A trio of summertime Einstein awards for your possible amusement.

Einstein Award #1. According to an article today on a local news website, a Dallas woman named Jody Einstein wants to warn other shoppers after her purse was stolen in a Tom Thumb parking lot on Sunday. Miss Einstein left her purse on the front seat of her unlocked car while she wheeled a shopping cart back to the store and — in a daring and unexpected criminal endeavor — an observant local yahoo with an SUV snatched the purse and drove away. In her statement to the police, Jody said “it’s very disturbing to know you’re being watched that closely.” Frankly, I think it’s more disturbing that she can’t grasp the stupidity of leaving her purse in an unlocked car.

Einstein Award #2. I just received an email advertisement for a whatnot called the “iBGStar®,” a complicated little electronic doodad for wealthy diabetics that helps you record blood sugar numbers and insulin doses and — in the technology breakthrough of the year — PLUGS INTO YOUR iPHONE. Their slogan? “With iBGStar® your diabetes data goes wherever your mobile device goes.” Seriously, what the hell for? Is diabetes the next big thing in social networking? Are we supposed to tweet this stupid crap to everybody we know? The point of this overpriced yet meaningless device thoroughly escapes me, since diabetics in-the-know, like yours truly, can already get an electronic glucose meter FREE from a physician.

The Howdygram would like to express its thanks to the Einsteins at Sanofi Diabetes for another meaningless scientific innovation. They’re going to find out pretty quickly that diabetics aren’t “tech-savvy” … we’re crabby. Why the hell can’t somebody put this much money and effort into finding a CURE? (An image of the iBGStar® plug-in appears above. Personally, I think it looks like a teeny little rear-view mirror.)

Einstein Award #3. In a seriously lame effort to make its products fun and interesting, the marketing Einsteins at FiltersFast.com, a sleep-inducing website that sells filters in every conceivable brand and size for your furnace, humidifier, swimming pool, washing machine, coffee pot and icemaker, has introduced a new video advertising campaign starring “Béarnard,” a non-animated stuffed bear propped up in a chair who talks about filters without moving his mouth. Mazel tov to FiltersFast.com for a real winner.



A movie and an afternoon nap would be swell right about now. I’m awfully glad you dropped in today. Next time bring a coffee cake.

No rain. Not a single stinking drop.

I love my life. Know why? Most days the toughest decision I have to make is should I take my afternoon nap before or after “People’s Court.” In a word, being retired is AWESOME. I get to hang around the house without a bra (no pun intended) writing clever crap for the Howdygram, washing Sam’s socks and shooting insulin. Is this fun, or what?

This will come as no surprise whatsoever to many of you, but Weather.com’s credibility is currently at a new all-time LOW. We didn’t get rain yesterday after all. Zero. NOT A SINGLE STINKING DROP, not even with a gigantic line of storms less than half an inch away on their stupid animated graphic (see my last post). Apparently Fort Worth and various towns in Tarrant County took the brunt of it with 75 m.p.h. wind gusts, power outages and lots of damage to billboards, street signs and assorted poorly-attached whatnots. (Some people have all the luck.) For your possible interest the images below show a busted awning at the Cross-Eyed Moose near the Fort Worth Stockyards and damage to teeny planes at Meacham Field. The destruction isn’t exactly heartbreaking, but it’s a  comfort to know that a few fortunate citizens in north Texas actually got a storm in spite of Weather.com.

Because it’s almost 8 p.m. this would be an excellent time for me to exit, stage right, and throw together something wonderful for dinner. The possibilities are endless and I’m hoping a few of you will volunteer to help with my decision. The choices tonight are as follows:

1. a wad of pepper jack cheese with sugar-free Vlasic bread & butter pickles
2. Bear Creek Hot & Sour Soup
3. gefilte fish and horseradish
4. latkes with sour cream
5. scrambled eggs with freeze-dried sausage textured vegetable protein
6. scrambled eggs without freeze-dried sausage textured vegetable protein
7. Schwan’s frozen chicken patty things with instant Bisto faux gravy
8. tasty braised gluten in a teeny can (see previous post)
9. sugar-free halva
10. calling China City

Please send an email within the next 15 minutes to register your vote for meal option 1 through 10. Thank you, as always, for reading this!

Sunday night escapades include a teeny can of tasty braised gluten and “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

Sundays can be packed with exciting surprises!

