Rick Perry, decrepit fonts and mentally ill blintzes.

Good morning from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters! Okay, I agree that “bowels” might be unnecessarily graphic, but I’m at a loss how else to describe sitting at my desk with TicTacs at 5:18 a.m. If  you come up with something better please send an email as soon as possible. Thank you.

This will be an outstanding week around here due to the number of exciting deliveries on the way. These include: 1) zero-calorie Miracle Rice; 2) a six-pack of Fifty50 sugar-free peanut butter; 3) two cartons of Lowrey’s microwave bacon curls; 4) a case of 12 little pouches of pink salmon; 5) Jok-n-Al No-Carb Lemon Curd; 6) another bottle of Jok-n-Al No-Carb Chili Pepper Sauce because I got addicted after trying this heavenly crap for the first time last week; 7) Fiber Gourmet low-calorie spaghetti; 8) Bella Vita low-carb pasta sauce; and 9) several bottles of DaVinci sugar-free raspberry and peach syrups because Sam and I love to make phosphates. In case you’re interested, I ordered items 1 through 4 from Amazon and 5 through 9 from Netrition.

Incidentally, I have no idea what lemon curd is (item 5, above) but I’m hoping it’s like the filling for a lemon meringue pie. I’ve got a grand plan to smear it on a low-carb flour tortilla — maybe with ricotta cheese and a pile of Equal — and pretend I’m eating dessert or a mentally ill blintz with sour cream on top. (Stop laughing.) Stay tuned for a complete review. If this turns out to be edible I’ll even post my recipe.

From our Macintosh News You Can Use department, I’ve been having occasional slowdown issues with my Mac for the last couple of months that culminated yesterday afternoon with a bizarre “out of memory” error while I was horsing around in Adobe Illustrator. Out of memory? What the hell! So I called my computer guru, Betty, who suggested this is probably a FONT CONFLICT and not really a memory issue at all. My assignment? DUMP MY OLDEST FONTS BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT COMPATIBLE WITH THE NEWER FORMATS. Holy crap, this is like asking a bum to give up muscatel.

Regardless, I spent the next three hours examining and trashing more than 350 decrepit old PostScript fonts that I haven’t used for years decades, some with file dates from the mid-1990s. Almost as old as my underwear! I was happy to dump them, though, in exchange for no more system errors, and I’m pleased to report that my Mac’s performance has already improved considerably.

Please clap your hands if you share my joy. Thank you.

And finally, the Howdygram is pleased to announce the latest recipient of our coveted Putz of the Week Award ... Governor Rick “Einstein” Perry, who thinks the answer to last week’s massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary is for school teachers to carry assault weapons in the classroom. I’m guessing he also recommends shoulder holsters, ammo belts and camouflage gear.

In a speech on Monday to the North Tarrant County Tea Party, Perry added “One thing I hope I don’t see is a knee-jerk reaction from Washington, where they come in and think they know the answers.” Seriously, Governor Einstein ... do you think you have the answers? This is the same horse’s ass who carries a semi-automatic pistol when he walks his dog — in a residential neighborhood — in case he has to get tough and blast a cranky squirrel. I CAN’T STAND THIS GUY.

I should go back to bed for a while. Thank you for reading this.