Monday, February 10, 2014

The luge. Does anybody really give a crap about this?

In this post: Non-news, 2014 Olympics, Monday errands.

Breaking news … CHEMICAL EXPLOSION IN MESQUITE! According to our local ABC News affiliate, two janitors — who were most likely stoned — reported a “popping noise” to police Saturday morning at the Fritz Industries research facility on Executive Drive. However, since nobody was injured, there was no property damage and no actual chemicals were involved, the headline should have read: POLICE SEARCH FOR BROKEN TEST TUBE AT MESQUITE RESEARCH FACILITY WHILE REPORTER ATTEMPTS TO TERRIFY AREA RESIDENTS FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Fritz Industries on Executive Drive, which did NOT actually blow up; C) the new Chinese buffet at Galloway and Tripp that Sam refuses to take me to because ptomaine; and D) Buckner Back & Neck, the chiropractic clinic with the best name EVER.
In case you’re wondering why I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday, I was really busy sleeping, eating things and watching the big hoo-hah from Sochi, Russia. I have to admit, though, the 2014 Winter Olympics are boring as hell so far and I’m just not feeling it, people. Most of these winter sports are looking dumber than ever and, most importantly, nobody will EVER convince me that dunderheads like 40-year-old Armin Zoeggeler, the undisputed “luge king of Italy” who powers his body with “apples, noodles and steak,” is actually an athlete and NOT an unemployed, middle-aged clod with rich parents. I’m just saying.
Sochi is Zoeggeler’s sixth consecutive Olympics and he won a bronze medal yesterday for sliding down an ice tunnel on his little red sled faster than the Norwegians. Does anybody really give a crap about this?

It’s almost 10 a.m. and Sam is still asleep, and I only mention this because it’s rare for Sam to stay in bed this late. I think I’m a little worried about him. He didn’t feel well last night. I was hoping he’d go to Wal-Mart for me and then stop at CVS for a couple of prescriptions, but I won’t ask him to do that because he’s adorable, I love him and it’s awfully cold outside today. Under the circumstances, if you have a little free time to pick up a few things for me at the store this morning I need sour cream, American cheese, two jars of Mezzetta Deli-Sliced Mild Pepper Rings and braunschweiger.
Thank you for reading this.

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