If a Lou Malnati’s pizza doesn’t give you palpatations, there has to be something wrong with you.

I’ve been a little slow with Howdygram posts this week, but I’ve got two decent excuses: 1) a lack of motivation; and 2) laundry. I can’t exactly pinpoint the reason for item one, which tends to come and go depending on what’s on TV, but I can explain item two. On Saturday Sam is flying to Los Angeles to hang out with his relatives for eight days and I’ve been washing everything in sight so he’ll have a lot of clean socks. It’s a full life.

Although it’s been a long while since my last Einstein Award, I’m pretty damn sure I’ve got one for you today that makes up for lost time. Meet Nicole “Einstein”  Eastman, a recent high school graduate. She’s renting her first house with the “best roommates ever” — with friends like this, who needs enemies? — who apparently decide hey, cool, let’s all vault off the roof and land in the swimming pool!

The first two jumpers make it into the water but Einstein (in the pink bathing suit) freaks out at the last minute and SHATTERS BOTH FEET when she crashes onto the patio instead. A fourth, unseen halfwit films the event for posterity. (FYI, it’s a graphic video. Prepare yourself.)

In case you’re wondering where Nicole got her keen sense of maturity and judgment, it seems that her mother has come under fire for launching an outrageous GoFundMe page to solicit donations to help support her “disabled daughter,” since poor Nicole will be stuck in a wheelchair for up to a year, has no health insurance and needs help paying for rent and toiletries. Because even in a wheelchair, a girl with no job, no prospects and no common sense needs to condition her hair and continue living with her best friends. Seriously.

Another day, another weird and crappy movie! This time it’s Beast from Haunted Cave (1959), a horror dreckfest produced by Roger Corman and starring nobody you ever heard of. The pointless plot includes intoxicated idiots dancing to really bad music in a road house, stealing gold bars from a mining office and then a giant scary cobweb thing chasing them up and down a ski slope. I guess the cobweb is the beast from the haunted cave. While I hate to dispute the facts presented on the original movie poster shown below, there were no half-naked screaming young girls getting sucked into anything, and the cobweb was neither blood-starved nor from hell. It was just STUPID. The script wasn’t so hot, either.

The cast featured all of the following D-list actors. Michael Forrest was best-known for a part in a 1960s episode of “Star Trek.”

I ordered myself an unexpected treat this morning: TWO CRUSTLESS DEEP-DISH PIZZAS from Lou Malnati’s pizzeria in Chicago! Oh boy! Yee-haw! Holy crap! Yum! I didn’t know anything like this even existed! Lou Malnati’s uses a quarter-inch thick layer of really lean Italian sausage instead of a crust, which means these babies have no gluten, no flour and no carbs! Delivery is expected on Friday but I’m so excited I might have to sit on the front doorstep and wait for the UPS dude. (If the photo below doesn’t give you palpatations there has to be something wrong with you.)

While I ponder tonight’s dinner I think I’ll horse around for a while with my iPad. I downloaded a few new games this morning from Apple’s App Store, such as Bally’s Cash Wizard, which is an exact copy of the slot machine that Sam and I love at the Choctaw Casino. The only thing missing is the senior citizen’s buffet. (And the sugar-free pie.)

Thank you for reading this.