I swore I'd never do this, but what the hell.

It’s already after midnight, so it’s Monday now. And that means Sam is coming home today! He’s been in California since the Friday before Memorial Day, horsing around in the San Fernando Valley with his mom, his aunts and assorted siblings, friends and acquaintances. To say I’ve missed Sam would be the understatement of the century, because I desperately need somebody to scratch my back, kiss my face and drag out the garbage cans, but not necessarily in that order.

So to prepare for my big sweetie’s return I decide to go to Costco on Sunday morning for a variety of his favorite food products, including organic raspberries, a two-pound package of lox, chicken flautas and a gigantic tub of cashews. Unfortunately, it’s 100° outside with tons of humidity, a hazy sky and probably way too much pollution, and I’m thinking I really shouldn’t get carried away buying too much food in this heat because shlepping through Costco can be exhausting for me, and there’s nobody waiting at home to help unload the trunk and put everything away. As I’m limping into the store with my cane the 18-year-old greeter at the main entrance figures I look pathetic enough for an electric riding shopping cart ... and I decide to do the unthinkable: I SAID YES AND GOT ON.

This was the experience of a lifetime! After a 30-second driving lesson — “push this to go forward, push this to back up” — here I was, Princess Marcy, sitting on my ass in Costco, careening up and down every aisle and maneuvering three-point turns like Mario Andretti at 5 mph. I didn’t hit any people, I didn’t ram into that tower of Windex and I didn’t block traffic. I bought everything on my shopping list and was back in the parking lot 20 minutes later. I can’t wait to do this all over again ... except next time I think I’ll try offering cheap rides to old people and pregnant women. Does $2.25 sound like too much?

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.