The whole scoop on small-town baloney, “chorks” and more fake meat in a can.

From our News You Can Use department, a stupid mystery dude stole a jar of change collected for charity from the crappy Asian buffet on Town East Boulevard here in Mesquite. You know you’re living in a small town when this kind of baloney actually qualifies for the evening TV news in Dallas ... and they even sent an eager reporter to interview a waitress and a couple of yakky customers. Take a look for yourself.



Incidentally, this is the exact same crappy Asian buffet where Sam and I had dinner a couple of weeks ago (see post).

And while I’m on the subject of Asian cuisine, the Howdygram is pleased to introduce a brand new utensil for your possible interest and amusement. Meet the “chork,” marketed by the Brown Innovation Group from Salt Lake City, which is basically plastic chopsticks with training wheels in case you need help to venture out of your comfort zone. Sorry, but chorks will never replace the ladle for shoveling Mongolian chicken at high speed. I’m just saying.

Breaking news! I just placed an order on Amazon.com for a case of Loma Linda “Big Franks” ... fake canned hotdogs packed in liquid that vegetarians and other weirdos are raving about from coast to coast. They’re supposed to be exceptionally tasty, practically addicting and very low fat with ZERO CARBS, which is big hoo-hah for diabetics like me. Even though it’s barely dawn here in north Texas I’ve already made exciting plans for Big Franks as soon as they get here — most likely by Wednesday — such as: 1) Big Franks on a paper plate; 2) Big Franks with a side order of sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles; 3) Big Franks Foo Young; and 4) Big Franks with a Marcytini.

I love Loma Linda’s fake meat crapola and have been dining on their canned “Swiss Stakes” and “Fried Chick’n” for quite some time. A large quantity of useful gravy is included in every can and you can buy all of these whatnots on Amazon.

I should probably go back to bed for a few hours since waking up at 4 a.m. can really wreck your entire day. Thank you for reading this.