Gefilte fish, frosted cake and Irene Dunne. Happy Mother’s Day.

To all you moms out there I’d like to to extend the Howdygram’s sincere wish for a Really Happy Mother’s Day. I hope somebody else scrambled your eggs this morning and didn’t leave any dishes in the sink.

I sent my mom flowers this year, a tremendous Mother’s Day bouquet from Costco that must have been extraordinary because she raved about it at least three times when we talked. (Hot tip: Bookmark the floral department at Costco.com.) Mom lives in a nursing facility in suburban Chicago. That’s her (see right) in a photo taken last fall; she’ll be 90 in November. Personally, I find it inspirational that she gets her hair done every week and still wears makeup.

I’m thinking maybe she has a secret boyfriend.

In case you’ve been following Marcy’s Adventures in Diabetesland I’d like to report that INSULIN IS FINALLY WORKING and my blood sugar numbers have plummeted substantially! For the last three mornings my fasting blood glucose has been NORMAL ... 116, 109 and 114. (Compare this to a couple of weeks ago when my morning average was around 275.) I’m actually excited enough to bake myself a cake!* Please send an email if you’d like to come over later to share it with me. I’m also serving gefilte fish and we can watch I Remember Mama starring Irene Dunne on TCM. Thank you for reading this.

*Relax. It’s a Pillsbury sugar-free yellow cake mix with sugar-free chocolate frosting.

Everybody knows that frosted cake is the perfect food for all sporting events.

Great news, boys and girls! I’ve got a ton of fabulous crapola lined up for this Howdygram post and there’s no better time to get started than RIGHT NOW. Sam is at the office — yes, on Sunday — indefinitely, I just watched Tiger Woods win the Arnold Palmer Invitational, and for the moment I’m all through horsing around with that new website project while my client tweaks a few final edits. I’m all yours. Holy crap, right?

First, please allow me to extend heartfelt congratulations to Tiger Woods from everybody at the Howdygram Sports Desk for winning the aforementioned PGA tournament. By the time he got to the 18th hole — with 20,000 spectators chanting his name — he was so visibly excited he almost couldn’t putt. I know exactly how this feels! (I might be joking.) Note to Tiger: shave the stupid goatee.

I saw in the news that psychopathic former vice president Dick Cheney, 71, received a heart transplant yesterday at Inova Fairfax Hospital in Virginia. I find this absolutely SHOCKING as I didn’t know the conspiratorial fearmonger ever had a heart to begin with! During the George Dubya Bush administration Cheney’s first official assignments in February 2001 were to help organize wiretaps to spy on American citizens and conspire with oil companies to plan the invasion of Iraq. Around the same time he also was asked to head the Counter-Terrorism Task Force, although he held no meetings and ignored hundreds of written warnings about Osama bin Laden for nearly seven months. Cheney finally convened the CTTF on September 12, the day after the destruction of the World Trade Center. So you can imagine how happy I am that Satan gets a new heart. Isn’t medical science wonderful?

What some might consider the perfect segue, please join me in wishing a happy 60th birthday to Hasbro’s first big-seller, Mr. Potato Head.

I had a Mr. Potato Head when I was little. At the time it was just a box of push-pin body parts (eyes, lips, feet, etc.) that you jabbed into a real potato, which was big fun for about seven minutes. Unfortunately if you forgot to throw out the used spud afterwards you wound up with a moldy monster sprouting horns, which always sent me screaming all over the house at three years old. Thanks for the nightmares, Hasbro.

And now for a couple of Howdygram product announcements! First, just in case you’re a pious Christian who celebrates Easter with mountains of sugar you’ll surely want to buy a Giant Gummy Bunny for friends and loved ones. It’s 6½ inches tall, costs $14 and comes in your choice of three religious flavors. You can order yours here.

Second, are you ready for some crap from Pawley’s Island, South Carolina? Then I’d like to introduce you Bird Crap, a custom-blended seasoning that’s supposed to “taste great on just about anything.”

If, for some reason, this is making you hungry, you can order Bird Crap from the manufacturer’s website. One bottle is $5.99, a Bird Crap Double is $10 or you can get a Case o’ Crap for $55. Yee haw!

For your possible interest a brand new season of “Mad Men” premiers tonight on AMC after an excruciatingly long absence due to contract disputes. If you remember the 1960s you’ll love this series, which is populated with sleazy but handsome Madison Avenue advertising executives, hilarious 1960s-era product placement and women with lacquered hair and road-cone boobs who make meat loaf for dinner. This is definitely fine television and a Howdygram four-star recommendation.

