The mystery lives on.

It’s been 14 years but her face is still in the news. I’m referring to JonBenet Ramsey, the six-year-old pageant princess from Boulder, Colorado, who was found strangled in her family’s basement in December 1996. Apparently a new county district attorney wants to pursue “new contacts” and re-interview JonBenet’s older brother, Burke, who was nine when his sister was killed. Personally, I think the new D.A. is out of his league on this case, since this scary little midget more likely died from a hair spray overdose and lipstick poisoning. And she’s been reincarnated as one of Marie Osmond’s dolls.

In other news, I’m really enjoying my new teeth, and you may be excited to know that it only took me ONE HOUR yesterday to eat a bagel. My next hurdle will be grapes. I may have to cut them in half first, though, because biting still takes a certain level of skill. Chewing is a lot easier. I’ve already mastered mashed potatoes, shrimp, American cheese and Schwan’s turkey pot pies. Life is good. Thank you for reading this.