Another tale from the pit of Diabetesland.

While I was watching the election results last night I saw a public service announcement on MSNBC about two popular injectable “wonder drugs” for type 2 diabetes — Victoza and Byetta — that are now believed to cause pancreatic cancer.

As a modern type 2 diabetic who’s always willing to try the latest and greatest, I used both of these prescription poisons for several months beginning in August 2011 before Dr. M (thank God) switched me to insulin.

And if that’s not enough to send a person screaming into the night, you may recall an earlier Howdygram post about Actos, another diabetes wonder drug that I took for nearly two years. Actos ruined my life with side effects and is now known to trigger bladder cancer. HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP.

I need to watch “Top Chef” and eat dinner now. Thank you for reading this.

Glorioski!

Glorioski and yee-haw! In case you’ve been hiding under a rock, everybody on the planet should know by now that President Adorable Obama won yesterday’s election.

Sam and I stayed up late last night to watch all the requisite election night festivities on MSNBC, including: 1) Romney waving goodbye (see ya, Mittens!); 2) a massive Obama victory celebration with the biggest slabs of red, white and blue confetti I’ve ever seen in my life; and 3) the Reverend Al Sharpton, pictured at right, enjoying his new career as a mainstream political pundit.

Regarding snazzy little Reverend Sharpton, I learned last night that he’s three years younger than me after commenting that he voted for the very first time in 1972 when he was 18 years old. Seriously, I thought the dude was at least 70. I feel sick.

Speaking of feeling sick, this is a perfect segue into my next topic: DONALD TRUMP. Back on October 23 Trump was recognized as the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week (see post), and his outrageous election night behavior has qualified him once again after shooting off his big dumb mouth on Twitter.

Four of Trump’s aforementioned Twitter posts appear below, all bordering on treason. A later tweet demanded revolution. Why the hell can’t somebody in the Republican party figure out how to shut him up?

 It’s time for lunch. I love lunch.

Sam might not like it if I beat the crap out of our 60-inch TV.

I’m a nervous wreck. I can’t watch the election results yet because the presidential contest is still too close and Sam might not like it if I beat the crap out of our 60-inch TV with my cane. Therefore, I’ve kept myself occupied this evening with two worthwhile non-political activities: 1) downloading free fonts; and 2) shopping for shoes.

First, the shoes. I ordered a nice pair of leather mules with stretchy things (see right) for shuffling around the Choctaw Casino and/or Trader Joe’s. I haven’t had any new shoes for a very long time because I rarely leave the house. In case you’re interested, I bought black, not silver, because I don’t want people to think I’m a floozy.

Second, the fonts. These were all FREE (with the exception of Captain Narrow, as explained in my previous post) from a variety of excellent free-font websites, including FontSquirrel.com, FontSpace.com and uFonts.com. Are these great, or what? Depending on how long it takes for MSNBC to declare a winner I might be downloading free fonts all night long. Holy crap.

Sam just got home from work so it’s finally time to turn on the TV and watch election results. Also because I think I have enough new fonts for the time being. Thank you.

Reward yourself with a new font after you vote today. Also a pizza.

It’s finally here … Election Day in America! At first I had seriously considered a full-on 18-hour MSNBC marathon starting at 8 a.m. except other pressing matters eventually got in the way, such as: 1) taking a lot of pills; 2) a nice nap; 3) watching 30 minutes of The Great Gatsby (1974) starring Mia Farrow and Robert Redford; 4) buying a pile of Election Day essentials from Wal-Mart.com; and 5) writing this post. Election results and MSNBC will have to wait until after the polls close tonight. There’s just too damn much going on here right now.

In the meantime, I’d like to offer explanations for items 3 and 4 above because inquiring minds want to know. I only watched half an hour of The Great Gatsby because it sucked, and my Election Day essentials from Wal-Mart included all of the products pictured below.

If you haven’t already voted please grab a few friends and do this NOW. And you’ll make an old lady excruciatingly happy — I refer, of course, to moi — if you’ll vote for President Obama. (Sam would appreciate it, too.)

I think I should mention something. The cool font I used for the graphic posted above is called Captain Narrow and it’s a collection of 21 thrilling styles on sale for only TWO MEASLY BUCKS at MyFonts.com. Reward yourself with a new font after you vote today. Also a pizza.

Thank you for reading this.

Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive.

One more thing. Actually ... 25 of them! I just received an email from the Obama for America campaign asking me to tweet or post the following list of reasons from 25 people who are voting to re-elect the president. I can do that, and here they are.

