend $107, but test strips on Amazon cost about 70% less than buying them from a pharmacy so at least I know I got a decent deal.

Anybody been following that story about Patricia Krentcil, the “tanning mom” from New Jersey? She’s that belligerent, partly-toothless, leather-faced Einstein who took her five-year-old daughter into a tanning booth with her and wound up getting arrested on April 24 when the kid showed up at school burned to a crisp. Krentcil has been released on bond but faces up to 10 years in prison if she’s convicted of child endangerment. When asked by a TMZ reporter if she considered the case to be a witch hunt, Krentcil replied: “Yes. They’re jealous, they’re fat and they’re ugly.”

I’m desperately in need of lunch. A couple of Big Franks with mustard or leftover Mongolian chicken immediately come to mind, but I could also do a low-carb bagel with American cheese or a tasty baloney taco (Oscar Mayer baloney in a low-carb flour tortilla). Just in case you haven’t paid attention to my earlier posts, Big Franks are soy hotdogs in a can. I love them.

If you want to join me for lunch please RSVP via email within the next 10 minutes. Thank you for reading this.

Guess who has a cold.

Me. And it’s unexplainable, because I never leave the house or come into contact with anybody but Sam, and he hasn’t had a cold in YEARS. So I have no idea where this came from unless the pizza guy was harboring lethal germs on Thursday. I’m congested, achy and probably also have a low-grade fever except I can’t find the thermometer. Don’t get too close to your monitor for a couple of days. I wouldn’t want you to catch this.

If you have some free time this afternoon don’t forget to watch the Kentucky Derby, a traditional sporting event where rich people race hired munchkins on horseback for recognition and prize money.

For your possible interest, most of these munchkins are direct decendants of the original immigrants from Oz during the early part of the 20th century.

Also coming up this weekend is Mother’s Day, and I would like to wish all you moms a happy holiday from the Howdygram. If I’m feeling well enough Sam and I will go for a late lunch today at Pei Wei because they’ve got a BOGO* entree event going on. WE LOVE FREE ENTREES but please don’t tell them I’m not a mother or I might be disqualified.
*BOGO = buy one, get one free.

Mark your calendars. Wednesday, March 11, is Margaret Rutherford Day on TCM, and you should tune in to see five of her adorable films from the early 1960s beginning at 11 a.m. Central time. These include The Mouse on the Moon, Murder She Said, Murder at the Gallop, Murder Most Foul and Murder Ahoy. She’s always fun to watch even though I’ve seen all of her films at least a dozen times.

And now I’m going to hunt around again for my thermometer. There’s always a possibility it might be hiding in the pocket of Sam’s missing black stretchy pants (see post), which vanished mysteriously back in February and still haven’t turned up. If you have any thoughts about this please let me know. Thank you.