I think I'd rather eat Haitian mud cookies.

To begin, let’s be clear about one thing: it’s been more than two and half years since Sam and I ate at Cici’s Pizza. The only reason I finally decided to write this review is because on my way home from Pep Boys yesterday morning I drove past Cici’s Pizza on Galloway and there were customers lined up around the building waiting for the doors to open. Under the circumstances, I feel it’s my public duty to warn the good citizens of Howdygramland that you should avoid eating this slop at all costs.

Cici’s is basically a chain of poorly-conceived and miserably-executed pizza buffet restaurants with no ambiance and exceptionally cheap prices. The day we were there our local Cici’s in Mesquite was populated by several hundred bussed-in middle schoolers loading up on free Mountain Dew refills. The pizza itself was a nightmare of extraordinarily terrible toppings on rubbery, previously-frozen dough and included such house specialties as Macaroni & Cheese Pizza, Japapeño Pineapple Pizza, Sloppy Joe Pizza, Hamburger Helper Pizza and Alpo Double-Cheese Surprise. If any of this makes you nauseous there are other meal options as well, like tubs of room-temperature Chef Boyardee pastas and cinnamon churros that walked over from Taco Bell across the street.

Pictured above is a platter of Cici’s finest, including Alpo Double-Cheese Surprise and (on the bottom) Macaroni & Cheese Pizza. The other two pizzas on the plate refused to give me their names without an attorney present, and I couldn’t get the Hamburger Helper Pizza to pose for me.

Bottom line: rather than eating at Cici’s I strongly recommend that you stay home and consider peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or a bowl of cereal. Thank you for reading this. RATING: F.