Exciting surprise number one. I’m hanging out at my desk in Howdygramland following two juicy afternoon naps when an email pops up from my doctor with the results of last week’s lab work. Two important things are highly improved and looking swell (cholesterol and triglycerides), most things are normal, and other things are not so good. It’s that damn “not so good” category that’s got me flummoxed again. A number of results point to declining kidney function, so Dr. M wants me to head back to the kidney specialist for an evaluation. I was actually supposed to do this about six months ago but didn’t follow up because, as a whiny diabetic, I get really tired of medicine, doctors, waiting rooms and needles. But I’ll call Dr. Hsu’s office tomorrow, anyway, and set up an appointment so I can finally find out what needs to be done. Stay tuned for additional details and thank you for your support.

Exciting surprise number two. A colorful animated graphic on Weather.com indicates that a big line of strong thunderstorms is heading our way. Although my first gut reaction is to stand on the front lawn and scream WEATHER.COM IS A LYING SACK OF POO, this time I think they might be on to something. The sky is getting dark, the wind is picking up and birdies are running for cover. (Okay, maybe not the part about the birdies.) The bright red star on the map below denotes Howdygram headquarters.

Exciting surprise number three. It was the movie we saw last night ... Night Flight, a weird “lost classic” from 1933 starring Clark Gable, Myrna Loy, Helen Hayes, Robert Montgomery and a couple of Barrymores. My general rule of thumb is, just because a movie’s OLD doesn’t mean it’s a CLASSIC. Apparently Night Flight was pulled from circulation in 1940 because the author of the original book hated the film — after seeing it, I can appreciate his point — and it took almost 20 years for Turner Classic Movies to negotiate the rights to show it on TV. Night Flight is a story about the dangers of early airmail aviation in South America. Aside from one or two nail-biter flying sequences it’s pretty much a wasted 84 minutes of your life. Melodramatic John Barrymore as the heartless airline boss has a lot of fun chewing scenery but the rest of the A-list cast is totally wasted and almost none of them have any scenes together. Clark Gable is always stuck in his cockpit, has no real dialog but gets to make a lot of orgasmic facial expressions to show us how much he loves to fly. Robert Montgomery does considerably LESS. Helen Hayes goes berserk waiting for her husband’s plane to land so she sits at her dining room table making love to an empty chair. Depressing and disheveled Lionel Barrymore spends the entire film scratching a rash on his chest until you’re ready to kick the screen. Myrna Loy has one really stupid short monologue where she talks to the ceiling while her husband gets dressed to fly the mail at night. We probably would’ve changed the channel except we didn’t feel much like watching Bulgarian volleyball on NBC.

It’s almost 7:30 so I suppose I ought to think about dinner even though Sam just ate an ice cream cone and probably isn’t hungry any more. Maybe I’ll open a teeny can of tasty braised gluten that I ordered from AsianFoodGrocer.com and get ready for tonight’s episode of “Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

Thank you for reading this.

Denny’s “Grand Slam” Vegas wedding chapel, coming soon. I hope they have a senior discount.

I’ve never liked bugs. For those of you who know me personally, of course, this is an understatement to end all understatements because I am completely paralyzed at the sight of an insect — any insect — such as bees, moths, spiders and crickets. Sometimes, depending on weather conditions, Texas can wind up with an abundance of the aforementioned crickets, but this year the big hoo-hah is MOSQUITOS, particularly the kind that carry West Nile Virus. So far this summer we’ve had 431 confirmed cases of West Nile and 12 fatalities with 10 to 15 new cases reported every day. This even includes Sundays, when all good southern mosquitoes should be in church or standing in line somewhere for brunch. Holy crap.

The Dallas metro area has declared a state of emergency and ordered five planes from the Texas Department of Emergency Management to shpritz pesticide all over north Dallas and the Park Cities neighborhoods (Highland Park and University Park) before students start returning to our institutes of higher learning, which includes Southern Methodist University, the University of Texas Southwest Medical Center, Dallas Baptist University, the Dallas County Community College District and Jim-Bob’s Barber College on Lamar across from the new Pizza Hut.

A clever marketing dude at Denny’s corporate headquarters has decided to kill two birds with a rock by opening a new Denny’s combined with a cheesy wedding chapel in a new Neonopolis entertainment center in downtown Las Vegas. The restaurant will offer its traditional menu — Grand Slams! Patty Melts! Soup du Jour! — with a chapel in the middle featuring intentionally stupid “over-the-top Vegas décor.”

For the record, Sam and I got married in Las Vegas in 2006. After Denny’s opens its new Grand Slam Chapel I’m thinking we might have to go back and renew our vows, because this time we can dine on Senior Scrambled Eggs for lunch instead of that sad and crappy Cheez Whiz Buffet at the Riviera.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

Shrimp dumplings and a bunch of eastern European contortionists showing off to music.