1. “The Affordable Care Act is saving my daughter’s life.” Stacey, Arizona 
2. “Obama is for the vets. He helped us wind down in Iraq, he’s improved mental health policy with VA benefits.” Joel, Minnesota
3. “Obama stuck his neck out for us, the auto industry. He wasn’t going to let it just die, and I’m driving in this morning because of that, because of him.” Brian, Ohio 
4. “Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive.” Joe Biden, Delaware 
5. “Supreme Court Supreme Court Supreme Court.” Andrew, California 
6. “Arithmetic.” Bill Clinton, New York 
7. “He cares for the 100 percent.” Shana, Texas 
8. “When Obama came into office he successfully renewed our country’s place in the community of nations, making cooperation in tackling the world’s challenges possible.” Willis, North Carolina 
9. “The actions he has taken with respect to protecting us from terrorism have been very, very solid.” Colin Powell, Virginia 
10. “I was really very grateful to him for standing up for those kids who are having a really rough time out there because of their orientation.” Jane Lynch, California 
11. “For me, President Obama is our best choice because he has a vision of the United States as a place where we are all in this together.” Bruce Springsteen, New Jersey 
12. “He has a real plan for rescuing the economy that passes the ‘math’ test.” Teresa, Virginia 
13. “Having someone in office who understands how powerful our voice can be is very important.” Jay Z, New York 
14. “I am voting for Barack Obama and Joe Biden because I can trust them to care for the middle class and restore the American dream.” Steven, Florida 
15. “The first measure he signed into law after becoming president was the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act — so a female high school counselor or physical education teacher can fight for equal pay for equal work.” Connie Britton, California 
16. “I believe in the America he wants for my grandchildren.” Nancy, Michigan 
17. “We need four more years of repair, of helping the middle class achieve a sustainable economy.” James Taylor, North Carolina 
18. “I’ve watched him fight for our country, stand by the middle class, the working class, the military, the education of our children, universal health care, women, the environment, and matters of national and domestic security.” Susan, Virginia 
19. “The gifted 12-year-old I taught, whose parents were deported and left her here with her grandmother, will be allowed to stay and finish her education. She’s been in the U.S. since age one.” Jamie, North Carolina 
20. “When I step into the voting booth, I think about the world I want to leave my two daughters, and the values that are required to guide us there.” Michael Bloomberg, New York 
21. “I have four children who are under 26 and able to stay on my health care plan. That’s been huge.” Amy, Pennsylvania 
22. “He’s fighting to defend and better Social Security and Medicare — because millions of Latino seniors rely on them.” Cristina Saralegui, Florida 
23. “Thanks to the President’s efforts to keep student loan rates low, I can expect to save nearly $1000 as I work to repay my student loans. And I don’t have too many of those, thanks to the Federal Pell Grant program.” Sam, Minnesota 
24. “It’s been wonderful to have President Obama as a champion for access to health care for all women in this country.” Cecile Richards, New York 
25. “Re-electing Barack Obama would lead to a stronger economic recovery than would be the case were Mitt Romney to win on November 6th.” Jared Bernstein, Washington, D.C.

Thank you for putting up with me. Now for sure it’s time to eat dinner!

Vote for President Obama and please tell your friends.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but Sam and I are so fed up with the 2012 presidential campaign — dating all the way back to those moronic GOP primary debates — that we’re ready to hang ourselves. However, all the national polls today are pointing to President Obama’s re-election (thank God), so with any luck the next time I’m forced to hear Mitt Romney’s voice will be his concession speech sometime tomorrow night.  

The sooner the better.

For comic relief, in case you’ve got a really short memory, I’m pleased to include this portrait of the original cast of characters from the aforementioned GOP debates. There wasn’t (and still isn’t) a worthwhile or qualified candidate in the entire crowd.

Here’s a follow-up to the current crisis in Diabetesland as outlined in my last post. I called the pharmacy manager at Wal-Mart this morning and told her that Novolin R insulin is no better than a bottle of sludge from the Trinity River. After asking a few routine questions to determine whether or not I’m a crackpot, she consulted the medicine gods at Blue Cross and agreed to switch my prescription back to Humulin at no additional cost whatsoever. Sam can pick it up in the morning. Two months’ worth. I’m so damn excited I think I’ll eat a bunch of hard-boiled eggs.

Tomorrow is Election Day. VOTE FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA AND PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS. Thank you.

Who wouldn’t want a spleen pillow for only $18?

There’s a crisis afoot in Diabetesland tonight. Last week I refilled my prescription for mealtime insulin and Wal-Mart gave me a substitute brand — ReliOn Novolin R — which is a different name than the product they sold me last time. I questioned it when they handed me the bag but the pharmacy technician promised it was exactly the same as Humulin. However ... I started using Novolin R on Friday, and you know what? THIS STUFF DOESN’T WORK. My blood sugar has been rising steadily all weekend even though I’m injecting more than enough insulin before every meal and counting my carbs like a fanatic. This is so frustrating I might have to whack somebody with my cane. Sam says I should call Wal-Mart in the morning and tell them what’s going on. If I don’t get the right answers — and quite honestly, I really haven’t got too much confidence in this — I’ll call Dr. M and unload on her.

