Chinese food is an excellent substitute for damn near anything.

I’m starving, and as soon as I finish this post I’m heading straight for the kitchen. I’ve got a huge craving for an American cheese sandwich with Vlasic bread & butter pickles and a strawberry milkshake — I wouldn’t joke about this — but will most likely settle for reheated Chinese leftovers from last night because: 1) Chinese food is an excellent substitute for damn near anything; and 2) it’s faster.

For your possible interest my weekend Internet purchases (so far) have included six bags of Bear Creek Hot & Sour Soup from Amazon.com, toilet paper from Wal-Mart and more freeze-dried whatnots from Shelf Reliance because this stuff is really GOOD. I’m ordering small containers to see which ones I’d order again and keep in the pantry. Stay tuned, okay?

I’d also like to mention a surprisingly entertaining little movie I saw today: Never Too Late (1965) produced by Norman Lear and starring Paul Ford, Maureen O’Sullivan, Connie Stevens and Jim Hutton. It’s the story of a fiftysomething wife and her sixtysomething husband who find out they’re going to be parents for a second time. Ford and O’Sullivan are fabulous as these characters. Their married daughter (Connie Stevens) and her husband (Jim Hutton) live at home with mom and dad.

No kidding, this film had to be the precursor to Lear’s hit 1970s TV series “All in the Family.” Dad is a lovable curmudgeon, mom — who’s named Edith — runs around the house like a happy maniac mopping floors, ironing, shlepping and cooking meals, the son-in-law is constantly being insulted by his father-in-law and the daughter is an emotional nutcase who gets hysterical at the drop of a hat. All that's missing is Archie Bunker’s warped social commentary.

And now it’s time for food because I should have eaten dinner about four hours ago. I don’t know if Sam is hungry or not so I’ll try to lure him with an ice cream sandwich. Thank you for reading this.