I discovered a crazy new sport last night at the London Games: BMX racing! BMX is fun to watch but really shouldn’t qualify as an Olympic sport because it’s basically just the roller derby on bicycles. You get eight riders on midget bikes — wearing helmets that make them look like alien raptors — exploding out of the gate at 40 miles per hour, except nearly everybody smashes into the wall at the first big turn so only two or three ever get to the finish line. Hilarious? Yes. Dangerous? You bet. Olympic? Not on your life, pal.

Sam and I went to Hong Kong Royal for dim sum today , which was AWESOME and even better than last time, probably because I brought home an order of Cantonese Pan Fried Noodles with Shrimp for an afternoon snack. God bless Cantonese Pan Fried Noodles! Even better, on Hong Kong Royal’s big-screen TV we had a chance to eat dumplings and watch rhythmic gymnastics at the London Olympics ALL AT THE SAME TIME, during which one hapless athlete dropped her mile-long twirling ribbon and collapsed into hysterics on the floor of the arena. Try to imagine her pain for a minute. You just invested 15 years of your life training for this moment, you make your mother work three jobs to buy you a $1,200 figure skating tutu with rhinestones, and then you DROP THE STINKING RIBBON AT THE OLYMPICS. She deserves to spend the next ten years in a labor camp when she finally goes home to Uzbekistan Kyrgyzstan Turkmenistan Bulgaria wherever the hell she’s from.

For your possible interest here are three representative images of rhythmic gymnastics from the London Olympics. The one in the center is clearly reminiscent of Titian’s painting Diana and Actaeon from 1556. (Google it if you don’t believe me.)

In my opinion rhythmic gymnastics don’t belong in the Olympics because it’s just a bunch of eastern European contortionists showing off to music. However they really know how to point their toes.

News flash! My new sleep aid, Trazodone, worked pretty well last night, although it apparently wears off after six hours because at 5:30 this morning I was wide awake, thirsty, hungry and bored. It was like somebody flipped a switch and WHAMMO. So I decided to move forward with Plan B: 1) a Marcytini; 2) Cheetos; and 3) an old Myrna Loy movie. (That’s technically an oxymoron. Every Myrna Loy movie is an “old” Myrna Loy movie.)

As long as I’m on the subject of movies, a couple of days ago Sam and I watched The Wolf Man (1941) with Lon Chaney, Jr., Claude Rains, Ralph Bellamy and Bela Lugosi. This was not nearly as scary as I remembered it as a kid, but it was genuine buttered popcorn entertainment with the silly Wolf Man costume, all that fake fog and Maria Ouspenskaya as the creepy gypsy fortune teller.

It’s time to move on with some afternoon activities, such as: 1) making chocolate pudding; 2) eating my leftover Cantonese Pan Fried Noodles with Shrimp; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. Sam is asleep in the family room and he definitely has the right idea. Thank you for reading this.

Sonjia has blue hair and Dmitry could use an extra vowel but I like them anyway.

Yee-haw and glorioski, everybody ... it’s Friday! While I wait for Sam to get home from work so we can start our weekend I ordered a big pile of dinner from China City because there’s so much food in our freezer and pantry that I couldn’t figure out what the hell to cook. If that sounds deranged, you nailed it.

Here’s a bit of advice from the Howdygram’s Consumer Affairs department. It really pays to speak up whenever somebody rips you off because companies everywhere are really paying attention to public opinion. I’ve even got two excellent examples to share with you. Number one, back in June I wrote a negative review on TripAdvisor about our hotel in Vicksburg, Mississippi, and snagged us a $120 apology check from the chain’s corporate headquarters. Number two, after a semi-crappy carry-out dinner from Dickey’s Barbecue last weekend I completed a survey on their website and the district manager responded to my comments by offering us a $35 refund for our purchase AND a ton of complimentary food on our next visit.

Is this cool, or what? I think I’ll spend the whole damn weekend writing complaints about EVERYTHING!

In the event you haven’t been following all the drama on “Project Runway,” two designers — Andrea and Kooan — already gave up on the competition and WALKED OUT, and the new season just started three weeks ago! Andrea and Kooan were, quite honestly, the weirdest and lousiest of the bunch, although I think most of this year’s contestants are shockingly lame with the exception of Dmitry, Sonjia and Ven. Sonjia has blue hair and Dmitry could use an extra vowel but I like them anyway.