Are you getting ready to shop for Hanukkah? I ran across a cool new website last night where a person can find adorable gifts for absolutely practically ANYBODY. It’s called UncommonGoods.com and a sample smattering of their merchandise is illustrated for you here, including plush throw pillows in your choice of 11 different internal organs (a uterus and brain appear below), a stylish men’s wallet made of duct tape and a ceramic face mug with room in the base to store cookies. All are very reasonably priced — who wouldn’t want a spleen pillow for only $18? — and guaranteed to delight unsuspecting relatives and friends.

I’ve finally calmed down so maybe now is a good time to wrap up this post and go to bed. It was nice of you to drop in. Say hi to the family for me, okay?

Drumstick ice cream cones: the official hors d’oeuvres of Howdygram headquarters.

Happy Sunday from Howdygram headquarters where, after sleeping through a really boring western, Sam remains comfortably unconscious in the family room as I write this post. The aforementioned boring western was The Kansan (1943) starring Richard Dix and Jane Wyatt, the semi-dopey tale of a drifter who gets shot stopping a bank robbery and wakes up in the hospital to find out he’s been elected marshal. Albert Dekker is on hand as the bad guy, but that’s hardly a casting surprise because Albert Dekker is ALWAYS the bad guy. Makes you wonder if this Dekker dude was an evil, crooked jerk in real life, too. (Probably not.) My only real issue with this movie is Richard Dix, who consistently has the personality of an eggplant.

When Sam eventually wakes up, tonight’s entertainment will include homemade matzo ball soup if I can stop typing long enough to throw everything into a pot and the Cowboys vs. Atlanta Falcons game on NBC. If soup and football sound better than what’s on your current Sunday night agenda, please send me an email right away and we’ll save you a seat. The festivities begin at 7 p.m. You can wear a bathrobe if you want to.

With Election Day almost upon us I’d like to share three more outstanding videos from the Obama for America campaign. They’re all definitely worth watching and I hope you’ll give them a few minutes of your time. And tell your friends.







Holy crap, I’d better get started making soup or Sam won’t have anything to eat when he wakes up except for Drumstick ice cream cones, which technically only qualify as hors d’oeuvres. Thank you for reading this.

Sam, Sherlock and a couple of excellent videos.

Before I join Sam in the family room to watch the last half of a Sherlock Holmes movie I thought I’d share the following two excellent video clips for your entertainment and enlightenment. The first is a monologue by Bill Maher from his Friday night “Real Time” program on HBO; the second is Vice President Joe Biden discussing what senior citizens can expect from Romney and Ryan. Please take a couple of minutes to watch both of them even if you’d rather be doing something else. Thank you.

Tomorrow will mark the final event of my week-long birthday celebration — SUNDAY BRUNCH AT BLUE MESA — where we’ll dine on fajitas, guacamole, sweet potato chips, adobe pie, teeny made-to-order omelets, smoked brisket, street tacos, excellent little sausages and enough mango ice tea to make your kidneys collapse. They also have Belgian waffles with whipped cream and exquisite little flans, but Sam has to eat those without my help because I have diabetes.

A quick public service announcement before I head back to Sam and Sherlock ... don’t forget to change your clocks tonight! I have no use whatosever for all this crap about Daylight Savings Time, except that switching back in November means I’m an hour younger and I’ll take all the extra hours I can get. Thank you for reading this.

Emotional groceries and the GOP has a “movement”.

It finally happened people. This morning at 8:30 Sam and I pulled into a parking spot in front of our new Trader Joe’s in Plano! HOLY CRAP! I hadn’t seen or set foot in a Trader Joe’s since we left California in 2o07, so this was a stirring and emotional moment for me. In case you’re interested, the store was completely empty at that hour because the snooty citizens of Plano don’t get up before 10 on weekends.

Concerning our grocery haul ... we loaded our cart with the following pile of thrilling old favorites:

• cashews
• dried apricots
• a tasty little container of egg white salad
• frozen veggie burgers
• chicken taquitos
• Trader Joe’s potato salad
• bagels and lox
• mostly tasteless high-fiber wheat bread
• hummos
• California rolls with the hottest wasabi in North America
• stuffed bell peppers
• a hunk of havarti cheese

I wanted to buy more but my knees gave out, so I limped back to the car while Sam took charge of the checkout routine. Our plans for the remainder of the day include eating everything in sight. I’ve already consumed the California rolls and egg white salad; my next victim will be havarti while watching George Sanders in The Falcon’s Brother (1942). In the event you’re into movie star crapola, the brother is played by Tom Conway who, coincidentally, was George Sanders’ ACTUAL BROTHER.

