Holy McShitsky ... healthy options for world-class athletes!

First and foremost, please accept my apology for not writing any Howdygram posts for the last couple of days. On Sunday I got caught up making tacos and watching the British Open, and yesterday I spent most of the day working on website updates for a couple of annoying clients who are — is there a nice way to say this? — TECHNICAL IGNORAMUSES who don’t know a URL from a potted plant. (I definitely like their money, however.)

Breaking news from the London Olympics! After facing lots of flak and official scrutiny for being the world’s largest purveyor of USELESS HIGH-FAT CRAP, McDonald’s — the 2012 Games’ exclusive food vendor — has decided to promote itself as “low calorie” and “healthy” by distributing a chart of its menu items under 400 calories. This would include favorites like Sausage McMuffins, “snack size” Oreo McFlurries, a single hamburger, a small order of fries and water. Please keep in mind, however, that a typical McDonald’s meal adds up to far more than “400 calories.” A couple of McDoubles, a large order of fries and a chocolate shake contain 2,168 calories and 246 grams of fat. Holy McShitsky ... let’s thank McDonald’s for all these healthy options for world-class athletes!

In case you’re looking for some top-quality TV entertainment tonight, the Howdygram recommends the two-hour season finale of “Deadliest Catch” on Discovery and this week’s episode of “Hardcore Pawn” on TruTV. No kidding, these are the best programs on television and if you’re not watching regularly a lot of high-quality reality is passing you by.

“Deadliest Catch” delivers the life-and-death hijinks of crab fishermen on the Bering Sea; with “Hardcore Pawn” you get a family of bickering Jewish pawnbrokers (visit their website) battling homicidal lunatics in the bowels of Detroit. Seriously, what’s not to love?

On the subject of homicidal lunatics for a minute, accused mass murderer James Holmes appeared confused and unstable in a Colorado court yesterday, where he exhibited signs of psychotic behavior and even nodded off during the proceedings. Experts are scrambling for an explanation and several have suggested that Holmes could be “faking it.” Trust me, HE’S NOT. Holmes is criminally isane. He let police capture him alive, told them his apartment was booby-trapped and then sat in jail playing with evidence bags like hand puppets. The face pictured below is Satan with a L’Oreal Paris dye job. 

On a more cheerful note, in a few minutes I’m going to watch one of my all-time favorite napping movies: Around the World in 80 Days (1956) with David Niven and Cantinflas. The musical score and cinematography are hypnotic, and the cast is a who’s who of classic movie star cameos featuring Ronald Colman, Noel Coward, John Gielgud, Charles Boyer, Gilbert Roland, Frank Sinatra, Cedric Hardwicke, George Raft, Marlene Dietrich, Peter Lorre, Red Skelton and Buster Keaton, to name a few. Also Andy Devine and Cesar Romero. (God forbid I should forget Andy Devine and Cesar Romero.)

Thank you for reading this. I know I say this a lot, but I’m not joking.