Know what? This afternoon I discovered three more websites packed with EXCELLENT FREE FONTS and spent about three hours feeding my decades-old typography addiction. Here are today’s exciting downloads:

In case you want to browse around on your own, take a look at Iconian.com, FontYukle.net and FreeFonts.net and send me an email if you find anything incredible, okay? FYI, “Whatafont” is the logo font used by Whataburger restaurants, but I’d be willing to bet you don’t give a crap about this.

Whataburger is a a hugely popular chain here in Texas but I can’t figure out why because they’re basically at the same lousy level as Wendy’s. If I can’t eat at Scotty P’s, Five Guys or Burger Island I’d rather stay home with a jar of gefilte fish.

As long as I’m discussing FOOD — for a nice change of pace, right? — please allow me to deliver a plug here for one of my favorite websites, AsianFoodGrocer.com. They’ve actually got healthy canned ready-to-eat crapola that’s good enough to sink me into a food coma. My three new best friends are pictured below:

The little red can ($1.68) is Braised Gluten with Golden Mushrooms. The two tall cans ($2.09 each) are Braised Seitan in a savory sauce and Peking Vegetarian Roast Duck, which is made of gluten. Holy crap, this stuff is just AMAZING. Zero carbs, high protein, tons of flavor and so damn CHEAP you’ll have to pinch yourself a few times! If you decide to place an order tell them Marcy sent you. Thank you for reading this.

Coming soon: extreme agitation and frenzied abnormal excitement.

Yo from Texas. I got my monthly email promotion today from The Wright Stuff, a website that sells all kinds of peculiar crap for people with arthritis and mobility issues. Today’s featured products were industrial-size pill sorters and storage units. Pictured below are the seven-day “Vita Vault” and the 30-day “Med Center.”

The “Vita Vault” ($14.95) has limited usefulness for me (way too few compartments) and looks like the jellybean dispenser from one of those candy stores at the mall. The “Med Center” ($39.95) is more impressive, however, and lets an over-medicated person store a month of drugs in a container the size of South Dakota. These would be perfect Hanukkah grab-bag presents for your favorite senior citizen. You might also consider a gift certificate for discount cremation services, which is always in good taste. (Seriously.)

From our Life Can Be Better at Club Meds department, I learned today that my new sleep aid, Trazodone, is actually an antidepressant that’s frequently used to treat insomnia and/or schizophrenia. I’m pretty sure Dr. M prescribed it for the former rather than the latter, but you never can tell. Trazodone’s possible side effects — according to information from the National Institute of Health’s website — are: 1) nausea; 2) new or worsening depression; 3) thoughts of suicide; 4) extreme agitation; 5) panic attacks; 6) aggressive behavior; 7) acting without thinking (does this include shopping on Amazon?); and 8) frenzied abnormal excitement. Holy crap! There’s so much to look forward to! I’m particularly anxious to experience number 8. Stay tuned, okay?

And now for your possible interest I’d like to share the Howdygram’s Top Six Stupidest Sports from the summer Olympics. I’ve been watching the Games for the last two weeks and — trust me, people — the meaningless competitions described (and pictured) below are the worst of the lot.

1. Artistic Gymnastics. This is more like a floor show by Cirque de Soleil and bears no resemblance to an Olympic sport by any stretch of the imagination. You get a bunch of contortionists twisting themselves in knots accompanied by peppy music.
2. Trampoline. A bunch of skinny little dudes with pointy toes bouncing on mattresses. This is almost as stupid to watch as it is to score.
3. Synchronized Swimming. The team competition is a 1930s Busby Berkeley musical with a bunch of women in clown makeup trying to make a kaleidoscope in the water. The “duets” are significantly worse, showcasing a couple of girlfriends splashing around in a pool. Wake me when it’s over.
4. Beach Volleyball. This might be fun on a Saturday morning if you live on the beach in southern California or Austrialia but nobody else on earth cares enough about this sport to even bother forming an Olympics team. Wearing a bikini to lunge around an artificial sand pit in east London — where the weather is 62° with steady drizzle — makes no sense whatsoever.
5. Women’s Wrestling. A bizarre fetish activity that’s mainly popular among the fad-obsessed Japanese, famous for inventing Hello Kitty and “hentai” porn cartoons.
6. Equestrian Dressage. (Rhymes with “massage.”) Involves people in formalwear who get their horses to do idiotic things like ballet. Think of it as the modern-day equivalent of an East Los Angeles low-rider competition. The video clip below provides the perfect illustration.

Thank you for reading this. I need to eat dinner now.

Iordan Iovtchev, Bulgaria’s king of geezer gymnastics.