And finally, no pre-election Howdygram post would be complete without one more sarcastic shot at GOP jellyfish Mitt Romney, who coined a new phrase today while campaigning in Ohio.

Thank you for putting up with me. I think I need some food now.

Friends don’t let friends vote for Romney.

Here at Howdygram headquarters it’s been a strange and lazy day fraught with conflicts, which I’ll elaborate for you below.

Conflict #1. I conked out on the chaise in the family room before Sam left for work at 1:15 so I didn’t get a chance to tell him he looked cute and have a nice day. I hate that. To cheer myself up afterwards I ordered four squeezy bottles of Koop’s Spicy Brown Deli Mustard from the National Mustard Museum. Mustard solves everything.

Conflict #2. I want a large quantity of hot food for dinner tonight but don’t feel like cooking. My available options include: 1) continuing to whine; 2) hiring servants; or 3) ordering things from China City. I’ll probably pick door number three.

Conflict #3. I’m sick of the presidential election and November 6 can’t come soon enough. My final thought on the subject: FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS VOTE FOR ROMNEY. President Obama and I thank you.

In other news, Sam and I will continue to celebrate my birthday this weekend with a Saturday shopping excursion to the brand new Trader Joe’s in Plano and brunch on Sunday at Blue Mesa. While Blue Mesa is a favorite of ours and their brunch is consistently wonderful — unlimited guacamole! steak fajitas! adobe pies! teeny omelets! — I’m especially hysterical about our plans for Saturday because I haven’t set foot in a Trader Joe’s since we left California in 2007. Holy crap, I’ve had my grocery list ready for TWO YEARS! Be sure to check in with the Howdygram over the weekend for late-breaking updates.

And finally ... from our Advanced Fruit Instruction department and the helpful screwballs at Foodbeast.com, I’m pleased to post the following educational video that demonstrates how to shuck a strawberry. I seriously can’t wait to try this, which gives you some idea what kind of life I lead.



I want to call China City now. Thank you for reading this.

Thank you for reading this on my birthday.

Hi, people. Happy birthday to me! I have to spend the evening alone because Sam’s at work, but as a consolation prize I get to eat weird and tasty crap while watching “People’s Court” reruns until well past midnight. Possible selections for the aforementioned weird and tasty crap may include any or all of the following: 1) a Schwan’s frozen omelet; 2) a bag of Lowrey’s Bacon Curls; 3) freeze-dried green beans with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray; 4) Mongolian chicken; and/or 5) egg salad on a low-carb tortilla. Please send an email as soon as possible if you’d like to participate in my birthday food extravaganza. The festivities begin at 8 p.m., napkins included.

In case you’re interested in a truly shlocky one-star horror flick, please allow me to recommend The Devil Bat (1940) starring Bela Lugosi with a supporting cast of unknown actors and flying rodents. Sam and I had an opportunity to watch this dreck-fest during lunch today.

Bela Lugosi plays “kindly Dr. Carruthers,” a beloved local scientist who invents after shave lotion by day and giant killer bats by night in his secret laboratory in order to kill off the owners of a cosmetic company and their pals, employees and offspring.

This is all so hilarious and unbelievably lame you won’t mind wasting 68 minutes of your life ... even if it means being late for work.

Before I forget, in case you’re still undecided in the upcoming presidential election or need a few solid reminders why you should re-elect President Obama, please click the image below to take a look at the 39 best reasons.

Thank you for reading this on my birthday. Smooches to everybody from Howdygram headquarters.

Thursday is my 61st birthday and there’s still plenty of time to shop.

It’s Halloween night and I’m hiding in the study. I can hear car doors slamming and clusters of kids running past the house, but nobody’s ringing my bell because the lights are off and it looks like nobody’s home. This, quite honestly, is absolutely swell! When I finish writing this post I plan to clean out a couple of desk drawers, fill my pill sorter for the week ahead and enjoy my favorite late-night snack: a low-carb vanilla milkshake and a bowl of Vlasic sugar-free bread & butter pickles.

Stop laughing. I have a rich and rewarding life.

From our Puzzling Hobbies and Pastimes department, if you’re a regular Howdygrammer you’ve undoubtedly noticed by now that I redesigned the banner graphic today! I do this frequently. I don’t know why. Some of you may postulate that I have way too much time on my hands, and I think I have to agree with you.

Tomorrow (Thursday) is my 61st birthday and you will be pleased to know there’s still plenty of time to shop. Toward that end, I wouldn’t mind receiving any or all of the following suggested presents. A photo montage appears below in case you need visual aids.

