What the hell ... I’ve got a nice big pantry, a cool husband and an American Express card!

Ever had a food craving you can’t explain? I have them all the time. Today, for instance, I desperately need CANNED CARROTS, so thank God I actually have two cans in the pantry. I pour off the liquid and eat them cold, right out of the can, sprinkled with two packages of Equal and several shots of — don’t gag — I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray. Other frequent cravings include: 1) a grilled cheese sandwich with six green olives; 2) banana pudding; 3) gefilte fish; 4) mushroom gravy on almost anything; and 5) baloney on white bread with one slice of American cheese.

Today’s pet peeve. Mazel tov. I just saw a news item that supermarkets have started phasing out their self-checkout lanes because almost nobody uses them any more. Sam actually likes these annoying things; I don’t. I figure if I want a job as a grocery store cashier I’ll apply for it and get some benefits. Back when gas stations first introduced self-service pumps in the early 1970s they offered customers a DISCOUNT if you didn’t need full service. Why should any of us scan and bag our own groceries so the market can save a few bucks on payroll? Technically, however, the reason for the phase-out is because supermarkets discovered that do-it-yourself checkouts haven’t saved them any money at all since they’ve had to hire extra staff to assist all the Einsteins trying to “play store.”

A Howdygram public service announcement. McDonald’s Shamrock Shake is back for a limited time and there’s even a convenient yet stupid shake locator service available at www.shamrockshake.com in case you’re interested, thirsty and unconcerned about consuming large quantites of heavily-sweetened artificial green dye. Enjoy your crappy beverage and have a nice day.

Products I can’t find in Texas. Mostly it’s anything Jewish that I’ve always been able to buy in a supermarket elsewhere in the United States. Gefilte fish is available occasionally depending on the time of year, except it sells for $10.99 a jar here and I’m pretty damn sure that’s a rip-off. Products I miss routinely include potato pancake mix, matzo farfel, matzo meal, skinny egg noodles and Yahrzeit candles. Therefore, please allow me to rave (again) about Amazon.com, the world’s best source for practically anything your local stores don’t stock. I just ordered the following two hard-to-find essentials.

The only minor drawback is that you have to buy THREE family-size cans of potato pancake mix and SIX cans of matzo farfel, but what the hell ... I’ve got a nice big pantry, a cool husband and an American Express card!

I’m ready for those canned carrots now. Thank you for reading this.