Thursday, September 19, 2013

Chocolate marshmallow pumpkins!

In this post: A mail-order food orgy, fashions from hell, understanding the Second Amendment.

It’s another peculiar day at Howdygram headquarters. After being awake most of the night with electric shocks in my hands and feet (damn neuropathy) I succumbed to a luxurious two-hour nap commencing at noon followed by a late lunch that featured braunschweiger on low-carb toast and half a glass of sugar-free vanilla soy milk with an ice cube in it. So far so good, right?

Then, to add a dash of unexpected excitement to my Thursday festivities I just ordered an unnaturally large quantity of sugar-free chocolates from Russell Stover! This includes a one-pound boxed assortment, two sacks of milk chocolate-covered marshmallows, several candy bars, knockoff Mounds miniatures in nice little foil wrappers and — ready for this? — CHOCOLATE MARSHMALLOW PUMPKINS!
But wait ... there’s more! Within the next 90 minutes UPS will deliver a crate of Lou Malnati’s Chicago deep-dish crustless pizzas packed in styrofoam and dry ice, an incredible, splurgy ZERO-CARB FEAST for diabetic foodies like moi who were born in the Windy City!
And hey, Howdygramsters, if you’d like to try the best Chicago deep-dish pizza on the planet, shop here. (Feel free to order yours with crust if you’re not counting carbs. Crust is good. Thank you.)

For your possible interest I’m pleased to include this selection of highlights from the runway at London Fashion Week, in case you’d like to check out what the best-dressed Europeans will be wearing next spring. (Please keep in mind that Europeans tend to be very, very confused.)
A few random thoughts about these snazzy outfits, okay?

#1. She’s wearing an upside-down mixing bowl. I don’t know about you, but I’d love to watch her sit down in a taxicab. #2. Masking tape and nipples? We are not impressed. #3. I’m baffled. What the hell. #4. This looks like a counter display from the Olive Garden. #5. She’s got cotton balls glued to her hoochie! Oy! #6. Don’t get me started on this one. I can’t even. #7. How to dress for comfort if you’re a 65-year-old woman. By the way, who accessorizes with dogs? #8. See #7. (At least the dogs are available in assorted colors.) #9. Two words: Amish Conehead. #10. I wonder if a person can order the hat and duct tape separately or if you have to buy the whole ensemble.

Show of hands. Are any of you aware that the NFL is a tax-exempt organization? Does knowing this make you want to puke on somebody’s tailgate? If so, please click the link below IMMEDIATELY to sign a petition asking Congress to revoke the NFL’s tax-exempt status. I think giving a greedy, billion-dollar sports empire a pass on federal income tax is absolutely obscene. Thank you for your support.

And finally, after skirting the issue for months I finally feel compelled to present a Howdygram Einstein Award to the ENTIRE STATE OF TEXAS. What’s the latest outrage? Right-wing parents in Denton apparently are demanding that a commonly-used history textbook be banned from classrooms because it mentions the word “militia” in a sentence about the Second Amendment, which is indoctrinating children to believe they don’t have the right to own guns. Sean Getts, the parent who brought this issue to the Denton School Board, said in an interview with Fox News: “I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but clearly the author interpreted the amendment in favor of gun control. I’m mainly concerned how this ended up in our school system.”
The problem is, Mr. Getts, complain all you want, but the Second Amendment really IS about militias, and here’s the exact language from our Constitution!

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State,
the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Yahoos like Getts are terrified that correct interpretation of the law conflicts with their dream of a holster on every American’s shoulder. And this is the same crowd that wants the Texas state legislature to require creationism in science textbooks because, as we all know, religion can provide such a modern and successful curriculum for the next generation of little patriots. Holy mother of crap.

I have a headache. Thank y’all for reading this.

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