• Cash in any denomination; foreign currency accepted.
• Greeting cards, emails, telephone calls and a big sack of miscellaneous groceries.
• An eye exam with dilation ($90) and new progressive trifocals ($425). 
• A case of Loma Linda Swiss Stake fake meat in a can. Amazon has this.
• Nice stretchy socks for diabetics from FootSmart.com, size women’s 11.5–13. I’d like two pair of white and two pair of black for $23.97. Thank you.
• Lowrey’s hot & spicy microwave Bacon Curls, 18 individual bags for $18.99 from Amazon. (They’re addicting.)
• A box of 100 insulin syringes, size 1ml/cc, 29 gauge, ½-inch length. Try Wal-Mart.

It’s 10:15 p.m. and the Halloween hoo-hah has subsided outside, which means I can finally stop hiding in the study and turn on a few lights. I might even live dangerously and take a shower. Thank you for reading this.

Boo, y’all.

A quick word of warning in case you’re in the neighborhood today with a zombie mask and an empty grocery bag: Howdygram headquarters no longer celebrates Halloween because I’m way too crabby to waste my time throwing handfuls of bubble gum at screechy little strangers. However I do want to share the following vintage Marks family Halloween portrait featuring adorable Sam at age four (lower left) and three of his favorite relations.

Just for the record, Steve is Sam’s older brother, Ben is Sam’s (late) father, and Uncle Frank currently haunts an assisted living facility in North Hollywood.

Boo, y’all, and thank you for reading this.

No more horsing around in Diabetesland.

All’s not well in Diabetesland today after another scary hypoglycemic hoo-hah. Sometime around 4 p.m. I took a nap on the chaise in the family room and had a really hard time waking up afterwards. I kept drifting back to sleep for more than an hour until I forced myself to stand and wobble into the study to check my blood sugar, which was only 43. FORTY-THREE. Holy crap, people, that’s an all-new low for me and not a good number. I never realized that learning to use mealtime insulin would turn into such a balancing act. Thank God for glucose chewables, which is now a featured entrée here at Howdygram headquarters and my new favorite food*. Sam wants me to find a way to wear them around my neck.

At the moment I think I should take a nice hot shower, eat some real food and stop horsing around here. I know you’ll understand. Thank you.

*Not counting Mongolian chicken and sugar-free pie.

I’m glad my feet are dry and I’ve got terrific crap to eat.

Even though we won’t end up with any weather from Hurricane Sandy here in Texas, Sam is still doing his part! He’ll be staying late tonight at work because his company’s offices are shut down on the east coast and other sites around the country have to pick up the extra workload. To amuse myself in the meantime I’m baking a low-carb chocolate chocolate chip pound cake and watching live TV coverage of the flooding in Manhattan. I’m glad my feet are dry and I’ve got terrific crap to eat.

While I’m on the subject of food (as usual), a couple of days ago I placed an order with Netrition.com that probably won’t ship anytime soon because their warehouse is in New York. Somebody please explain how a person is supposed to survive without her low-carb chocolate bars and macaroons. This really sucks.

If you’d like to waste 68 minutes of your life with the lousiest movie ever made, the Howdygram can wholeheartedly recommend Surf Party (1964), a low-budget black & white clunker starring Bobby Vinton, a trailer full of strangely-affectionate girlfriends and forgettable songs written by a fourth grader from Malibu. It’s so awful you can’t stop watching.

Thank you for reading this.

Happy Chevy Truck Month to you and yours.

It’s sunny and 75° here at Howdygram headquarters, and I’m pleased to report that Texas is possibly one of the few states that’s not getting any stupid weather from Hurricane Sandy. If you’re anywhere on the east coast of the United States today, WEAR NOSE PLUGS!

I enjoyed a restful day of slugdom yesterday with Sam that included sleeping until 10:45 a.m., homemade tacos featuring Shelf Reliance TVP imitation taco meat, a nap, watching game four of the World Series and a number of entertaining movies, including: 1) Advise and Consent (1962) starring Henry Fonda, Franchot Tone, Charles Laughton and Walter Pidgeon; 2) All the President’s Men (1976) starring Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford; 3) Seven Days in May (1964) starring Burt Lancaster, Kirk Douglas and Fredric March; and 4) and 20 Million Miles to Earth (1957) starring a bunch of bad actors playing Italians with crappy accents. There was, however, a decent monster created by legendary special effects guru Ray Harryhausen. Ray and the aforementioned decent monster appear above right; a spellbinding action sequence from 20 Million Miles to Earth appears below, depicting U.S. soldiers in Rome (don’t ask) trying to subdue a 40-foot creature from outer space with cap pistols and walkie talkies.