I’ve got so much excellent crap to report that I think my head might explode before I have a chance to finish writing this post! First, a recap of my doctor appointment this morning. I lost 28½ unexpected pounds since my last visit in May, and my “vitals” are as follows: blood pressure 118/60; pulse 74; temperature 98.7. And it’s nice to know that I’m still 5'7½" tall, which means Sam must be experiencing a mid-life growth spurt because I’ve been feeling really short lately. I should mention, also, that Dr. M added two more prescriptions to my ever-growing list of daily meds. These are: 1) Trazodone Hydrochloride (a sleep aid); and 2) Lotrisone cream to help with the creepy itchy rash between the fingers on my right hand.

The results of my quarterly lab tests will be forthcoming. Please feel free to continue your normal routine in the meantime.

Today’s new purchases (so far) from Amazon.com include two big bottles of Dial NutriSkin body wash, Clorox bleach and three containers of sugar-free marble halva, all pictured below.

I might consider one or two additional purchases since I don’t have anything else on my agenda tonight aside from regularly-scheduled Olympics crapola.

As long as I’m on the subject, it’s time (at last) for the latest from London. It seems that seven athletes from Cameroon are nowhere to be found, according to David Ojong, the poor slob who was supposed to be keeping track of them. The missing athletes include five male boxers, a female soccer player and a male swimmer. None has been seen since Monday. A reserve soccer player, Drusille Ngako, went missing on July 26. The Cameroonian delegation advised the London Games organizers and Cameroon’s embassy, although it still isn’t clear if the missing athletes plan to seek asylum in the United Kingdom or not. Maybe they all just went shopping. In the meantime I don’t think it should be be too hard to find them in outfits like this.

I also want to introduce you to Bulgaria’s Iordan Iovtchev, the oldest male gymnast at the London Games who showed up night before last to take a shot at the still rings and floor exercises. This is Iovtchev’s sixth — and hopefully his final — Olympics. He didn’t win a medal in London but apparently has been a household name in Bulgaria for the last 25 years, which gives you a rough idea how exciting life must be for your average Bulgarian. Holy crap.

From our Country Music Hall of Fame department, not too long ago singing legend Randy Travis, 53, was found chugging wine in front of the First Baptist Church in Sanger, Texas. But I guess that wasn’t Randy’s personal best because last night he walked BUCK NAKED into a Grayson County convenience store to buy cigarettes, crashed his car, then laid down (still naked) in the middle of County Road 922, not far from his house in Tioga. During his arrest Randy allegedly threatened to shoot a state trooper, which is actually kind of funny since he obviously wasn’t carrying a concealed weapon. The stupid dude’s mug shot is posted below.

 Thank you for reading this.

Surprise storms and an afternoon drive-by.

Before I shlep myself into the family room for a quick dinner and my nightly dose of Olympics crapola I thought I’d mention that we’ve suddenly got SURPRISE STORMS heading for Mesquite! I don’t care too much about the thunder and lightning, however ... I just want the RAIN. At the moment we’ve got substantial wind — around 50 m.p.h. according to Weather.com — and the sky is looking mighty creepy. Stay tuned for additional bulletins as they become available (and if I feel like it).

Big news. My appointment with Dr. M tomorrow morning is at Baylor Family Medical Center’s brand new facility here in Mesquite, which is located about two blocks away from their old building here in Mesquite! I realize this is no big hoo-hah for you, but it is for me because they just moved a few days ago and I’ve never been there before. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Baylor’s OLD facility; and C) Baylor’s NEW facility. I did a drive-by this afternoon and really like their new parking lot. Seriously.

And now, here’s the latest edition of our Holy Crap Gallery for your possible interest and amusement. This time I’m featuring Kathryn Crosby (Bing’s widow) and fashion designer Donatella Versace. I considered saving this gallery for Halloween, but what the hell ... here you go!

Thank y’all for reading this.

Laundry carts! Matzo farfel! Fungus cream! Glorioski!

You may have noticed that I haven’t been complaining much lately about health issues. Well surprise, today’s the day! I just want everybody to know the following: 1) my sense of taste is gone again; 2) I’ve got indigestion; 3) my feet are really hot; and 4) there’s an itchy rash between the fingers on my right hand. Items one, two and three are technically forms of diabetic neuropathy, which means there’s nothing I can do except hope they go away. (They will, eventually. But they always come back.) The rash thing is related to diabetes, too, but at least there’s a cream I can use for that.

It’s my plan to unload all this crap on Dr. M during my appointment tomorrow morning because that’s what she gets paid for.

