Everybody knows that frosted cake is the perfect food for all sporting events.

Great news, boys and girls! I’ve got a ton of fabulous crapola lined up for this Howdygram post and there’s no better time to get started than RIGHT NOW. Sam is at the office — yes, on Sunday — indefinitely, I just watched Tiger Woods win the Arnold Palmer Invitational, and for the moment I’m all through horsing around with that new website project while my client tweaks a few final edits. I’m all yours. Holy crap, right?

First, please allow me to extend heartfelt congratulations to Tiger Woods from everybody at the Howdygram Sports Desk for winning the aforementioned PGA tournament. By the time he got to the 18th hole — with 20,000 spectators chanting his name — he was so visibly excited he almost couldn’t putt. I know exactly how this feels! (I might be joking.) Note to Tiger: shave the stupid goatee.

I saw in the news that psychopathic former vice president Dick Cheney, 71, received a heart transplant yesterday at Inova Fairfax Hospital in Virginia. I find this absolutely SHOCKING as I didn’t know the conspiratorial fearmonger ever had a heart to begin with! During the George Dubya Bush administration Cheney’s first official assignments in February 2001 were to help organize wiretaps to spy on American citizens and conspire with oil companies to plan the invasion of Iraq. Around the same time he also was asked to head the Counter-Terrorism Task Force, although he held no meetings and ignored hundreds of written warnings about Osama bin Laden for nearly seven months. Cheney finally convened the CTTF on September 12, the day after the destruction of the World Trade Center. So you can imagine how happy I am that Satan gets a new heart. Isn’t medical science wonderful?

What some might consider the perfect segue, please join me in wishing a happy 60th birthday to Hasbro’s first big-seller, Mr. Potato Head.

I had a Mr. Potato Head when I was little. At the time it was just a box of push-pin body parts (eyes, lips, feet, etc.) that you jabbed into a real potato, which was big fun for about seven minutes. Unfortunately if you forgot to throw out the used spud afterwards you wound up with a moldy monster sprouting horns, which always sent me screaming all over the house at three years old. Thanks for the nightmares, Hasbro.

And now for a couple of Howdygram product announcements! First, just in case you’re a pious Christian who celebrates Easter with mountains of sugar you’ll surely want to buy a Giant Gummy Bunny for friends and loved ones. It’s 6½ inches tall, costs $14 and comes in your choice of three religious flavors. You can order yours here.

Second, are you ready for some crap from Pawley’s Island, South Carolina? Then I’d like to introduce you Bird Crap, a custom-blended seasoning that’s supposed to “taste great on just about anything.”

If, for some reason, this is making you hungry, you can order Bird Crap from the manufacturer’s website. One bottle is $5.99, a Bird Crap Double is $10 or you can get a Case o’ Crap for $55. Yee haw!

For your possible interest a brand new season of “Mad Men” premiers tonight on AMC after an excruciatingly long absence due to contract disputes. If you remember the 1960s you’ll love this series, which is populated with sleazy but handsome Madison Avenue advertising executives, hilarious 1960s-era product placement and women with lacquered hair and road-cone boobs who make meat loaf for dinner. This is definitely fine television and a Howdygram four-star recommendation.

Since Sam is still at work — he’s been gone since 11 this morning — and I have no idea what time he’s coming home, I guess I’d better rustle up some grub in the kitchen because I haven’t eaten anything all day except for a piece of frosted cake during the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Everybody knows that frosted cake is the perfect food for all sporting events. Thank you for reading this.