The other three films mentioned above are all outstanding political thrillers based on bestselling books. Advise and Consent concerns a fictitious and terminally ill president played by Franchot Tone attempting to get the Senate to approve his pick for Secretary of State, who’s a really nice ex-Commie played by Henry Fonda. All the President’s Men is the true story of two Washington Post reporters who uncovered a trail of corruption that led to the eventual resignation of President Richard Nixon. Saving the best (in my view) for last, Seven Days in May tells the story of a plot by scary U.S. military leaders, led by Burt Lancaster, to overthrow the U.S. government. Kirk Douglas is the good guy who blows the whistle. Apparently the original bestseller from 1962 was based on the actual right-wing political activities of General Edwin A. Walker after he resigned from the military in 1959. Holy crap.

An apology. I realized last night during the World Series that October was Chevy Truck Month. I neglected to mail appropriate holiday cards this year but promise to remember in 2013. Thank you.

One last thought before I shlep into the family room for lemonade and an afternoon nap. I ordered the following plastic organizers last night from Amazon to help me keep track of my crapola. Two are for the pantry; two are for the fridge. All four were cheap. And as everybody knows, cheap is good.

If you feel like coming over later I could use a gallon of milk. Thank you.

Glucose chewables from Wal-Mart: the most popular snack in Diabetesland!

Sam and I had a fun and frisky Saturday even though it began a little on the weird side for yours truly. I woke at 5 a.m. for no worthwhile reason whatsoever, and after hanging out at my desk for a couple of minutes I realized I was unusually hungry and wobbly so I tested my blood sugar, and 52 was way too low again. A thin-crust Super Supreme from Pizza Hut would have been an excellent solution, but since they don’t open at dawn for breakfast — and neither does China City, damn them — I did the next best thing: glucose chewables from Wal-Mart. They’re the most popular snack in Diabetesland!

A few hours later Sam and I headed north to the Choctaw Casino in Durant, Oklahoma, where we made a big hoo-hah of my birthday (a few days early, in case you’re keeping track) at the buffet and then horsed around afterwards at the penny slots. This time they had my favorite sugar-free pie — banana cream — but NO PEA SALAD. I was counting on pea salad! I didn’t conceal my disappointment very well, unfortunately, and after Sam couldn’t calm me down with two whacks of a serving spoon our waitress had to call security. (Just kidding.) A nice photo of the casino’s buffet appears below. There’s a dude carving something in the foreground but I don’t know who he is and neither does Sam.

In case you’re planning ahead for the holidays, here’s a festive candy option to share with your friends, relatives and coworkers. Order yours today from Amazon.com and tell ’em Marcy sent you. Holy crap, I hope they make a sugar-free version!

Thank you for reading this.

A bowl full of heaven for unsuspecting family and friends.

And now, for your culinary pleasure, I’m pleased to present one of my all-time favorite concoctions — Marcy’s Pink and Fluffy Puffy Crap — a healthy mock dessert that’s loaded with a variety of strange and tasty stuff. If you’re feeling adventurous, here are the ingredients:

• 2 cups plain yogurt (not drained)
• 1 cup light or nonfat sour cream
• ½ cup All Bran cereal
• 1 cup Shelf Reliance freeze-dried raspberries
• 15 to 20 packages of Equal 

Smoosh everything together in a nice bowl, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least two hours until the raspberries and All Bran puff up. The result is a small mountain of fluffy pink mousse that could count as a whole meal.

If you don’t feel like investing in a can of Thrive freeze-dried raspberries you can also make this dessert with defrosted frozen fruit, such as pineapple, sliced strawberries or mango. Feel free to throw in any liquid you get from the defrosting process.

Thank you for reading this.

Chicken fried steak. Think of it like bungee jumping with a knife and fork.

I’m starving to death as I write this post. Sam is at Wal-Mart buying pastrami and low-carb tortillas to meet the requirements of my ongoing sandwich craving since I don’t eat bread any more owing to the fact that I’m diabetic. I plan to roll up a few pastrami tacos for lunch today with Koop’s horseradish mustard. If you think this sounds unappetizing, you’re nuts.

I also plan to indulge with Marcy’s Pink and Fluffy Puffy Crap, a faux dessert of my own invention that involves a generous wad of plain yogurt, All Bran, freeze-dried raspberries and a frightening quantity of Equal, all mooshed together and refrigerated until it resembles Pepto Bismol mousse. It’s heaven in a bowl! I’ll post the recipe with a photo later today, so don’t forget to come back.