God bless my pals at Amazon.com! Insomnia never gets me down any more because Amazon lets me drop in and do some of my best web shopping in the middle of the night when nobody else is around. I’m talking about pop-up foil sheets! Canned tomatoes! Shampoo! Insulin needles! Batteries in every conceivable size! Gefilte fish! Cordless phones! Coffee! TicTacs! Printer cartridges! Bisto gravy! Yahrzeit candles! Laundry carts! Matzo farfel! Fungus cream! Glorioski! This morning’s purchases appear below for your possible interest.

Okay, enough horsing around. It’s time to get serious and MAKE SOME FOOD so Sam and I can haul ourselves into the family room to watch the Olympics coverage we didn’t have time to finish last night. Thank a million for stopping by. Say hi to the family for me, okay?

Olympics news, musings and interesting crapola.

Howdy and happy Monday, y’all, from your parched pals in sun-baked Texas. The high today was 102°, marking our tenth straight day in the triple digits and our third consecutive week without precipitation. I’ve been hoping that tropical storm Ernesto would swing north after it hits the Yucatan tomorrow, strengthen over the Gulf of Mexico and slam into Houston as a really big hurricane — at least we’d finally get some rain! — but the latest storm tracking map on Weather.com blows my fantasy all to hell.

And now for some Olympics news, musings and interesting crapola.

• U.S. judo fighter Nick Delpopolo was expelled from the Games earlier today after testing positive for marijuana, which he insists he “ate accidentally” before arriving in London. Pass the brownies, Nick!
• British gymnast Beth Twiddle is a classic example of why people with serious dental issues should live in America.
• German gymnast Oksana Chusovitina, age 37, should be spending her money on a stylist instead of a coach. She looks so much like a 15-year-old boy that Sam and I had to rewind her vault performance three times.
• I wish somebody would tell NBC’s windbag swimming announcers Dan Hicks and Rowdy Gaines to “get a room.” They gaze at each other when they talk, sit so damn close you’d think they’re sharing a chair, and — I swear to God — Rowdy giggles, tilts his head and bats his eyelashes like a girl. (Check out the photo below.)

Holy cow, it’s already 6:30 and I haven’t thought about DINNER yet! Latkes with sour cream is at the top of my list because I’ve been moderately crabby all day (as evidenced by the snarky comments earlier in this post) and nothing improves my mood faster than a greasy stack of potato pancakes accompanied by a high-fat dairy product. Send me an email if you’d like to stop by tonight because I always make extras. Afterwards we can watch a couple of “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover” reruns and the Olympics. Thank you for reading this.

Introducing the Howdygram’s stimulus package.

The Howdygram has an immediate solution for our sagging economy. If the U.S. government wants to stimulate spending they should just give everybody a free membership to Costco! Even Sam, who’s not a “spender” or a “foodie” to the slightest degree whatsoever, will load a cart with industrial-size containers of incomprehensible crapola even if he’s not hungry. In my case, I practically need a Valium before I go. That’s how much fun it is at Costco! Thank God we only do this every three or four months. This morning we snagged all of the following essentials:

• three pounds of tortellini pasta salad
• a million jumbo cashews
• fresh stuffed bell peppers (tonight’s dinner)
• two gigantic bottles of KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce
• three gigantic bottles of Classico pasta sauce
• Kirkland kitchen trash bags
• a quart-size jar of fresh salsa
• frozen Angus beef hamburgers
• frozen Foster Farms chicken patty things
• frozen beef & bean burritos
• a package of 16 steak & cheese flautas
• three pounds of rotisserie chicken salad
• two pounds of pepper-jack cheese
• a partridge in a pear tree (I might be kidding about this one)

In an effort to be frugal I almost bought four half-pound cans of albacore tuna but changed my mind at the last minute.

For your possible interest the map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters in Mesquite; and B) Costco on Route 205 in Rockwall.

Our Costco is only three years old with a ton of handicapped parking and lots of little electric shopping carts, as pictured below. My cart was so super-charged this morning I did wheelies in frozen foods until Sam asked me to calm down because I was scaring people.

I’d better get dinner started so we can watch the Olympics recap and eat things at the same time. Tonight’s events include: 1) track & field; 2) apparatus finals in women’s gymnastics; 3) springboard diving (wake me when it’s over); and 4) lesbian women’s beach volleyball, where Misty May-Treanor and Kerry Walsh Jennings continue to pretend they’re doing something relevant. Frankly, you’d think two middle-aged women would have found something better to do with their lives by now. I’m just saying.

Thank you for reading this.

The shot put is as big a waste of time as “Dancing with the Stars.”

