Shut up and pass the chips.

Even though the weather this afternoon is borderline dismal, you’ll be pleased to know that I’m having a thoroughly excellent day here at Howdygram headquarters for all of the following reasons:

1. I don’t have to go outside.
2. I might make spaghetti and meat sauce for dinner tonight.
3. My knees stopped hurting.
4. The laundry is caught up except for bath towels.
5. I got a shipment yesterday from Netrition.com and their low-carb milk chocolate bars taste EXACTLY like cheap Brach’s Easter bunnies from Walgreen’s. This is so perfect I think my head might explode.
6. I found the following Photoshopped picture of Humphrey Bogart online this morning. Holy crap, I love Google!

There’s some breaking news today from the ongoing David Petraeus scandal. Apparently the government of South Korea has decided to reclaim the “honorary consul” title it bestowed on broke and desperate Tampa party-girl Jill Kelley after they discovered she was using it to peddle influence, such as pressuring New York businessman Adam Victor into a business deal in exchange for an outrageous $85 million commission. Kelley is pictured below, peddling her breasts to Florida Senator Marco Rubio.

For the record, Marco Rubio is another one of those Republicans who believes the earth is only 6,000 years old. According to his official biography, he’s a recent Phi Beta Kappa graduate of the Religious Insanity program at Rick Santorum’s Bullshit University.

Speaking of Republicans and bullshit, my final story of the day comes from GQ Magazine, where they’ve named Mitt Romney one of the “least influential people of 2012” despite 18 months on the national stage and a multi-million dollar campaign running for president of the United States. GQ writes: “Was anyone inspired by Mitt Romney? Did anyone vote enthusiastically for Mitt Romney? Of course not. Voting for Romney is like hooking up with the last single person at the bar at 4 a.m.”

Romney’s GQ list-mates include greasy Food Network personality Guy Fieri, PBS newsman Jim Lehrer, Madonna, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte and — believe it or not! — Michelle Obama. In case you’re wondering why GQ included the first lady, they say in spite of Michelle’s “Let’s Move” campaign everybody in the United States is still too damn fat.

I absolutely agree. Now shut up and pass the chips.