Since Sam is still at work — he’s been gone since 11 this morning — and I have no idea what time he’s coming home, I guess I’d better rustle up some grub in the kitchen because I haven’t eaten anything all day except for a piece of frosted cake during the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Everybody knows that frosted cake is the perfect food for all sporting events. Thank you for reading this.

Nothing says Hanukkah like toes, cake and mousse.

Before I forget … Happy Hanukkah from your pals at the Howdygram! Hanukkah starts at sundown tonight and lasts for eight days, which means there’s still time to send me some presents. Please allow me to suggest the following last-minute gift options: 1) cash; 2) a set of place mats; 3) a large box of Equal packets; and 4) one week in Grand Cayman with Sam, including airfare, meals and new shoes. Click here if you need my shipping address.

In case you’re interested, Sam says he’s giving me eight of his toes for Hanukkah. A different toe every night. I’m actually excited about this.

Breaking news ... my first order from eDietShop.com (see previous post) just showed up and I’m so happy I can hardly stand it. I bought two sugar-free mousse mixes, one package of sugar-free pumpkin pie mix and a big pouch of sugar-free raspberry jello mix. No surprise, I just discovered that Amazon.com sells the same brand (Sans Sucre) at a slightly higher price but with free two-day shipping. I just ordered these flavors:

Howdygram headquarters will be overrun with mousse as soon as I get myself a gallon of nonfat milk, although I might need more refrigerator space. Please send an email if you have an extra shelf I can borrow.

I think I’ll empty the dishwasher now and then make some dinner so I can have cake for dessert. I love cake. Thanks for stopping by.

Grab the truffle oil and stop the bleeding.

We’ve got a nice little thunderstorm rolling through here right now with lots of nice heavy rain, and I figured it might be fun to share the news with my friends in Howdygramland because we still don’t get nearly enough rain here.

I love the sound of rain. I also love the sound of CAKE (see previous post).

About an hour ago I decided to watch The Lottery Bride (1930) starring Jeanette MacDonald, Joe E. Brown and Zasu Pitts. This is a deeply irritating operetta set in Norway featuring fake icicles and extremely bad styrofoam snowdrifts attempting to evoke the Arctic Circle. The music, which is even worse than the scenery, was composed by a person named Rudolf Friml. I’m not joking about this. I watched for about 40 minutes until I wanted to kill somebody.

Thank God there’s plenty of alternative programming available tonight, such as Bravo TV’s “Work of Art” and “Top Chef.”

“Work of Art” is thoroughly frightful, but I hate to admit that season nine of “Top Chef,” which was filmed right here in Texas, is sucking, too. I always enjoyed “Top Chef” in previous years but so far not even ONE of the cheftestants has exhibited a shred of talent and there isn’t even any juicy drama except for the klutz-of-the-week slicing off a finger during the QuickFire challenge. At least we get to watch them figure out how to stop the hemhorraging ... sort of like “MacGyver” with truffle oil and potato peelers.

Sam is on his way home so I guess I’ll publish this post and move on with my life. Thanks for stopping by.

Cake is a vehicle for frosting.

My new Farberware nonstick baking pan was delivered yesterday at 3:45 p.m. and by 4 I was already baking my first-ever sugar-free Pillsbury yellow cake with sugar-free Pillsbury chocolate fudge frosting. The results were incredible. It tastes exactly like a regular yellow cake with regular fudgy frosting! Even Sam loved it ... and he typically reacts to sugar-free dessert like it’s a Doris Day movie. (With the same expression on his face.)

I’m living in cake heaven right now. Cake is beautiful. Cake is brilliant. Cake is the MOST AMAZING FOOD EVER INVENTED next to Mongolian chicken. God bless cake! And as long as I’m spouting my innermost food philosophies, I’ll share one more revelation ... cake is a vehicle for frosting just like gefilte fish is a vehicle for horseradish. I’m serious. Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.

I’ve got a ginormous issue to report to you. Yesterday, for the first time since he was in kindergarten, Sam forgot to take his lunch to school work! He left the bag sitting on the kitchen counter and I didn’t discover it until he was already at the office, at which time I called immediately to find out if he’d been cheating on my homemade turkey and cheese sandwiches with fast food or another woman. He denied any wrongdoing whatsoever, which means apparently this isolated episode was just one of those peculiar anomalies of life — like the day I completely forgot to cut his sandwich in half — and our marriage is still intact. You can stop worrying now, okay?

ONLY FIVE MORE DAYS UNTIL HANUKKAH. I’ll post my wish list tomorrow. Shalom, y’all.