From our God Bless Texas department, in the event you’re really hard up for entertainment this morning please allow me to share the following video clip of “Whiplash,” the Mesquite Rodeo’s teeniest cowboy. Thank you.

Sam and I decided last night that we hate the shot put. Seriously, this track and field event is even more pointless than the luge, mostly because the latter at least offers the chance of a good crash now and then. The shot put involves an enormous sweaty doofus clutching a lead bowling ball against his neck (which, incidentally, is covered with gymnastics chalk), spinning around in a circle and then heaving the aforementioned bowling ball onto a field full of dents, where official little referees in matching hats run around with tape measures.

Sorry, people, but the Howdygram thinks somebody should terminate this idiotic event permanently. I don’t see how grunting 450-pound men with hairy armpits — such as fashion-forward Reese Hoffa, pictured above — are athletes by any stretch of the imagination, and watching them hurl bowling balls on television is as big a waste of time as “Dancing with the Stars.”

Another Olympic event that needs to go away is the trampoline, because it doesn’t qualify as gymnastics and it’s NOT a competitive sport ... it’s what 10-year-old showoffs do in their back yard. Last night we watched China’s star trampoline hotshot Dong Dong (see below) win gold while his siblings Long and Ding cheered from the stands. Just between us, I don’t understand the expression on Dong Dong’s face. Does bouncing hurt?

And finally, I’ve got some breaking news from the world of greasy snacks! Frito-Lay has a new outsourcing endeavor ... they’re willing to pay the general public a million dollars — you and me! — to invent a NEW FLAVOR COMBINATION for Lay’s potato chips! After giving this lots of thought, probably way more than it deserves, I came up with Marcy's Top Ten:

1. gefilte fish and horseradish
2. grilled cheese with Vlasic sugar-free bread & butter pickles
3. Cajun blackened shrimp with remoulade
4. Mongolian chicken
5. latkes with sour cream
6. guacamole
7. spaghetti and meatballs
8. matzo ball soup
9. Lou Malnati’s deep-dish sausage pizza
10. a BLT sandwich on white toast with fries and a dill pickle

Holy crap, I’m starving. Anybody want to do lunch?

The nutrition fairies will strike me dead for this.

Happy Friday from Howdygramland, y’all. This has been an exciting day of life-changing decisions and eager expectations for the future! For instance: 1) after Sam left for work I went to Vince’s Salon for a haircut; 2) I ordered a giant can of sugar-free vanilla shake mix from Amazon; and 3) I watched Cheaper by the Dozen (1950) with Clifton Webb and Myrna Loy. I also considered eating the sugar-free chocolate cake I made yesterday but decided to wait until later.

In retrospect I’m pretty sure none of those three activities actually qualifies a life-changing decision or eager future expectation, but what the hell, holy crap and let’s move on, okay?

In breaking news, apparently a fresh salad can be worse for you than a Big Mac. I just read on NBCNews.com that Wisconsin-based Garden Fresh is recalling SEVEN TONS OF PACKAGED SALADS because they contain ingredients possibly contaminated with Listeria. If you think about it, I can’t ever remember a Big Mac recall for any reason whatsoever, which means McDonald’s is obviously healthier than a bag of greens. (I’m pretty sure the nutrition fairies will eventually strike me dead for this.)

Here’s a hot story from the London Olympics. Less than 24 hours after winning gold for her all-around gynmastics performance Gabby Douglas’ face is already on a box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. During the next few months I’m sure her smiley little kisser will show up in ads for damn near anything from tampons to yogurt to lip gloss to Fruit of the Loom underpants.

Nice going, Gabby. You’ve only been famous for one stinking day and already people are getting tired of you. (Check out a few of the comments online.)

And now it’s time for a nice shower followed by that piece of frosted cake I postponed a couple of hours ago. Thank you for reading this.

Olympic sports to avoid: water polo, men’s volleyball, rowing, synchronized farting and canoe painting.

I’ll bet you thought I wasn’t planning to write a post today. Well, guess what ... you’re wrong! It was hard to find the time, however, because it’s been busy around here. Following a two-hour afternoon nap, I: 1) baked a sugar-free chocolate frosted cake; 2) watched “Project Runway,” last night’s episode of “Dallas” and a racy 1931 Myrna Loy movie called The Barbarian; 3) ate gefilte fish; and 4) enjoyed NBC’s four-hour Olympics recap in less than 60 minutes. In case you’re wondering how I accomplished item four, I record the Olympics on our DVR and then fast-forward through all the horseshit that doesn’t interest me, such as water polo, men’s volleyball, rowing, synchronized farting, canoe painting and commercials. What remained were a couple of swimming finals — another big day for Michael Phelps! — and watching teeny little Gabby Douglas win the all-around gold medal in women’s gymnastics.

