Saturday, May 3, 2014

We really don’t give a crap about Kentucky, derbies, horses, races, roses or yahoos in hats.

In this post: Derby day, Tyson’s lied, fast food news.

Here’s some late-breaking news from the Howdygram Sports Desk: CALIFORNIA CHROME WON THE KENTUCKY DERBY. Sam and I didn’t actually watch because: 1) after lunch we fell asleep in the family room with Another Thin Man (1939) starring William Powell, Myrna Loy and C. Aubrey Smith; and 2) we really don’t give a crap about Kentucky, derbies, horses, races, roses or yahoos in hats.

In case you missed out on the big two-minute hoo-hah here’s a nice shot of California Chrome in action, ridden by miniature human Victor Espinoza. Mazel tov to both of y’all.

Please bear with me for a minute while I offer a follow-up review on the Tyson “Grilled & Ready” canned chicken I ordered last week from Wal-Mart (see previous post). It is, in a word, TOTALLY FAKE. (Okay, fine, that’s TWO words.) Do not be fooled. THIS IS JUST AN ORDINARY CAN OF CHICKEN and the people at Tyson are a bunch of DECEITFUL DOO-DOO HEADS. Tyson “Grilled & Ready” doesn’t taste grilled and I dare you to find one stinking grill mark even though you clearly see grill marks on the label. The Howdygram recommends that you buy your canned chicken at Costco because Costco’s brand is cheaper and it isn’t floating in as much mystery juice. Thank you.
And while I’m on the subject of grill marks, I’d like to share some hot news from America’s most ridiculous industry: FAST FOOD. Arby’s has decided to latch onto the meaningless hipster artisan craze by test-marketing their new Artisan Melts, a series of sandwiches featuring standard Arby’s pre-chewed cold cuts on bogus striped toast. At the present time these culinary wonders are available only in Evansville, Indiana. Evansville must be a lot cooler than we ever believed possible.
Colonel Sanders’ enduring grease pit — Kentucky Fried Chicken — is trying to rebrand itself this year with a chain of Super Chix restaurants in Texas, where they’re experimenting with  “chicken sandwiches with upscale toppings” and “homemade croutons.” HOLY CRAP. HAUTE CUISINE!
And finally, Domino’s India is getting ready to introduce kids’ meals in an apparent attempt to battle McDonald’s Happy Meals. What the hell for? Don’t kids already love pizza? Domino’s is calling them Junior’s Joyboxes, which frankly sounds like something invented for a skit on “Saturday Night Live.”

Thank you for reading this.

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