Note to Paula Deen: More butter isn’t going to fix this.

According to the lead news stories today on CNN, MSNBC, ABC News, TMZ and Gawker Media, the Howdygram’s least-favorite deep-fried celebrity chef has been fired by the Food Network for her involvement in a huge racist brouhaha of her own creation.

Network officials elected not to renew Deen’s contract, which expires at the end of June. The crapola apparently hit the fan minutes just after she released three consecutive stupid, desperate and insincere statements on YouTube apologizing for her behavior, racial slurs and foul language. She also bailed this morning for an interview with Matt Lauer on the “Today” show.

What the hell. One day you’re baking a six-layer lard cake with cream cheese bacon frosting, the next day you’re ruined. Karma sucks, doesn’t it?

In case you’re unfamiliar with Paula Deen I’ve got a couple of outrageous video clips to share with you. The first is an amazing “artistic” interpretation (slow-motion dialog!) of a segment she did on TV with Oprah. I believe Oprah and Gayle King were visiting Paula Deen’s home for a weekend. The dude who looks like Santa Claus is Paula’s husband. I suggest peeing before you watch this.

Next, a clear explanation of how and why Paula Deen wound up with type 2 diabetes: the Lasagna Sandwich. This is maybe the most obnoxious and frightening carb overload I’ve ever seen in my life. Holy crap.

One last Paula Deen thing before I move on to other issues, okay? It’s the recipe for her Savannah High Apple Pie (courtesy of the Food Network), pictured below for your possible interest. This monstrosity calls for seven cups of flour, two cups of Crisco, 24 apples, half a pound of butter, three cups of sugar and two cups of caramel pecan mucilage topping to give it that appealing, fresh-from-the-diaper glow. The only thing missing here is a gallon of ice cream and reservations at Johns Hopkins for a heart transplant. TWO FREAKIN’ CUPS OF CRISCO. Seriously?

As long as I’m on a roll here I’d also like to post this photo of Kim Kardashian, proving once again that life can be painful for vapid, no-talent reality stars. Here she is showing off her best maternity look in a skin-tight dress and hideous shoes that are clearly destroying her feet and ankles. Didn’t this silly twit ever consider wearing a comfortable pair of flats or maybe not going out once in a while?

Sam and I have lots of exciting plans this weekend! Activities will include: 1) lunch at Cafe Greek because I have an overwhelming need for their tasty baked fish with sesame seeds; 2) naps; 3) organizing all the household crapola and clothes we’re donating to the American Kidney Fund next week; 4) more naps; and 5) I can’t think of anything else. If any of these items sound appealing to you please feel free to join us. And thank you for reading this.