I also ordered some excellent stuff from Amazon today, including a package of kitchen scrubby sponges and teeny bottles of intense flavor oil. If, for some inexplicable reason, these purchases are not self-explanatory, I use the kitchen scrubby sponges to scrub things in the kitchen and the teeny bottles of intense flavor oil to add — wait for it — intense flavor! For instance, you can smoosh nine or ten drops into a can of sugar-free frosting. This also works for pudding. Missing from the image below are three boxes of Ziploc quart-size storage bags. (Try to forgive me.)

And now, while I wait for Sam to get home from work (he’s already two hours late), I think I’ll whack off a nice slab of that aforementioned sugar-free chocolate frosted cake and watch a “Hardcore Pawn” rerun. Turn out the light when you’re done here, okay?

I wonder if anybody still makes banana popsicles.

In case you’re bored and want to know what I’m doing this afternoon, I just ordered another crate of sugar-free syrups so Sam and I can make our own phosphates at home. This time we’re getting watermelon, lime, raspberry, banana, black cherry and two each of peach and pineapple. The Howdygram’s phosphate recipe is a simple one: 8 pumps of syrup in a tall glass, a 12-ounce can of cold seltzer and a bunch of ice cubes.

In the past I always ordered these from DaVinciGourmet at $7.95 each until I discovered Lollicup, where they’re only $4.85. Lollicup charges more for shipping but the grand total is still a lot cheaper than DaVinci, almost like getting two bottles for free. (I highly recommend free things.) My favorite flavors are peach and banana. The peach syrup tastes exactly like fresh peaches and the banana syrup reminds me of banana popsicles when I was a kid. Oy. I wonder if anybody still makes banana popsicles.

Breaking news! Most of you probably don’t know that the Howdygram is creeping up on a huge milestone. Although I can’t really predict the exact date, this fall I’ll be celebrating ONE THOUSAND POSTS since the Howdygram first burst forth from my brain on December 1, 2009. Counting this one, so far I’ve written 913. Holy crap. And I mean this sincerely.

I think it’s time for an old Adolphe Menjou movie and a nice afternoon nap because it’s too damn hot to do anything else except maybe eat gefilte fish. Today’s film is a stupid but funny selection called Father Takes a Wife (1941) co-starring Gloria Swanson with Desi Arnaz in a bit part. I’m positive that somebody dubbed Desi’s singing voice, however, since he sounds nothing whatsoever like Ricky Ricardo in “I Love Lucy.”

Have a nice day. Drop me a line sometime.

Has anybody ever noticed that China’s female athletes mostly look like men?

I just checked Weather.com and noticed that the temperature here will hit 108° today and 107° tomorrow. Quite honestly, I’m a little freaked out about this because I didn’t sign up to live in the MOJAVE DESERT. Holy crap, people, this is Dallas! What are we supposed to do with our GREEN TREES and RIVERS and CATTLE and PUBLIC PARKS and LAWNS and PETS and PLAYGROUNDS!? It’s so damn hot around here you can’t even park your car outdoors long enough to eat a plate of Senior Scrambled Eggs at Denny’s, which shouldn’t take more than 30 stinking minutes if you get a decent waitress.

I personally don’t intend to leave the house for any reason whatsoever even though Sam is already at Pep Boys replacing the flat tire on our Hyundai (check out my previous post).

Breaking news from the London Olympics this morning is a story that eight women badminton players from China, South Korea and Indonesia were expelled from the Games for intentionally trying to lose, apparently in an effort to play against easier teams in the round robin elimination. Although I’m not inferring that badminton is in any way an interesting, relevant, fun to watch or stimulating sport, it’s really crappy that paying ticket holders were treated to the sight of athletes purposely lousing up their serves and throwing games. After 45 minutes of booing, Olympics officials finally threw the players off the court and had them expelled. On a slightly different subject, has anybody ever noticed that China’s female athletes mostly look like men?

Howdygram headquarters is humming this morning! As I write this post I’ve got a crew of maids cleaning the kitchen, landscapers galloping all over the front yard and any minute now Schwan’s will knock on my front door with this week’s delivery of tasty but convenient frozen crapola, pictured below for your possible interest. I almost thought Schwan’s showed up early today but it was only a couple of well-dressed Jehovah’s Witnesses. Somebody should tell them it’s too hot today to sell religion.

Sam just got home. Thank you for reading this.