I hope underwear isn’t obsolete because I refuse to stop wearing mine.

A brief word about this fiscal cliff horseshit. CONGRESS MAKES ME SICK. I keep wondering why homicidal maniacs with assault weapons only show up at grammar schools and theaters. I’m just saying.

Tonight we’re waiting for rain here at Howdygram headquarters. It’s on the way for sure with a 90% chance starting around 5 a.m. and lasting all day Monday. Cold, crappy, bone-chilling, beautiful rain that we need DESPERATELY. In the meantime Sam and I ordered ourselves a pile of food from China City tonight because nothing says NFL football like egg rolls and Mongolian chicken. Unfortunately, the Washington Redskins trampled the Dallas Cowboys in a basically depressing game and blew us out of a slot in the playoffs ... not that we actually deserved to be there, quite honestly. Missing from the Cowboys’ roster tonight were teammates Josh Brent and Jerry Brown, for reasons indicated below.

Brent is responsible for Brown’s status due to a car wreck on December 8, whereby Brent was charged with intoxication manslaughter (translation: the dude was drunk). He’s not especially popular these days.

Sam is stretched out in the family room wrapped in Mister Furry — our gigantic faux mink throw — watching one of those Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I don’t know which one, but it doesn’t matter since they’re all the same and everybody has rotten teeth. It’s all a little too realistic for me.

From our I’ll Do Anything To Stay Famous department comes this photo of America’s reigning tramp Kim Kardashian, on her way into a Miami restaurant wearing a black elastic bra with a transparent skirt. The view from the front must have stopped traffic. I hope underwear isn’t obsolete because I refuse to stop wearing mine.

For months I’ve been on the lookout for wholesome family entertainment that doesn’t involve Turner Classic Movies, and I think I’ve finally found the answer. I just bought an ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH on Amazon! This isn’t one of those fancy-schmancy gadgets that your dentist tries to sell you for $99, though. It’s a $5 Spinbrush with a couple hundred five-star user reviews, so I ordered one for me and one for Sam plus a package of refills. Now we can stand at the sink together, hold hands and spin our teeth into breathtaking whiteness all at the same time. Holy crap, does this sound like fun, or what?

I have no idea what’s wrong with me tonight so maybe I’ll just inject some insulin and go to bed. Thank you for reading this.