Friday, September 27, 2013

Meet Barry Smitherman: A putz for all seasons.

In this post: Deadbeat clients, butt pudding, another Putz of the Week, shopping Walter Drake.

2:38 P.M. I’m sitting at my desk watching CNN live on my computer because President Obama is scheduled to make a late-breaking statement momentarily about this looming (and totally disgusting) government shutdown thing. While I stare at an empty podium in the middle of my screen I’m entertaining myself with some sugar-free marshmallows, a nice little game of video poker and considering creative new ways to torment my remaining website clients … particularly the ones who can’t figure out HOW TO MAIL A QUARTERLY HOSTING PAYMENT ON TIME EVEN AFTER THREE STINKING EMAIL REMINDERS. (Complete details to follow.)

3:01 P.M. I am pleased to provide a brief summary of President Obama’s remarks to Congress: “CUT THE CRAP, YOU CLOWNS.”

For the record, I don’t think this picture is actually from today’s speech because President Obama was wearing a blue striped tie, not polka dots, but other than that he looked exactly the same. Thank you.

And now a few words about my remaining Ovation Creative clients. I’m totally fed up with these deadbeats and would love to pull the plug on their damn websites and tell them all to take a flying leap off the nearest cliff. Quarterly hosting payments are due by October 1 but so far I’ve received only two. TWO! It’s so bad that I had to incorporate a couple of very clear threats into my last reminder email: 1) any payment received after October 5 will incur a $20 late fee; and 2) your website will be taken offline if hosting has not been paid by October 15. WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE TORMENTING ME? I don’t need aggravation in my life any more. I’m trying to retire!

Breaking news: I placed another order on Walter Drake’s website yesterday! They were so excited by my first purchase a week ago that they offered FREE SHIPPING this time, and everybody should know by now that I’m a total sucker for free shipping. So I bought one of those terrific eyeglass holders for Sam (see previous post) plus two of the following convenient daily living aids for seniors. I did not order a Dreaded Dribble Bib but it’s comforting to know where to buy one should the need arise at some point in the future. (I’m thinking this would make a thoughtful Hanukkah present for the elderly slobs in your life.)
Hey. I’ve got another Putz of the Week to share with you this afternoon, and once again our honoree is a home-grown jerkwad from right here in the Lone Star State! What a shock, right? Meet Barry Smitherman, a member of the Texas Railroad Commission — our governor’s favorite launch pad for political cronies — who has clear aspirations for the office of Texas attorney general in 2014. Smitherman’s qualifications for the post include extolling the virtues of hydraulic fracturing, a deep love of firearms and constantly suing the Obama administration.
Smitherman also spouts a uniquely right-wing theory about the intersection of human reproduction and U.S. economic policy, as evidenced last week in a speech before the Texas Alliance for Life. Although Smitherman’s full remarks are available on his campaign website, the following excerpt clearly qualifies him as a card-carrying Howdygram Putz. (Note to self: Design membership cards.)

The travesty of abortion isn’t just the 55 million children that have been aborted, it’s those 55 million PLUS the 27.5 million children who weren’t conceived because their parents themselves weren’t born. Abortion has cost our country at least 82.5 million people. That’s about 27% of our total population, which we will never recover. At a time when our federal debt is almost $17 trillion, having another 82.5 million people in the work force would help to reduce our per capita debt obligations, but most likely also produce meaningful additional gross domestic product to propel our economy. And I bet they would all vote Republican.

I can’t even wrap my head around this. Apparently now these right-to-life dickheads are not only obsessed about aborted fetuses, but also about all the precious Republican babies those fetuses would have spawned? WTF? It should be clear to everybody by now that Republicans love fetuses but hate children, which they prove repeatedly by denying health care to poor families and voting to cut $40 billion from the food stamp program. HOLY CRAP.

And finally, it should come as no surprise whatsoever that Japan has invented yet another weird and pointless product. (Anybody remember Pepsi-Flavored Cheetos?) This time it’s a kit for Jiggly Butt Pudding that you make at home. I’m serious. Check out the how-to video below.

I wonder if there’s a sugar-free version for diabetics and if the thong is available in other fashion colors. Thank you for reading this.

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