Before I begin expounding on weather news, here’s another installment of our Holy Crap Gallery! With the possible exception of Liza Minnelli, you’d have to be at least 50 to remember Barbara Eden (“I Dream of Jeannie”), pop singer Leslie Gore or Nancy Sinatra. To tell you the truth, Nancy is the only one that I’d recognize if I ran into her on the street even though she has a completely new mouth. As for the others, Barbara Eden’s eyes have disappeared under those chipmunk cheek implants, Leslie Gore looks like a myopic cashier and Liza is just plain scary.

Fall has finally arrived in north Texas! Following unexpected middle-of-the-night rainfall and a bunch of noisy wind, the high today will be 59° with our first hard freeze expected tomorrow morning. This, of course, is nothing compared to what’s heading for east coast of the United States. By Monday Hurricane Sandy will join with a nor’easter of epic proportions — including extreme tides, heavy rain, high wind and the snowstorm from hell — and slam into Baltimore, Washington, New York and New Jersey, causing The Weather Channel’s fear-mongers to predict $1 billion in damage before anybody’s even had a chance to tie down their lawn chairs. A squiggly forecast map from Weather.com appears below as a visual aid.

And finally, today is National Chicken Fried Steak Day, the official state entree of Texas. If you’ve never had the pleasure, chicken fried steak is a slab of pounded beef that’s battered, deep-fried and buried under lumpy wallpaper paste flecked with black pepper. Typical accompaniments include mashed potatoes, black-eyed peas, Texas toast and little fried okra nipples. The meal pictured below will slam your arteries shut in less than 15 minutes but it’s definitely worth the risk. Think of it like bungee jumping with a knife and fork.

I need a nap. Thank you for reading this.

I think I finally nailed my ongoing toaster and can opener conundrum.

A couple of things. First, y’all will be pleased to learn that I’ve finally figured out the best way to arrange my kitchen counters, and it only took five and a half years. (Okay, so I’m slow. You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.) My biggest challenges have been correct placement of my toaster and electric can opener, which I’ve plugged and unplugged at least 275 times, moving them hither and yon from counter to counter for more than half a decade, always ending up frustrated, dissatisfied and despondent.

It’s a real possibility that I might be insane.

Regardless, this morning I think I finally nailed my ongoing toaster and can opener conundrum — glorioski! — as illustrated below, now neatly parked between the bread machine and the knives. Please note how clean they all are. The bottom photo is a portrait of my two shiny new side-by-side spice racks. I spent all day yesterday filling the jars. (Note: The smell of basil can make you gag.)

Second, I’d like to share the following graphic from Obama for America’s website in case you need a few additional reasons to re-elect the president. And just for the record, since this supporter put together various points on the list below the economy has added nearly 5.2 million private sector jobs over 31 consecutive months. Thank you.

Sam just called to tell me he won’t be able to leave work until midnight, which means I can fill the next couple of hours with a nice shower, an episode of “People’s Court” and foraging snacks in the kitchen. I love my life.

The Howdygram strongly recommends early voting. You can go to Denny’s afterwards.

We did it. WE VOTED THIS MORNING. It was so much fun Sam wants to vote again tomorrow!

Our polling place at the Lakeside Activity Center — yes, it’s actually next to a lake — was not quite as chaotic as Tuesday (see earlier post) so we decided to grab the last handicapped parking spot and get in line with an intriguing assortment of old people, yahoos, Elvis impersonators and neighbors. I hope the huge turnout means everybody’s voting for President Obama but I can’t be positive. Incidentally, the Howdygram strongly recommends early voting because you can go to Denny’s afterwards and have a little party. (Try the Senior Scrambled Eggs.)

More breaking election news! According to an article today on Foodbeast.com, out of 2,094 voting-age adults 59% would rather eat a hamburger with President Barack Obama and 41% with Mitt Romney. WHAT A LANDSLIDE! Smashburger hired Harris Interactive to conduct the survey online, and the results also revealed which former U.S. president Americans would choose for a burger buddy: 22% for Clinton; 15% for Abraham Lincoln; 14% for John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan; 5% for Teddy Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington; and 4% for George W. Bush and Jimmy Carter.

Personally, I can’t believe 4% of Americans would pick George W. Bush to do their yard work. And what the hell ever happened to FDR, Grover Cleveland or — better yet — Millard Fillmore?

In case I’ve piqued your interest, Millard Fillmore, a Whig, became president of the United States following the death of Zachary Taylor in 1850, at which time Taylor’s entire cabinet resigned because they hated Fillmore’s creepy little guts. After his term in office ended (1853) Fillmore joined the Know-Nothing movement and opposed Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War. His most popular accomplishment was co-founding the Buffalo Historical Society. Holy crap.

I think I’d better eat something. I just tested my blood sugar and it was only 49, which is maybe two or three points away from calling 911 and certainly explains why I just wrote a Howdygram post about Millard Fillmore. Thank you for reading this.

