Life is monumentally off-schedule today at Howdygram headquarters.

To all you Einsteins who interrupted my Saturday nap today by pounding on the front door, I have two words for you: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY HOUSE. I was so annoyed I wanted to beat the crap out of them with my cane. And they weren’t even advertising anything because nobody left a business card or a pizza flyer. They were just a bunch of PESTS.

And now for something completely different! Sam is still en route from Dallas to Burbank, California, as I write this post, a six-hour pain-in-the-ass flight on Southwest Airlines with outrageous $8 WiFi service and scheduled stops in Albuquerque and Oakland. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite, Texas; B) Albuquerque, New Mexico; C) Oakland, California; and D) Bob Hope Airport in beautiful downtown Burbank.

For the record, in no way whatsoever is Oakland ever considered a convenient side trip on the way to Burbank. But to make matters worse … instead of a simple-yet-irritating 20-minute stop, Southwest decides to force everybody off the plane for a TWO HOUR LAYOVER with nothing to do except eat shitty chicken burritos and call your wife.

Sam is still in Oakland eating his aforementioned shitty chicken burrito as I write this post.

Closer to home, life is monumentally off-schedule today at Howdygram headquarters. I finally ate breakfast at 4:15 in the afternoon, a repast of jumbo green olives and a couple of low-carb biscuits. I didn’t intentionally delay food for any particular reason other than not being very hungry, a situation that leaves me profoundly confused because I’m never not hungry.

More to come. Thank you for reading this.