Get a life, Donald. You’re an embarrassment.

So here’s what’s happening today at Howdygram headquarters! First, I woke up sometime in the middle the night to pee and discovered I was having a hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) episode which, in case you’re unfamiliar with this condition, feels like a combination of severe intoxication, altitude sickness and having a stroke. I ricocheted into the study to suck a few glucose tablets until I felt stronger but never actually went back to bed. A juicy nap is at the top of my afternoon agenda. I’m also hungry.

For your possible interest, below are my favorite hypoglycemia emergency supplies: 1) tasty chewable glucose tablets to raise my blood sugar; and 2) a handy plastic keychain thingy that holds four tablets in case I’m away from home. Both of these products are exceptionally cheap and I bought them online at Wal-Mart.

Second, by now all of you probably have seen and heard Donald Trump’s “big big announcement” about President Obama ... the “October surprise” that he promised would rock the universe and change the course of the election (see my last post). Donald’s horseshit of the day? If President Obama will produce his college transcripts and passport application, Trump will donate $5 million to the charity of his choice.

While the idiot pictured above is still desperately trying to find any shred of evidence, genuine or manufactured, to prove that President Obama was born in Kenya, the rest of us — you know, citizens with actual brains — are more concerned that Mitt Romney: 1) hasn’t disclosed his tax returns; 2) has no grasp of foreign policy; 3) can’t wait to repeal women’s rights to reproductive choice; and 4) still hasn’t revealed the details of his platform’s mystery financial plan. Holy crap, Donald ... GET A LIFE ALREADY. You’re the GOP’s answer to Honey Boo Boo! (Translation: an embarrassment.)

And while I’m on the subject, in case you’re still unfamiliar with loudmouthed Honey Boo Boo and her redneck relatives, here’s an opportunity check out the brat’s recent (attempted) interview with Dr. Drew. Mama June is seated next to her. They eat a steady diet of road kill, Pop Tarts and ramen noodles.



I just lost my appetite. Thank you for reading this.

Donald Trump is the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week.

I’ve seen a lot of surprising crap during six decades of life but today was really an all-time doozy. Sam and I attempted to vote this morning (early voting in Texas started yesterday) but at 9 a.m. our polling place looked like Wal-Mart on Black Friday with a line of people stretching all the way around the block. WE COULDN’T EVEN GET CLOSE. To cheer myself up I injected 15 units of insulin (in the car when nobody was looking) and we drove to Denny’s for Senior Scrambled Eggs. The map below indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) our overcrowded polling place at the Lakeside Activity Center; and C) Denny’s at Belt Line and U.S. 80.

As long as I’m on the subject of voting ... in another last-ditch effort to keep his name in the news, irrelevant GOP blowhard Donald Trump, the Howdygram’s first-ever Putz of the Week, is taunting America today with a “big big announcement” on Twitter tomorrow about President Obama ... something he promises will “change the election.” Does this pea-brain seriously think he’s fooling anybody with all this manufactured hype? Wake me when it’s over. (Thank you.)

But let’s move on to really important issues. There’s breaking news from Boston today, where condom-maker Trojan is seeking a permit to give away 10,000 vibrators at City Hall Plaza. In response to Trojan’s request, Mayor Tom Menino’s office issued a statement that distributing sex toys is an “inappropriate and irresponsible” use for the plaza. While I have no opinion about appropriate or inappropriate permits for city property, what really confuses me is why people with vibrators would need Trojan condoms. I’m just saying.

Glorioski ... here’s another installment of our popular Holy Crap Gallery! If you’re over 50 or just a fan of classic television, you’ll recognize Laura Petrie (“The Dick Van Dyke Show”), Thelma Lou (“The Andy Griffith Show”) and little Timmy Martin from the “Lassie” series after they replaced Tommy Rettig. I decided to throw in Leslie Caron at no extra charge because I just finished watching Gigi on TCM.

Before I sign off to reheat a few leftovers and put away laundry — not necessarily in that order because I’m starving — I wonder if any of you have seen that meaningless new Chanel TV commercial starring Brad Pitt. If not, take a look:



Aside from the fact that Brad Pitt sounds like he’s out of his mind, I’d like to know what’s wrong with modern women and why any of you would consider this skanky dude SEXY. Is it his dirty hair? That creepy beard? The crushed shirt? Holy crap, I’ve seen better-looking specimens sleeping on the curb in downtown Dallas! DON’T YOU PEOPLE REMEMBER WHAT A REAL MOVIE STAR LOOKS LIKE? I offer the following three photos, in case you have no idea what I’m talking about.

Thank you for reading this. It was nice of you to stop by. Next time, bring coffee cake.